Thursday, October 12, 2006

Get out of my bubble

Have you noticed recently that people seem to be a lot more ... pushy than they used to be? I was up-town yesterday evening, and the amount of people who just walked towards me like they were a bowling ball and I was the pin is unbelievable. There was barging, changes of direction without warning... pedestrians just seem a lot less organized than they used to be.

And it's not just central Londinium that is plagued by these people - it's everywhere! My lunchtime wandering into Hammersmith has become a constant struggle against a tide of power-walking business people, dazed oldies, spackerish school children, and damned dawdlers.

My observations have led to me break down society's various pavement pounders into these easy to manage categories:

1) The office worker: Generally the office worker strides out of their office bang on one o'clock, power-walking in their expensive leather shoes toward Pret a Manger to get a low-fat sandwich (to go). Their power-walking tendencies suggest that they want to be percieved as important, busy, and efficient. We all know they're lazy, good-for-nothing time-wasters who don't actually know what they are doing, and so generally hand all their work over to the office junior to do for them.

Office workers occasionally head out en masse, striding side-by-side down the pavement, giving way to no one. And when they bump into you, they will undoubtedly blame you, and call you a naughty word. Possibly one beginning with 'C.'

2) The oldies: Does exactly what it says on the tin. Oldies dawdle, pushing their tartan wheelie-bins around and often stopping for no reason, and without warning. Oldies appear to move in slow motion, but can be deceptively quick to get in your way if you try to overtake them.

3) Mummies. Ugh, with pushchairs and brat-children. Every bit as bad as oldies, but you know they've actually got the common sense to be polite and move out of your way, or at the very least make a little room to let you by; they never do, however, and that makes them complete bitches.

Mummies in pairs should be avoided at all costs, because THEY WILL NOT LET YOU BY, and reporting to your local NHS walk-in centre with pushchair tyre-marks across your face can be embarrassing.

4) Mobilies. Mobilies are a sub-species of office workers, but they use the fact that they are holding their phone to their heads (while conducting THE most important phone call in the history of important phone calls) as an excuse to look down at the ground as they walk, putting all responsibility on you for moving out of the way. Mobilies continue on a straight path until they end their call or reach the end of the pavement.

ADDITIONAL WARNING: Mobilie fag-break. The mobilie fag-break hangs around outside their office with a cigarette in one hand, and the phone in the other. They also only look at the ground, but will pace up and down. Do not get stuck behind one - they will turn on a moments notice and bash into you, causing your double latte to spill down your front. They are twats.

5) Crazies: They are crazy. Crossover the road my friends, cross over the road.

6) Paper-pushers: a relatively new development, thanks to TheLondonPaper and London Lite. They will try everything to force their free newspapers on you, even if you're already holding copies of each. Here's a headline for you: Paper-pusher beaten unconscious by pedestrian driven mad by free newspapers! It will happen - do not test me!

7) Charity muggers: The lowest of the low. They will jauntily accost you in the street with happy-happy greetings before springing their devious tales of charity woe upon you. Ignore them, slap them, pepper-spray them - they must be stopped!

8) General nobwits. The general nobwit is anyone who does not fall into any of the above catergories. They're just ignorant and fail to understand why they should give a little room if they can barge you out of the way.

All of their above are a common sight on Britland's high streets these days, and the one annoying habit they share is that they all seem willing and able to invade my bubble at every opportunity. My bubble (the spherical personal space encompassing my general area) is not to be breached unless you are invited.

I do not like having my bubble violated.

Step away from the bubble.

OK?

7 comments:

Dinah said...

Yes! What is it with people not understanding how to walk on a sidewalk? God!

(and that's not the slightest bit facetious, this seriously makes me angry too).

Tim said...

Thank god I'm not the only one to notice this!!

Dinah - we should equip ourselves with electric cattle prods. They'll soon move out of the way then!

IDV said...

Where can I get one of these cattle prods (just in case I inexplicably run out of hexes)? These miscreants of humanity must be stopped. At All Costs!

P.S I especially liked the 'Mummies' description, culminating in "and that makes them complete bitches." It actually did make me snort coffee out of my nose. Now all I can smell is coffee.

Bloody Bollocky WV Identity thingy is thwarting me at every turn! It keeps telling me to login when I already am! Grrr.... Here goes nothing!

Tim said...

I would've thought Tesco would sell them. They seem to sell everything else... If not, maybe an army surplus store?

You can only small coffee? That's great - I'd love that! I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to snort coffee out of my nose. Or maybe try doing a line of Nescafe.

I've found the word verification thing a bit of a pain every now and then ... although it's certainly been better behaved since I went Beta!

Tim said...

Oh, and I meant to say "smell coffee" not "small coffee."

Because everyone knows small coffee is espresso.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* snigger *

Tim said...

I tipe reelly goud!