Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Feety pains and other nonsense

My feet hurt today. Well, my ankles, to be more specific. And I blame my boots - although you could also blame my general dapper sense of dress over the last couple of days. You see I bought a really nice posh new shirt, and I was a bit hesitant to tar it by matching it with my trendily battered (not in the chip shop sense, mind) trainers. So I pulled my posh boots out of the wardrobe - might as well make full use of them seeing as they've got some exciting new laces now, I thought.

So there I was, effectively half-suited and booted. And of course this illicited the usual round of are you, A) on the pull tonight, or B) going for a job interview, from my workmates. Sadly, the answer to both was "no." What is it with the constant questioning when I actually dress smartly? I ask you, you walk around the office in your undercrackers once...

(As an aside, bearing in mind that we can all dress slobbily at work, I've been trying to instigate a Formal Friday, as in the opposite of other companies who have dress down Fridays. No one's biting yet, but I'm eager to buy a top hat so will carry on pushing for it)

Anyway, yes, so there I am all smart and rather hot-looking (as in smouldering, not in the temperature). Except for the fact that I realised I'm a bit unfamiliar with the boot situation. Trainers they are not. So I effectively clippety-cloppetied around the office like a two year-old girl in mummy's stillettos all day. Sort of destroyed my sexy aura.

I think I'll practise round the house before I try that again.


You know that sodding awful Microsoft assistant that pops up whenever you're doing something and says "Ooo, you look like you're writing a letter - would you like me to screw it up for you then crash?"

Well I've had a genius idea (I think you'll agree that I've been having a lot of these recently). Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you the next generation of computer assistant:

The iShat.

I think we'll all be grateful to have one of these helping us make a spreadsheet and send an email this time next year. You saw it here first, remember.


Inspired by an email I received from the lovely Nikki, I'm thinking of changing the tagline to this blog (the 'puny human brain' thing was never meant to be permanent - as you can tell from the above idea, my brain is anything but puny).

And what is this proposed new tagline?

Sparky Malarkey - Guaranteed to make you snort tea out of your nose - or your money back!

OK, so you won't get your money back if you don't snort tea through your nose because none of you are paying me for this drivel, but the thought is there.

Before I do go racing ahead and changing it, though, can I just ask if anyone else has suffered a tea-based incident at my hands? Because basically I don't want to get done by Trading Standards for false advertising.


Miss T said...

Dude, you edit a *Star Trek* magazine! I'd be mining that and making some obscure tag line from some obscure episode, just to piss off other people*.

Or.... you could go with the Shaggy "Mr Boombastic" angle.

*you know, like the dudes from that Southpark episode where they built TIMMEH! the time machine to go back to the third grade.

Miss T said...

Oh, and I want an iShat Spacker Edition. The check's in the mail.

Tim said...

Ha ha! Maybe I should change it to a Captain Kirk-esque "Teaching the world wide web about this... human thing called love!"

Hmmm... I'm definitely going to think about this some more...

"I'm a blogger, not a therapist!"

I just looked up spacker on wikipedia... It's rude!

Dora and Tina said...

I have created a tea based incident, but lucky for you it was not because of this blog. I was just really pissed off (like normal) and threw a teabag on the ground and then my ex took a stack on it in the kitchen. I did laugh alot and the tea I was drinking kinda did come out my nose.

You better make that formal friday happen. You need a top hat and a monacle...just like in Futurama when Bender puts on one to show just how rich Fry really was. You need it to show your workmates just how classy you can be.....

Tim said...

You should try throwing the teabag at the wall - it might stick!

What's taking a 'stack' mean?! Is it poo?! You and your crazy talk!!!!

I'm thinking formal Friday will have to happen when it starts getting colder. I don't want to be sweating it out in top hat 'n tails; fashions come and fashions go, but sweat patches are NEVER in.

Miss T said...

A stack is a fall. A pretty back one - as in "Miss H stacked it over some kids today".

A spacker is a term for 'spastic'. It really isn't very nice...go with the Kirk thing! And put a green lady up there! Go on! Do it! Do it!

Going with Kirk will redeem you for saying spacker all week. Here's another one for you to use that doesn't make fun of a significant portion of the population:


although that might have already hit the UK. Or originated from there. Who knows?

Dora and Tina said...

I should have thrown the tea bag at my ex now that I reflect on the matter....

Tim said...

Miss Haversham - Right, munted it is! And I like the idea of an Orion slave girl on the blog... All sorts of malarkey could ensue!!!

Dora - Definitely! Teabags are an environmentally friendly form of attack - and if he asks if you threw it at him, just say "Ooo, it slipped."