Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A load of old kabollocks

Has anyone noticed that the Royal Mail have started to use red elastic bands to hold piles of letters together?

No? Well, they have. Just look at the ground in any London street and you'll no doubt find them. I think the posties are engaged in some kind of ongoing street war, only armed with lacky bands not water pistols.

Anyway, these red elastic bands appear to be breeding in the office, so I've started to collect them together in an attempt to make a lacky band ball about the size of a basketball. And when it's complete I'll take it down to Ravenscourt Park and shoot some hoops. More on this project in the future, no doubt.

Where was I? (God, I'm off on all different sorts of tangents today...) Oh yeah, red elastic bands in the office, right. So, in the course of collecting these bands I inevitably put them round my wrist.

Like so:

(Gosh, does my wrist look fat in that?)

Suddenly today, I realised that these bands made me look like a follower of Kabbalah, except my wristbands don't protect me from evil, or cost 26 dollars.

That got me thinking - maybe I should join a religion! Now, the last time I was in a house of worship was when I was about nine, and I was only there because the head of Beavers threatened to chuck me out unless I went to church parade. Bitch. (I later spoke to her in tongues, spat on her, and told her she'd be smote. Smitten? Smitted? Whatever, it had the desired effect and she left me to my own God-less devices, albeit while occasionally trying to splash me with holy water)

Thing is, I wouldn't want to join any old religion. No way. And I'm sure you all know what the most fun one looks to be.

Yes my friends, Scientology!

Scientology looks fascinating on so many levels, not least because Tom Cruise looks like he's having a ball. Well, Katie Holmes actually looked like she was having a ball until she dropped the sprogg. Did you see the size of that girl's bump? Geez!

But, yeah, Scientology looks to be the way forward. Particularly as I was reading the other day that each year a group of followers pay 10,000 dollars to head out into the desert to try and will a spaceship to rise out of the sands and whisk them off to Alpha Centauri or wherever the hell it is they come from.

And let's face it, baby, if there's anyone on the planet who can will a giant spaceship out of the ground with the power of his mind, it's me.

I've been waiting for the chance to snag my very own spaceship since the first time I saw Flight of the Navigator.


M said...

What they don't tell you is that when they raise the spaceship out of the desert, and it opens up to let them in, a nine foot John Travolta look-a-like jumps out and enslaves them all...

...then your the alien Travolta's bi-atch for the next 100 light years back to Alpha Centari...

Tim said...