Copious amounts of stuff

Not meaning to make light of a terrible situation, but I'm really hoping Condoleeza Rice's peace efforts in the Lebanon go well. I'm just gagging to see the headlines "RICE AND PEAS!"

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I've got a Star Trek toy on my desk at work. Well, actually, I've got bloody millions of Star Trek toys on my desk at work, but one of my favourites is my Transporter Effect Janice Rand. This is a dodgy plastic figure of Yeomon Rand - who if you don't know, is the woman with the massive beehive hairdo who just served Captain Kirk coffee all the time and looked indignant when he made a vaguely sexist remake (but as it was the sixties that made it OK, and "oh how we all laughed!").

Anyway, the figure stands on what looks sort of like a transporter pad, and is transparent from the waist down. And by transparent I mean that it is sort of see through with bits of glitter in it so it looks like she's beaming somewhere. Do you see?! Oh, god, I bet that line of toys was planned in the midst of a week long drink 'n drugs fueled uber-bender.

But the best thing about Transporter Effect Janice Rand is that the base has a button on it, and when you press the button it makes the sound of the transporter! Genius! Of course, this provides hours of fun - I press it, then quickly hide under the desk while my bemused colleagues stand around asking "where did Tim go?!"

After seven years it still never ceases to be funny!

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Two food related disasters: I somehow managed to flick Nandos peri-peri ketchup off the end of a chip onto both my t-shirt and trousers today. It was like potato-based medieval catapult.

I had a curry for dinner last night, but didn't finish it all and popped the rest in the bin. The hot weather is obviously, erm, accentuating the smell in Sparky Towers. I like curry as much as the next man - but a curry air freshener is a definite no-no on a warm summer's day...

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I was reading the Daily Mail today. Don't ask why, I just was, OK? Anyway, they've got some wizened old bint dispensing fashion advice to men, and being the style guru I am, I thought I should check how my forward-thinking views match-up with those of... a wizened old bint.

Among her delightfully insane nuggets of advice were these beauties:

• STOP wearing trainers, unless you are on a tennis court or out for a jog. Your feet will smell, with or without socks.

Sparky says: Because my feet won't smell in a pair of Timberland boots in the middle of summer, hmmm?

• IF YOU have to work in an office, or you need to be more formal in hot weather, then you should invest in at least one lightweight suit.

Sparky says: in the real world most of us do have to work in an office. Fortunately, I can wear and a wifebeater and shorts, so the whole idea of a lightweight suit is sort of moot.

• CHOOSE shoes that can be worn without socks, and make sure you have a variety of colourful, large-collared shirts that can be worn without ties.

Sparky says: What? Like a clown?

• DON'T wear a tank top or vest top, unless you work on a building site. Even if I had the misfortune to be married to you, I would certainly not want to see under your arms.

Sparky says: Look, love, I saw your photo in the paper, and to be honest I'd rather look at my under arms than your mug anyday. I believe Daphne and Celeste said it best: "U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, yo' ugly."

• NEVER wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row. They need time to breathe.

Sparky says: Oh, but my tan brogues *simply* won't go with my blue lightweight suit!

• JEREMY LANGMEAD, editor-in-chief of Wallpaper magazine and the most stylish man I know, says: 'It is cooler, in both senses of the word, to be simple. The perfect outfit is a pair of slim fit (but not tight) navy cotton trousers teamed with a white cotton T-shirt and a pair of boating shoes with no socks. Effortless, easy and smart.'

Sparky says: "Boating shoes?" "BOATING SHOES?!" What is this - the 1950s!?!? Good lord - I'd rather hack off my feet than pop them in some boating shoes! Who employed this woman? I demand answers!

I'm outraged, I tell you - OUTRAGED! My Nan knows more about fashion than this woman (seriously, my Nan's great - she's always picking me up Diesel and G-Star clothes for birthdays and Christmas. In fact, I should employ her as my personal shopper!).

Erm, so, where was I? Oh yeah - believe this woman, chaps, and nip off to BHS for some boating shoes and lightweight suits. Or join me in my t-shirts with ironically smutty slogans and jeans with inappropriately-placed holes! (Although don't actually try to get in my clothes while I'm wearing them - because that'd just be weird).