Monday, August 28, 2006

The immense purple warrior

So Sunday was spent helping Mr Chunt and the lovely Nikki move flat - effectively from one end of the road to the other, but don't underestimate the herculean task that that necessitated. And as phyiscally strong and visually muscle-bound as I am, we needed some help.

And that's where the immense purple warrior, the almighty purple-ness of West London came in. It made young children run away in fear, woman gasp in awe, and men turn away wishing that they too had something so... immense and purple.

What was it?

It was a big purple van, you perverts. Get your minds out of the gutter.

(It was, unfortunately, a Peugeut van, not a Chevy one. but beggars can't be choosers)

Alas, I did not take any photos of the van, but imagine this, if you will: a big van, shabbily painted purple; rust holes patched up with copius amounts of filler. A gaping hole in the dashboard that allowed you to see the inner workings of the gearbox. No power-steering (in fact, virtually no steering; at one point I, sitting shotgun, had to assist with steering duties as we carried too much inertia into a particularly vicious corner). And who needs brakes? It was, I'm sure you'll agree, Keith Richards in van form.


Everywhere designated driver Mark piloted the van people stopped, took note of their lives, prayed to whatever god they worshipped, and smiled.

Funnily, one particularly spectacular reversing maneuvre reminded me of the scene in Star Trek III where Kirk steals the Enterprise and they back it out of spacedock. However, we were not chased by the Starship Excelsior. More's the pity...

And we didn't later blow the van up, although I got the distinct impression that Mark would've liked to.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes... regardless of our initial fears, the immense purple van did its work well, despite rolling into a bush at one point.

And so, to the Almighty purple van I say this: I salute you, and all who travel in you.


Miss T said...


And somehow, I don't think I'll ever read this post, as it can't *possibly* live up to the smuttiness of its' title.

Or can it??

Miss T said...


Ok I read it. And you made up for it (smuttiness factor) by making a Star Trek reverse parking reference. But you knew that, because you wrote the damn thing.

Oooh! I am watching Voyager Season 5 at the moment, and I SWEAR there was a prop that they used in the sick bay that WAS AN ADULT TOY......

Tim said...

Miss Haversham - what's smutty about the post title? I'm not quite with you...

Voyager Season 5 - would you be making a reference to the 'thrombic modulator?' Oh, how I laughed when I heard that one! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

By the way, you know little Clint Howard pictured to the left as Balok? Did you see him portray the grown-up version on William Shatner's roast. He was drunk on Tranya - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Seriously, Google it.

Miss T said...

Oh, Scarlett, you do declare...

If the thrombic modulator was clear plastic with a glowing pink insert and a handle that clearly belonged to either:

A) a lightsabre
B) a certain model of a certain inexplicable device

....then I think we are talking about the same thing.

That poor Captain Janeway. The shit they made her do (and wear). At least she has the thrombic modulator to keep her company on those long, dark nights.

Going to peek at Balok now...

verification word: ladlliy. Sounds welsh.

Tim said...

I know the inexplicable device you're on about - but I don't think it's the thrombic modulator.

I do, however, remember watching the episode where they first used the thrombic modulator in the company of comics pal Graham. We both looked at each other and giggled like school girls.

Tee hee!

Verification word: tppowb. Sounds like an eighties soft rock band

Dora and Tina said...

Keith Richards in van form

hehehehehe....still laughing about that part. So very true!

Tim said...

It was... seriously... it smoked too.

Don't think it fell out of a coconut tree through...

Miss T said...

mmm. I liked the Keef call, but appreciate the 'artistic rendering'.

pjxrosxm: Jesus. I can't bring myself to type what I am thinking.

Dinah said...

Hee. Thrombic modulator. That's the perfect topping to what is totally the most awesomest van ever. The only thing that could possibly have made it better is if it did explode. But that can be saved for another time.

ovrlom: an evil, all powerful king or ruler or something who has enslaved all of the peasants.

Tim said...

Miss Haversham - I tried to make a comment earlier and my verification word just disappeared. It's my freakin' blog and I couldn't add anything to it! I think I should stop taking the mickey out of verfication words.

(pqyvujjin - snigger!)

Dinah - I don't think it was far off exploding, but as you say that's something to save for another occasion. Initially I feared the purple van, but I grew to love it over the course of our special day together. I heart the van, and I fear ovrlom!