Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Sparky Vs the spiders, man

So I'm chilling out last night after a little bit of a Battlestar Galactica marathon that was broken only because Lost was on and I live in continual hope that it might get good again and actually answer some of my damned questions, when I notice something out of the corner of my eye.

Movement.

I take a step back, flick the light on, and what do I see?


It was a goddamn Alien face-hugger is what it was. And by that I mean a spider. A MA-HOO-SIVE spider. Sitting right by my sofa.

It flipped me the finger and sneered at me.

As I was rendered almost catatonic by the sheer size of the thing, it seized its opportunity to attack.


Fortunately, working on Star Trek magazines has taught me what to do in these situations. Yes, it may have had the element of surprise, but I quickly fought back, stunning it with a Captain Kirk-stylee double-fisted punch to the gut. As the creature flew back into the wall, slumping to the ground with a thud, I body rolled into the kitchen, making sure to tear my t-shirt at the shoulder in the process (Shatner would be proud).

I saw the spider's legs scrabbling to turn it upright, and used those mere seconds to assemble a weapon, much like how Kirk fashioned a bazooka out of diamonds and bamboo to defeat the Gorn in episode 19, 'Arena'. My weapon was far more rudimentary - a lighter and some fly spray - but nevertheless every bit as effective.


Only when I had dispensed my own form of rough justice upon the beast did I realize that fly spray on its own would probably have been just as effective. Whatever.

I settled down to watch the rest of Lost, my only concern being that I hoped to god there wouldn't be a Hurley nudey scene.

EPILOGUE
A package arrived today from my Japanese colleagues. The latest issue of the Star Trek magazine I produce for them, I wondered?

No - far from it.


They'd sent me samples of a bug partwork, complete with massive, hideously realistic plastic bugs.

What sort of merry hell has been unleashed, I wondered, as I realized we've fallen a bit behind with their schedule...

10 comments:

Inexplicable DeVice said...

That spider must have scared everyone else off. Hooray! That means I'm first!

It sounds like you fought valiantly. I hereby award you the palm leaf of valour.

Actually, I too had a giant arachnid encounter the other night. This monstrous creature ran under the settee while I was watching Galaxy Quest, bucking both it and me high into the air before thundering off into the dining room, sounding for all the world like a herd of buffalo!

The annoying thing was that I hadn't even ordered any fast food...

Tim said...

I graciously accept the palm leaf of valour, and I'm even going to do a Chewbacca stylee growl of acceptance:

Wwwrrrrooooaaaauuuu!

I swear these damned spiders are getting bigger! I hoped you tracked the vile creature down and swiftly dispatched it - after righting the settee and pausing Galaxy Quest, of course.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I did do some righting and pausing, but couldn't for the life of me find the damned thing. I think it must have gone up the chimney or out the back door. Now I've got to be on my guard when going outside. Most inconvenient!

Carter J. Burke said...

I didn't let that spider into your room.

Honest.

Dinah said...

I almost threw up when I saw the spider picture, then almost did again when considering a Hurley nude scene.

Excellent display of awesomeness, though.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - I hate it when they manage to wander off. The one I had managed to evade me for a few minutes, but it couldn't resist coming back for more... And that's when I whacked it (in the Mafia sense of the word)!

Can't you hex it or something?

Carter J. Burke - All I can say is: "You asshole! We need to get off LV-426!"

Dinah - If you almost threw up when you saw a static image of it you should've seen the thing in motion! It was like Thing from The Addams Family!!

carter j. burke said...

I made a decision, and it was wrong. It was a bad call, Tim. It was a bad call.

Tim said...

You know Burke, I don't know which species is worse. You don't see them f**king each other over for a goddamn percentage!

Sara said...

That's one nasty spider.

In a related story, I am deathly afraid of spiders and once, when I started screaming like a banshee when I saw a big black hairy one, my boyfriend proceeded to shoot it with his pellet gun to kill it.

Yes, I'm American. :D

Tim said...

Bloody hell! That was either a) VERY precise shooting, or b) a MASSIVE spider!

Quite frankly, I don't know which is more frightening!