Gym'll fix it

Now then, now then...

Ignoring the bank holiday, I've had an interesting first day of my week off. I use the term 'interesting' loosely.

I got up reasonably early and thought - hey! I'll go to the gym! Then I went back to sleep. About an hour later, I woke up again, and thought, hmmm. Gym. So I faffed about for around an hour, then buggered off down the gym. Now, you'd think that the gym would be empty around 10:30 on a Tuesday morning, except for, perhaps, a few scrummies. But no. It was full of dawdling old people, ASBO-dodging chavs, and most surprising of all, children.

Children?

Yes children. I'm all for kids using fitness facilities, because around 90 percent of kids these days are tubby little bitches whose faces appear to be covered in what appear to be rorschach tests crafted out of chocolate ("what do you see?" Erm, fat kid? "Yes! Well done!"). But, the thing is, y'know... could they not use another gym?

To top it off, there were no hot scrummies, and all the tellies were tuned to some sort of tweeny-bopper music channel that was only showing Duncan-bloody-James videos. Thank god for my iPod.

I fled after an hour, still pondering why there were so many kids, and so few scrummies.

A few hours later I stopped into Sainsbury's. Now, if you've read this blog before, you'll know my love/hate relationship with supermarkets. Tesco sucks; Sainsbury's is better.

But wait! Sainsbury's was also full of kids, wandering out in front of my trolley, wiping their sticky faces over everything.

What the hell was going on?!

Then I overheard too worn out Feltham mothers chatting in the biscuit aisle.

"I never know what to do wiff 'em during 'alf term."

What?!

Then it all became clear - why there were no scrummies down the gym ... why there were kids everywhere like a packs of wild, uneducated, spitting, swearing, chavvy animals.

Yes readers - have pity on me. Because once again, I've booked my time off during sodding half term.