Well "Whatevah," because I ain't playing.
The way I look at it, you see, is that Halloween is predominantly an American thing, something that wikipedia backs me up on:
Most other Western countries have embraced Halloween as a part of American pop culture in the late 20th century.
And even if it weren't, I still wouldn't play because we, the British, are rubbish at it. Having watched ET quite a lot as a kid, I know that Halloween is a big-do over the pond, which is fine because from what I can tell they do it right with amazing costumes and scary decorations.
What do people do over here? Put on a Scream mask and dress their eight year-old children up to look like tiny prostitutes. Overdoing the mascara does not make little Susan look like a corpse. I think Tyler Durden summed it up best in Fight Club:
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!"So we're pretty pathetic at a holiday that isn't really ours to celebrate. Blame Hallmark - they clearly identified a gap in the market between Secretary's Day and Christmas. Doubtless we'll be celebrating Thanksgiving next, and be equally rubbish at that too.
This time last year I was in the initial throws of decorating Sparky Towers, starting with the bedroom, and any trick-or-treaters were swiftly greeted by me leaning out the window threatening to cover them in Dulux Blossom White non-drip gloss. They soon vamoosed.
This year I don't have quite the same arsenal at my disposal. And quite frankly, even if I did open the front door to them I've got very little to give them. I could rummage up a couple of sesame seed Ryvita and a frozen Birdseye potato waffle, but quite frankly I don't think that would satisfy today's up-and-coming young satanists.
To be honest I've already had two groups ring the door bell. The first saw me walking up the path having just gotten home from work and scampered after me - I had barely set foot in the front door! The second rang the bell while I was checking my email. They could probably see me through the window, in which case they could also see the raised middle finger I was using to scratch the back of my neck.
I'm a simple man with simple pleasures, and I just want to be left alone to cook my steak burger with blue cheese and mustard melt while gently toasting my ciabata bap under the grill.
So a number of plans have formulated for the remainder of the evening.
a) Continue to ignore them.
b) Do my usual thing when confronted by unwanted visitors - turn all the lights of while they are standing at the door and pretend no one is at home.
c) Go to the gym.
I think I'll go put my trainers on.
What the hell is up with people these days? Jo and I had a bit of an email chat today, and we've both run into situations recently where we've been confronted by people who we've been incredibly polite and helpful to, and yet they've seen fit to either:
a) treat us like shit.
b) demand EVEN more of us and moan if we don't comply.
Fortunately, just as with the Halloween thing, we've formulated a plan. It generally involves some variation of a roundhouse kick to the face.