Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Someone's going to get a slap

Two incidents occurred today - within the space of about half an hour - which almost resulted in me unleashing, to quote The OC, the twin ambassadors of pain.

Incident 001, approximate time: 1306
A few minutes after leaving the office en route to meet Yaz by the tramp's urinal in Hammersmith, I encountered a female pedestrian aged approximately 30-40 years in one of Hammersmith's leafier back streets.

Said pedestrian was wearing a bizarrely ill-fitting saggy dress sans bra, which was horrifically mismatched with black and red-spotted high-heeled shoes done up with laces; I'm by no means a fashion guru, my wardrobe consisting almost entirely of variations on the tried and tested formula of jeans and t-shirts, but goddamn she looked like she'd been dressed by Stevie Wonder. In the dark. While he was tied up.

Anyway, horrifically dressed pedestrian woman was attempting to text while she was walking, and both acts were suffering in the process. Not only was she punching the buttons on the phone while holding it about 20 centimeters from her face, looking for all the world like she'd never seen a mobile before, but she was also weaving across the rather narrow pavement, and walking at around the same speed as a bewildered toddler.

So, rather quickly, I was stuck behind this woman (her hair was really raggy too, but I'll let that slide). After trying to discern a pattern to her weaving (which reminded me of that bit at the end of The Phantom Menace when Obi Wan and Darth Maul are stuck between the randomly activating shieldly things), I plumped for a quick maneuvre using an outstretched hand to indicate my desired path, as she veered to the left.

Approximately halfway through said maneuvre, just as I said "sorry…" as an "excuse me" substitute, the woman noticed me. This led me to believe that she would merely step aside to let me pass.


She did THE most spectacular double-take I've ever seen. Now, I don't know if she actually was a cartoon character (although she certainly dressed like one), but she then followed the double-take up with an incredible jump into the air. I literally expected her eyes to come out on stalks.

This woman clearly thought I'd snuck up on her in an attempt to mug her for her shitty old phone or something. And to be honest, her amazing reaction to my presence made me wonder if I shouldn't disappoint her and should at least maybe make an effort to steal her mobile, or push her to the ground and conduct an impromptu happy-slapping incident.

In the end, I realised the silly tart really wasn't worth my time, shook my head in disgust, and continued on my way.

I'd loved to have seen the text she subsequently sent, though.

Incident 002, approximate time: 1324

Nestling a grande misto in my hands and enjoying convivial conversation with Yaz outside Secret Starbucks (not so secret any more - there was no seating inside!), I crossed my left leg across my right. After a couple of minutes, I began to loose feeling in my left leg, so I decided to uncross my crossed legs, and sit with both legs a gentlemanly distance apart.

Midway through the uncrossing maneuvre, a tall man in a business suit walked past us, passing, I note, WITHIN the perimeter of our personal bubbles in the process (and we all know I *hate* people entering my bubble). Of course, this almost led me to accidently kick said man in the gentleman's assets. Disaster was averted by a swift sidestep by him, and a quick mid-leg-uncross maneuvre abort procedure on my part.

The man then glared at me as he strode on.

"Sorry…" I said, before wondering why *I* was apologising for *him* entering my bubble. So I glared back.

And then Yaz shouted "RUDE!" at him, and we returned to our conversation, safe in the knowledge that, as with incident 001, it was we who were in the right.

Goddamn pedestrians.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

The lady from incident 001 wasn't Helena Bottom-Carter, was it? It sure does sound like her from your description...

P.S. You may like to notice that One is first. Huzzah!

Tim said...

Alas not. If it had been, I might've been tempted to say "Christ! You looked better as a monkey!" just to see her cry.

Dinah said...

She did make an awfully fetching monkey.

Tim said...

A better monkey than a human!

Dora and Tina said...

You should have kicked that guy!!! Well within rights to yell RUDE and also kick him.

As for bag lady...well yu should have shoved her to the ground...

Miss T said...

Then take her phone and texted "whoever you are, please help the owner of this phone to dress properly....

Tim said...

Dora - Damn right! is that deserving of snaps?

Miss T - And then thrown it at her head, pulled her shoes off and stamped on them.

Is that going too far?