Tree'd off

I'd always thought that buying a Christmas tree would be a relatively easy proposition. It seems I was wrong.

I've been looking for weeks for a decent artificial Christmas tree (I don't like cleaning at the best of times, let alone having to sweep up after a disgruntled tree that keeps flicking bits all over the floor), with a four ft. one being the the ideal height. Sparky Towers is, you see, not the biggest abode on the face of the Earth; small but perfectly formed, I like to say. That being the case, I don't particularly want to over-egg the pudding with some seven ft. monstrosity that'll loom over the living room in an omnious fashion unbecoming of a symbol intended to celebrate the festive period.

So today I've been to three different places to try and track down the perfect tree: Tesco, and two different branches of Homebase.

Tesco was a complete waste of time. They only had six and seven ft. trees. Seriously, I wouldn't even be able to get one of them in my car. They were ma-hoo-sive. And as soon as some middle-aged woman started crying by the crackers because someone was blocking her trolley in I knew I had to get out of there.

Homebase proved to be a little more helpful in the fact that they had an easy to read guide to the trees they have available. Unhelpfully, they'd sold out of what would clearly be the perfect tree for me. The nearest equivilent was a four ft. fibre optic tree (ooooo sparkly!), but there's something in me that prefers a traditionally lit tree. It was also about 40 quid more than the sold-out tree I really would've wanted.

On to Homebase branch numero deux! This branch proves a little more helpful in the fact that they had one non-fibre optic traditional tree of suitable height. On the downside it was inexplicably priced at £30 (!), and the branches were covered in what the box described as "traditional frosting," and what I'd describe as "some weird white shit."

I'm also troubled by tree decorations themselves; fashion appears to be dictating that black and white are 'this season's colours.' Now, far be it for me as a fashion guru to argue, but black and white don't seem very festive. Where's the reds, the blues, the golds!? I want multi-colours, not monochromatic monotony!

So, somewhat disgruntled, I decided that Homebase can shove their tree - I'll make do with some festive detailing. And by that I mean lots of tinsel.

As I walked out of the store, I noticed that they were selling tiny baby real Christmas trees in pots. I almost succumbed. But then I figured it'd eventually grow up, get all rebelious, and start shedding on my floor and then I'm back to square one.

Also, they all looked kind of like the weedy tree from A Charlie Brown Christmas.