Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Oi Sparky! Where's the malarkey?

That's what Marcosy said to me when I met him for lunch yesterday. Good grief, you go a few days without making a post, and people start making demands on you!

Well, Marcosy, this one's for you - here's a breakdown of todays traumas and triumphs!

• The lovely Lauren Laverne played my 8 o'clock shuffle on the XFM breakfast show this morning - 'No one knows' by Queens of the Stone Age, 'Ace of Spades' by Motorhead, and 'Everlong' by the mighty Foos in honour of saturday's gig. It made me all misty-eyed recalling that momentous day, then I remembered I was driving down the Chiswick High Road in heavy traffic and I should probably concentrate on the world around me before I run an old lady over or something.

• Went to Starbucks at lunchtime. A lady went to sit down outside and the wind blew her dress right up over her head so EVERYONE in the shop got to see her knickers - and she knew it. If that'd been me, I would've turned bright red and run off (though it'd be unlikely I'd be wearing a dress in the first place). Kudos to her, she sat down, lit a ciggie, and sipped her coffee. Hang on - you don't think she did it on purpose, do you? Dirty minx!

• I have two new friends on my myspace page! And who are they? Glad you asked - none other than George Takei and William Shatner! I'm wondering if I should rearrange the pictures on my 'friend' list so George and Shatty aren't next to each other - I think we all know that they don't really get on. Anyway, Shatner's already sent me, like, three emails telling me what he's up to, and I'm, like, "Bill, chill out, take it easy, we can catch up soon." I do hope I won't have to take out a restraining order. A celebrity stalker - muchos fun!

• My local village (yes, I said VILLAGE!) is holding a fayre on July 1st! How very 16th century! Part of me thinks I should go along to check it out. Another part of me reckons it'll just be full of old people showing off their buns to all and sundry. And by 'buns' I do mean 'baked goods,' not 'aged bodily parts,' you dirty bleeders!

What else... Oh:

• SPOON UPDATE! Once again I used every teaspoon in the house while preparing my dinner. I think I might have to sort out some sort of emergency spoon system. Maybe like a fire alarm with a little piece of glass you have to smash before you are able to access the spoons...

• I've just eaten a curry that was supposedly intended for two people (yeah, right - two midgety people!), and followed it up with half a tub of Häagen-Dazs cookies and cream ice-cream. If this makes you think that I'm a teenage girl getting over a break-up, well, you'd be wrong, sister. I do think I should go out for a run now, in case I wake up tomorrow the size of Jabba the Hutt.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Or, you could wake up the size of William Shatner!

Bravo on getting a celeb stalker!

Tim said...

If I woke up as William Shatner tomorrow I'd quite possibly be the happiest person alive.

Funnily, he's actually quite tiny in real life. Oops, I just name dropped there, didn't I. Hee hee!

Dora and Tina said...

On the issue of your spoons you need to get in place a colour coded warning system for random acts of spoon terror (that is the terror of running out):

Green - Low
All spoons are present and clean in the draw.

Blue - Guarded
Most spoons are present and clean in the draw. 1 or 2 spoons are unaccounted for.

Yellow - Elevated
Only 10 clean spoons can actually be located.

Orange - High
Less than 5 spoons can actually be located. Might be clean or dirty or a mixture of both. Break open emergency supply and find a warm, dark place to keep calm.

Red - Severe
Spoons are all dirty and you have no idea where they are. The end of the world is upon you. There is no point in living.

Tim said...

Whoa! That is a bloody brilliant idea!! I definitely hit an orange last night, although I'm glad, you'll also be glad, and no doubt the world at large is glad to hear that Sparky Towers is currently on blue alert.

All spoon related-malarkey is in hand and under control!