Sunday, October 08, 2006

Getting on my wick

So I finally got annoyed enough with my ear to try a hopi ear candle today. And the result of this incredible, age-old mystical form of treatment?

Well, a bit rubbish, to be honest.

I picked up a couple this morning (one for each ear) while in Staines, and the woman in the shop said that although she'd never used them, a lot of customers raved about them (this gave me a mental image of some people using ear candles like glow sticks and getting off their tits in a field). I smiled, and walked off with the miracle cure clutched in my grubby little paws.

Half an hour later I was at Sparky Ma and Pa's, and Sparky Ma was reading the instructions to the hopi ear candles and occasionally reading bits out in a slightly dubious 'this hippy-crap ain't really gonna work' kinda way.

So I rested my head on the table, Ma whacked a candle in my ear, lit it - and we were away.

Dum-dee-dum-dee-dee... There's not really much you can do while the ear candle smoulders away in your ear, and the flames you can see licking away in your peripheral vision are kind of disconcerting. This is probably why they advise you to close your eyes and enjoy the mystical, erm, experience...

Anyway, 10-12 minutes later and the candle was down to the filter (it's actually more like an ear cigarette). I opened my eyes, ready to tilt my head upright and for the floodgates to open and all the lovely wax to come flooding out an-

Oh.

That's right. Nothing happened.

Actually, that's a lie. There was a little bit of ear goo. Damned thing didn't even make me feel high.

So I sat there, watching The X-Factor repeat and taking the mickey out of the little 16 year-old who cries all the time thinking what a waste of money those bloody candles were.

File under - Diagnosis: Rubbish.

The search for a cure continues...

7 comments:

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Did it squelch? The ear goo, that is.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oh Christ! Nearly forgot...

FIRST!!!!!!!!!!



and second...

Tim said...

No, sadly it did not ... in fact it was more like ear juice! I live in hope that a MASSIVE lump will just drop out one day, and then I'll be able to hear birds tweeting in Kansas.

Miss T said...

Maybe the goop in your ear is too thick for natural remedies? I usually swear by those sorts of methods - coupled with old fashioned prescription medicine of course!!

Just go to a doctor and get it syphoned already!!

Tim said...

I think it is. I'd use my phaser on it, but the batteries have run out. Plus, I'd no doubt stun/vapourise myself in the process.

Ha ha!

Yes, I think a trip to the docs is on the cards.

Dinah said...

Definitely time for the doctor. You'll feel soooooo good, and there's a satisfying amount of blocky stuff.

Tim said...

Yes, I tend to agree. And no one can say that I haven't given the hippy crap a go!!