Monday, August 07, 2006

Smut 1-0-1

OK people - I might just have to flag myself for objectionable content here!

You might not know this, but I do love a double entendre. And for a few years now I've been the company's resident king of smut, although that probably has something to do with everyone else being a bit crap at it, and me getting the crown by default.

Whatever!

Actually, there was that day a few years back when everyone else bet that I couldn't go a day without making a smutty comment. I was robbed, and they disqualified me on a technicality; apparently a raised eyebrow constitutes a smutty remark! Damn - someone arrest Roger Moore!

Where was I? Oh, yeah, smut. Right. So I went out for a run last night, and just after leaving my house I found a cat rolling over on the ground. Well, it woulda been kinda funny if it was rolling over in mid-air, but I digress. Being a cat-lover (stop it, perverts!) I stooped down and gave it a little stroke (on the head, not one that paralysed it down one side), then carried on with my run. Halfway round my route I noticed a flyer for a missing cat. And would you believe it! It was a Chevy van! No, wait, I mean it was the cat I'd been stroking just minutes before!

Being the action hero that I am, I tore the flyer off the lamp post in a heroic fashion, stuffed it in my pocket, and carried on running.

And when I got home, I picked up the phone, dialled the number, and still breathing heavily from my run, panted down the line in the finest 'Are you being served' stylee:

"I think I've found your pussy."

No, wait - that's not smut - it's pure filth!

Damn!

18 comments:

Miss T said...

If it was raining the cat would have been wet, no? You see where I am going with this?

PS. My cat is sitting on my lap with me doing my morning emails and blog round. She's actually not much help but it at least making a pretense at interest.

Tim said...

I'm going to do my Sid James laugh here:

Heh heh...

Miss Haversham! Such filth! You can be my Queen of smut.

As for your cat - this is why I didn't get Smudge! Your cat should be doing the hoovering, squeezing you fresh orange juice, handing you your morning paper... They're so damned lazy!

And it's morning where you are...? I've always wondered... How are things in the future?

Miss T said...

*sniff* I was aiming for High Preistess of Smut, but Queen will do. Yes, my cat is lazy, but she is better than a hot water bottle.

Well, it was about 7:00 in the morning then. It's the late afternoon now. I think there's about nine hours difference between the UK and Oz. Well, between here and Manchester at any rate. I've seen the future and it was just as boring as the present...

Tim said...

How about we start you off as Queen and consider you for the role of High Priestess at your six month review, hmmm?

Don't tell me the future's boring! I was hoping you were all eating meal-pills and zooming around in flying cars!

But as the Littliest Hobo theme tune said, "maybe tomooooorrow..."

Dora and Tina said...

But did you say it in that Mr. Humphries voice or the Mrs. Slocombe voice?

Either way, not sure the outcome would be any better than heavy breathing and the words "found your pussy"....

Miss T said...

Can do. I'll just need the selection criteria, so I can make sure I am fitting the bill.

Hehehe. Meal pills. No, there's not meal pills, but there is something called Soylent Green.

Yes, I'm still giggling at the thought of getting a phone with someone heavy breathing and saying that. Make my day it would, as I seem to have misplaced my little kitty.

Miss T said...

phone CALL. Not a phone that breathes heavily and says suggestive things.... although.... hag on.... that might be cool...

Miss T said...

hang. Not hag. I give up. Going to bed.

Tim said...

Dora - it was more a Captain Peacock stylee; I thought his air of gravity lent itself a bit more to my heavy breathing. Plus, the only thing I can say in a Mr Humphries stylee is "I'm free!" and I really didn't think that would help the lady find her cat!

Miss Haversham - I'll run out a job spec for you. The future's sounding remarkably disappointing. I think I might stat here in the past and sulk. Soylent Green? I think I drove through there - it had a pub, a post office, a duck pond, and nothing else.

Ha ha! Your typing is being distorted by what appears to be a temporal flux! G'night, woman of the futuuuuuure!

Tim said...

STAY! I meant 'stay' here in the future.

Damn temporal flux!

Miss T said...

hehe. Temporal fluxes and kittens. Is that the plot from "The Lake House"?

Tim said...

Yeah, pretty much - except I'm a better actor than Keanu Reeves!

Ooo - bitchy!

Whoa! I know kung-fu!

skillz said...

I, AM AN F-B-I, AGENT!!!!!

you can't teach acting like that.

Tim said...

Oh, dude, Point Break rocks!

Damn - now I want to watch Point Break!

Dora and Tina said...

I know you can do better than "I'm free"...what about "your pussy is free". Ummm, on second reading of that, perhaps not.

Miss H is blowing this whole "future" thing out of proportion. Also she would like a phone that has heavy breathing and says suggestive things. She really is quite a naughty little minx.

Tim said...

But that's Mr Humphries only catchphrase! And her pussy is already free - hence the notices taped to lamp posts! She should definitely keep her pussy locked up if she ever gets it back.

Yes, I'm seeing a whole new side to Miss H. A heavy breathing suggestive phone? Falling over onto small children?! Whatever's next!?

I bet she does have a flying car, and she's just keeping us past-dwelling troglodytes in the dark so we don't steal her amazing technology! Have you have got one too, Dora?!

Miss T said...

All I have to say is:


BOGUS. DUDE.

And as for whatever's next... umm... Some ice-cream I think. Yes, with chocolate on top. Although that heavy breathing phone does sound mighty good. I'll need a lot of alone time with that phone to, erm, make sure it's working. I believe I'll also need a cigarette afterwards.

Good bye from the futuuuuuure! And I am like totally at one with the Matrix. Dude.

P.S. No flying cars. Just my broom.

Tim said...

Ah... Bill and Ted. Keanu's finest hour. Hours. Whatever.

You have fun with your smut-fuelled ice cream phone, just remember to give IDV back his broomstick when yer done with it!