As an avid movie-goer, I think I'm well-placed to advise film studios on what the public really want to see. Watch out for these blockbusters coming your way in the next few years:
• Back to the Fuchsia - Join a crazy professor, his teenage sidekick and a sheep dog on a cracking adventure across time, space, and a pantone colour chart.
• The Doddfather – a remake of The Godfather starring Ken Dodd. I definitely think there's scope for sequels here.
• Coyote – Philip Seymour Hoffman reprises his Oscar-winning role in this sequel that sees him again trying to outwit that wily roadrunner.
On a related note, have you seen the trailer for Basic Instinct 2, the latest thriller to star 84 year old Sharon Stone? Oh, sorry, I meant '48'. Anyway, I'm betting all my savings on that being the best film ever, and in no way a gratuitous, plot-less waste of time that's as sexy and intriguing as an episode of Coronation Street from 1972.