Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I'm not playing

So today is Halloween. Or Hallowe'en. Or All Hallow Eve.

Well "Whatevah," because I ain't playing.

The way I look at it, you see, is that Halloween is predominantly an American thing, something that wikipedia backs me up on:

Most other Western countries have embraced Halloween as a part of American pop culture in the late 20th century.

And even if it weren't, I still wouldn't play because we, the British, are rubbish at it. Having watched ET quite a lot as a kid, I know that Halloween is a big-do over the pond, which is fine because from what I can tell they do it right with amazing costumes and scary decorations.

What do people do over here? Put on a Scream mask and dress their eight year-old children up to look like tiny prostitutes. Overdoing the mascara does not make little Susan look like a corpse. I think Tyler Durden summed it up best in Fight Club:
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!"
So we're pretty pathetic at a holiday that isn't really ours to celebrate. Blame Hallmark - they clearly identified a gap in the market between Secretary's Day and Christmas. Doubtless we'll be celebrating Thanksgiving next, and be equally rubbish at that too.

This time last year I was in the initial throws of decorating Sparky Towers, starting with the bedroom, and any trick-or-treaters were swiftly greeted by me leaning out the window threatening to cover them in Dulux Blossom White non-drip gloss. They soon vamoosed.

This year I don't have quite the same arsenal at my disposal. And quite frankly, even if I did open the front door to them I've got very little to give them. I could rummage up a couple of sesame seed Ryvita and a frozen Birdseye potato waffle, but quite frankly I don't think that would satisfy today's up-and-coming young satanists.

To be honest I've already had two groups ring the door bell. The first saw me walking up the path having just gotten home from work and scampered after me - I had barely set foot in the front door! The second rang the bell while I was checking my email. They could probably see me through the window, in which case they could also see the raised middle finger I was using to scratch the back of my neck.

I'm a simple man with simple pleasures, and I just want to be left alone to cook my steak burger with blue cheese and mustard melt while gently toasting my ciabata bap under the grill.

So a number of plans have formulated for the remainder of the evening.

a) Continue to ignore them.
b) Do my usual thing when confronted by unwanted visitors - turn all the lights of while they are standing at the door and pretend no one is at home.
c) Go to the gym.

I think I'll go put my trainers on.


What the hell is up with people these days? Jo and I had a bit of an email chat today, and we've both run into situations recently where we've been confronted by people who we've been incredibly polite and helpful to, and yet they've seen fit to either:

a) treat us like shit.
b) demand EVEN more of us and moan if we don't comply.

Fortunately, just as with the Halloween thing, we've formulated a plan. It generally involves some variation of a roundhouse kick to the face.


Dinah said...

Do people there throw eggs and TP and such at the people who don't answer the door?

I hope not.

Also, celebrate our Thanksgiving. More about the harvest and less about saying "screw you!" to Britain.

Tim said...

I hope not.

Um, generally I've never really known anyone to actually carry out a trick, aside from some silly string over my dad's car a few years back.

I think the police come down quite hard on vandalism!!

Miss T said...

All the kids at school were all "we're going trick or treating!". I got all Nona on their arses and said it was actually a religious holiday and very serious, and really the American thing was just commercial.

They probably all went out to get lollies laced with bad stuff anyway.

Egging someone's house because they don't give strangers treats? Screw that! That's just rude, and you need to turn a high pressure hose on the little bastards. How do you like them apples, Freddy Krueger?

Tim said...

Too goddamn right! And it encourages childhood obesity, which is a huge thing in Britland at the moment (literally!) - you just google 'turkey twizzlers' and you'll find out why!

The last thing we need is a generation of fat children with no teeth having coronories while trying to lob an egg.

skillz said...

Had some kids come round earlier. They didn't have costumes, but they were really REALLY ugly so I gave them some Chewits.

Dinah said...

Meanwhile, your dinner sounded delicious. How was it?

Tim said...

Skillz - Were they like the chewits monsters? Did you whack them over the head with the packet?

If not, find them, and hit them!

Dinah - Crikey, it was super! Although I should've toasted the bap a little more. Still, now I know for next time!

inexplicable device said...

When they say "Trick or Treat?", I always say "Treat, please", grab their buckets of loot then slam the door in their faces.

Well, I would if I was in. Obviously, being a Groom (he's a Gayer, don't you know) of Satan, I'm out and about striking terror into the souls of all and sundry. Or at least making polite conversation round a friend's house...

Tim said...

I think you missed the stage between saying "treat, please," and grabbing their loot when you're supposed to punch them in the face...

There's a fine line between striking terror and making polite conversation!!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oh yes, I can't think why I forgot that bit.

Tim said...

Simple mistake. And if you ever do forget that part, you could always chase them down the street and - WHAAAM! - finish it off!

Dinah said...

WHAM! like, finish it off by singing Careless Whisper?

Tim said...

Ha ha ha!! I've just watched The Rules of Attraction on DVD - the scene where the two guys are dancing to 'Faith' by George Michael while jumping around on the bed cracks me up!

I'd dance on my bed if I didn't think it break.