Yes you read that right - I've just played badminton!
Wha...? What the hell did you think I meant, perverts?!
Geez!
Anyway, as I might've mentioned at some point, I used to play badminton. A LOT. I ran a club, became a qualified instructor, and made the ladies swoon with my awe-inspiring technique (I could've made another cock reference then, but your filthy minds are already running hot) and adonis-like physique (you may add your own smutty joke her, I shall allow it just this once).
As tends to happen though, things fall by the wayside after a while, and as the club night was Friday, I eventually began to stop ... going (being in my twenties, Friday's are generally an awfully inconvenient night I tell you!). And despite constant texts, emails, and prodding from my former club, badminton faded into the mists of time... (what a romantic way of saying 'I stopped going').
Until tonight, that is.
Yes - tonight I returned in all my racquet-wielding, cock-smacking glory! (This is truly the dirtiest, and yet most innocently intended post I've EVER written - I JUST CAN'T HELP IT).
To be honest, I expected to be a bit spacker-tastic, and was pleasantly surprised that I could still hit the cock with relative ease. And I was astounded to find that I've gone down in club lore; when introduced to a relative newbie he replied "Oh, are you the guy that can play with the racquet in either hand?"
Why yes I am, my friend; watch and learn. WATCH. AND. LEARN.
There were a couple of things that held me back from the true, absolute greatness of years gone by:
• Hair. As my hair is really quite long now, I'd not anticipated that it would get in my eyes. Which was a bit of a pain; must utilise baseball cap next time, trendily reversed to provide unhindered vision.
• Deafness. I had to keep explaining to people that I'm slightly deaf, and if they shouted "you get it," they'd better actually turn to face me so I could lip read. Otherwise I wouldn't hear a damn thing and would just stand there like a simpleton. I genuinely am running out of variations on the word "what!?"
Here's a few choice quotes from the evening:
• "How am I supposed to know the bloody score?"
• "You- Oops."
• "Bugger" (in Captain Jack stylee).
• "Whack it into his face!"
• "Smack it you bitch!"
• "Where's the cock?"
• "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT" (actually a drawn out version of 'Shot,' not 'shoot')
All in all it was a very worthwhile and entertaining evening. And by god, I've still got it!
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12 comments:
I haven't played badminton since High School, but I play right handed and serve left handed. Is that weird?
Smack it to you Bitch! I don't even know the context or the right way to say that line, and I love it. I'm going to try it out the next chance I get.
And it appears that I made that one up based loosely on one you actually wrote.
Carry on.
Tina and I would play badminton with the kids in the street. We were both really ace at it - and so help the arse kicking that the other kids got.
Best moments include going to take a big serve and hitting the mango tree and a mango falling onto my head and watching Tina rip her pants trying to climb over the fence to get the lost cock.
You have mango trees????"?
Mangos grow on trees?
I played badminton this summer, but we didn't have a net so we played a game where we stand 8 metres apart and take turns to hit each other with the cock. It was a lot of fun, but the 'victim' isn't allowed to move so not flinching is hard.
Dinah - that's OK, they're very fluid phrases, and I actually quite like "smack it to you bitch." In fact, I might try it myself next time!
Dora - you've just provided me with the funniest mental image!! But in this version, the mango-head hitting and the pant-ripping happen all at the same time!! I don't know why Tina's going over the fence moments after you've been whacked by a large fruit!!!
Skillz - that's pretty much how I play (except with a net). There's no easier way of scoring a point than to go for a quality head shot, or one to the Gentleman's Assets.
Easy points and comedy value in one go.
I think I can feel the 64% Lady coming on again...
* fannage *
Phew! Thank goodness that's been averted. I'm bored of swooning. And the back of my head's really sore from banging it on various sharp cornered bits of furniture on the way down...
I used to whack the old cock around when I was younger too. Badders is about the only sport I could play with any conviction. I can't imagine why?
That's it!! I am flagging this post for er... cock content!
So, uh... you're the guy that can bat the cock with two hands eh? Impressive! Please read that in the smuttiest Fonzi voice possible.
Oh, and um Dinah, mangoes grow on awesomely huge and pretty trees all over our state, which is pretty subtropical. Kind of like um.... Florida? I think.... but Queensland doesn't have that many retirees.
Inexplicable Device - you can feel the 64% lady coming on again? Isn't that another way of saying 'time of the month' ... or do you mean something else...? (heh heh!)
Badminton is definitely a sport for everyone - it's the only sport I was good at when I was a tubby littl' thang!!
Miss T - I read everything in the smuttiest Fonzi voice anyway!! He's in panto in Wimbledon this year... maybe I should go see it... (It was supposed to be The Hoff, but he pulled out because someone gave him a real job).
Time OF The Month? Blech! No. That old mush has long gone, thank goodness!
I've just re-read my earlier comment and realised that it's more innuendo laden than I intended. Apologies for the confusion, but: Yay me!
I tried growing a mango once - it got to about six inches high (no innuendo intended) then died. Selfish thing.
Ha ha ha!!! Innuendo is awesome, you innuend as much as you want!
I tried to grow an oak tree from an acorn once. I planted it in a little pot. I even chose where I was going to plant it in the garden.
It also got to about six inches high, then died. Mighty oaks 'n all that my bum; crap twigs more like.
Maybe six inches is some kind of danger zone for plants!? Call Alan Titchmarsh!!!
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