Friday, July 14, 2006

Determining your audience's wants and needs

Never let it be said that here at Sparky Malarkey we (I) don't do our (my) best to give you (yes, you) exactly what you want.

That being the case, we've (I've) undertaken some extensive research into what makes a blog interesting, popular, and relevent to the general 'everyday' blog-reader. Our (my) extensive research, which was carried out under laboratory conditions, revealed three recurring themes that appear in the world of blogging:

1) How to be a "mommy" (to X-number of "awesome" kids).
2) How to bake amazing cakes and biscuits.
3) How to knit.

Not being one to want to let any of our (my) readers down, Sparky Malarkey shall endeavour to expand into the aforementioned areas of expertise.

1) Unfortunately, Sparky Malarkey is ill-equipped to guide others in the realms of 'how to be a mommy (to X-number of "awesome" kids)' due to the fact that we (I) are (am), er, equipped with the, er, wrong equipment to experience the amazing delights of motherhood. But, y'know, everyone seems to wing it OK, so I'm sure they'll be fine. And awesome. And if they're not - well, that's what juvenile courts and young offenders establishments are for.

Moving swiftly on…

2) Now, we (I) can't cook for toffee (nope, can't even cook toffee), so you're pretty much on your own here as well. Microwave? Yeah, I can do that; we're (I'm) a bit of a dab hand at nuking food. And don't worry if it's still a bit frozen in the middle, it'll be fine. Really. But if you really do want to learn how to cook, why not just cheat: claim that you made these boob-shaped biscuits yourself.

Erm…

3) Knitting? Hmmm… this is were it's all at people. As soon as we (I) can track down the pattern, we're all going to make a start knitting woolen apparel for our awesome offspring. Trust us (me), all the kids are wearing them.

5 comments:

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Finally! Someone has pandered to my whims. If there's anything better than 'mommies' baking and knitting, then I don't know wh....

* glurk *

Shit. Don't know what came over me then?

* shudder *

So. What did you wear to Superman Returns, last night?

Tim said...

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that *loves* baking and knitting. I often wonder how I find the time to do anything else, what with all the baking and knitting I do...


Ugh.

Erm, Superman - yes! I didn't wear the Superman t-shirt. Which was a good thing, as Glittering Lee said he would've killed the next person he saw who was wearing one. And there were A LOT of people wearing them.

JESUS CHRIST - we even had the entire freakin' fully costumed Justice League in the row behind us!

Miss T said...

Oh dear. The entire Justic League. At least you were all very safe from - I don't know - meteors hitting the earth or machiavellian schemers with huge death rays.

And yes, thankyou for pandering to my needs. I'd really enjoy a follow up post about how little Clint Howard likes his new face beanie.

Dora and Tina said...

Was that last face beanie meant to be a rooster? I kinda got that impression...but it also made me think about someone running into a bank wearing that face beanie and trying to rob it. Can you imagine what the bank teller would do? Die of laughter I would think.

Also, good call on not wearing the S T-shirt. That is a tad too much even for the hardcore fan. And at least you didn't have to bitch slap yourself.

Tim said...

Miss Haversham - True, we were safe from death rays and meteors, but Justice League or not, I was THIS CLOSE to telling them to shut up when they clapped, yes clapped, the BBFC 'Superman Returns has been awarded a 12A certficate' bit at the beginning. You'd think superheroes would show a little damn restraint!

And think of poor Clint Howard... his ghastly visage now forever hidden behind a knitted face of an unfeeling blue smile and rosy red cheeks. Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

Dora and Tina - I thought the last face beanie looked like Darth Maul from Star Wars Episode I, although it's certainly a little more terrifying...

Yes, I'm pleased that I didn't wear the t-shirt. Sometimes it's appropriate to show just a little restraint (D'ya hear that, Justice League?). And Lee would've killed me, as well.