I'm the captain of this ship

To quote My Chemical Romance...

"When I was a young boy, My mother took me into the city to see Star Trek III. She said, "Son when you grow up, will you be the editor of a Star Trek magazine?"

And I looked at her with the youthful exuberance of a seven year-old, winked, and replied "you betcha Sparky Ma!"

So yes, I can exclusively reveal here that it was Sparky Ma, way back in 1984, who took her youngest child and created this ... this monster of utter nerdiness. She has no one to blame but herself, bless 'er.

Skip forward to 2007. I'm feeling very captainly today, it must be said; in fact, I feel like I've been imbued by the spirit of Captain Kirk. You might ask how, or you might not care. For those who don't care, well I'm ploughing on regardless. At work I felt restless and fidgety, rather like Kirk at the beginning of Star Trek Generations when he wants to take control of the Enterprise-B from the inexperienced new captain in order to save 240 people on those two passenger ships stuck in the Nexus. Although it might have something to do with the fact that I've started running again and it's made me feel a bit energetic.

It might also have something to do with the fact that I put my captainly skills to good use to complete Star Trek Legacy on the Xbox 360. Just over three weeks - how good is that? I whupped the Borg, then I went online and whupped some kid. And he had a more powerful ship than me. It's all about the tactical skills, y'see.

But it might have something to do with my desire to start a new secret club. I probably shouldn't tell you, but I'm going to anyway.

(looks suspiciously in both directions)

It's Captain Kirk Fight Club (but you can't talk about it, understand).

There's several reasons why Captain Kirk is my favourite Star Trek captain. First of all, he's simply the coolest dude ever. Add to that the fact that he got all the (green-skinned) girls, had the coolest ship ever, and possibly the best form of hand-to-hand combat know to man or best. Ever.

(There's also the fact that my initials are TJ, which was a remarkable piece of foresight on the part of my parents by naming me after another of Shatner's characters, TJ Hooker, seven years before the series started. Shame they never followed through with the deed poll forms to change our surname. For years I kept telling all and sundry that I wanted to be a Hooker.)

So let's review the fighting style.

Step 1:

After walking nonchalently up to his rifle-carrying adversary, note how Kirk applies his palm to the face of the unfortunate hooded alien. Why use a phaser when you can break someone's nose and shove it into their brain?

Step 2.

As if the hooded alien wasn't stunned and humilated enough by having his face wrecked by a middle-aged dude in a sweater with elbow patches, Kirk then takes the somewhat unnecessary, but nonetheless impressive step of bitch-slapping the little punk with the back of his hand. Ouch!

As you can see, there's a definite style here, and one that I think would be served well by a Captain Kirk Fight Club. And to push the point even further, my pal Jo came into possession of a Sci-Fi Channel press kit that she thought would suit me down to the ground. because included within is a piece of wood. But it's not just any piece of wood! It's a special piece of wood.

I'm going to show you my wood now:

Now what's so special about Tim's wood, you might ask? And why does it say 'chop here?'

Well let me tell you. It's special wood, wood that ties in with another unique Kirk-style attack. I quote from the attached Sci-Fi Channel documentation:

"The Kirk shoulder chop. Only get the wood out after you've practised on something softer first."

By that I think they mean someone's face.

So anyway, I'm definitely in training for Captain Kirk Fight Club; I've got the palm attack, the bitch-slap, and the shoulder chop. I'm literally tearing my shirt at the shoulder in anticipation of a bumpy-headed opponent whose name sounds like the sort of noise you make when you're throwing up. As Kirk might say: "Bring... it... ON!"

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And for any bloody pacifists out there wanting to get in on the Captain Kirk Fight Club action, the Sci-Fi Channel kit has something for you too.


It's a squeezy ball on which to practise your Vulcan nerve pinch, you friggin' hippy.