Tuesday, February 20, 2007

It's official - you heard it here first

I'm going to run for London mayor.

Bet you weren't expecting that, hmmm…?

It makes sense, you see, because quite frankly I couldn't be any more of a doofus at it than the existing one, and I've got chiselled good looks and well-defined thighs on my side. OK, so it might be a bit of a snap decision, but ol' Ken has only got himself to blame, what with his stupid congestion charge extension. Admittedly this doesn't effect me - the office is about a mile away from the zone now - but I honestly don't think the greasy little money grabber will stop there, and it strikes me as a bit self defeating seeing as all those Chelsea tractors have paid their residents charge and can drive through the zone whenever they please now.

Favourite quote of the week comes from Ken Livingstone:
"Congestion levels have already dropped in the new zone."
Yes, that's because you launched it in half term, you tit. It's like saying classrooms are a bit empty this week. Or pubs tend to get a little busy on a Friday evening - but the opposite, if you see my meaning.

I'm not a fan of the congestion charge, although admittedly it made sense in the centre of London; I mean, really, who wants to drive round there anyway? The tube makes much more sense. But Kensington and Chelsea? That's pure and simple greed. I'll also admit to not being a fan of people who feel the need to drive around in massive gas-guzzlers, but I suppose they need to compensate for small penises somehow. Really, there's no need for huge cars, unless you've pumped out quintuplets. Smaller ones are much funkier, anyway.

I also find it funny how when the congestion charge was introduced Ken stated that it was a charge on congestion, not for environmental causes. And yet now he keeps playing the environmental card - make yer bloody mind up!

On a related issue, I notice today that Ken has negotiated cheap oil from Venezuala to power London's buses, and will use the savings to cut bus fares for people on income support. First of all - oil from Venezuala?! How naive is he? It'll probably be half cut with instant coffee. Or three-quarters cut. Or it will simply be instant coffee. And secondly, how embarrassing will it be for the those on income support when they run their 'special oyster cards' over the scanner? It'll probably make some snide comment, or they'll have to ride on the roof or something. Or they'll make them ride in 'special' buses that look like they've been drawn by four year-olds, with wheels of differing sizes and painted in weird, childlike colour schemes. Oh, hang on, that's London's buses as they are.

I also love the fact that Friends of the Earth attacked Ken for bargaining for oil anyway. What do they think buses run on - hugs and kisses?

So yes, I think I should run for mayor next time round. I'm already planning campaign slogans: something along the lines of "championing sexy good-times in London" or "a vote for me is a vote for insanity!" because people love a bit of wackiness in their lives. I think it could work. I think we could wash the streets clean of problems and congestion with sexy good-times. I'd also release monkeys into the streets of our capital because everyone loves monkeys and they work wonders for tourism in Gibraltor. We could dress them up as Beefeaters at the tower, in swinging sixties garb in Carnaby Street, and as the Queen at Buck House. Awesome.

Are you with me? Are you?!

Feel free to volunteer your services (for the campaign effort, you perverts!), or ask questions regarding any political issues in the comments. Thank you.

13 comments:

skillz said...

You got my vote, Ken is a wankle.

Totally agree about how it's not really cutting congestion. Things is, the buses are crap and the trains are good but often crap and EXPENSIVE. So how the ffkk are we meant to get around? Congestion charges are workable only if the public transport works well 24/7.

Tim said...

Skillz - Exactly! If I trained it into work it would cost about £200 a month AND take around two hours each way. Where's the incentive when I can drive it each day in 40 minutes and at half the cost?

I know - there is no incentive, so price me out of it!

Skillz. I'm going to make you some sort of aide in my new London order. What do you want to do? You can have first dibs on the monkey release program if you want, even though I'm sorely tempted to take charge of that myself.

Dinah said...

It's about time London had some well-defined thighs in charge. Bring back the sexy good-times!

T-Bird said...

I vote for sexy good times too. It's a very important issue, and more attention needs to be payed by our governments. I say we start funding sexy good times NOW!

Tim said...

Dinah - You're telling me! It's all a bit drab these days. I want to paint the streets in vibrant colours!

T-Bird - I'm not sure you're eligible to vote, seeing as you don't live in London… but then again, I might need all the help I can get. Any chance you can do a reasonable cockney accent - that might help us get you through.

Oh, and I'll make both of you my sexy good-times ambassadors to Canadinialand and Auuuuuuustraaaaliavilleland!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You get my vote, too. Chiselled good looks and well defined thighs? Oh my!

I'll rally around with the undead and bring them on board, too - although, not onboard the shockingly bad public transport (thanks Ken) - Their votes will far outweigh the living's. Everyone knows that there are far more dead people than alive ones.

Tim said...

Hurrah! I have the dead on my side! They won't whiff, will they? I can't have my new utopian London smelling of dead people.

I also have better hair than Ken, and my clothes fit properly. What's up with his weird Dynasty-style shoulder pads? Bizarre…

Tara said...

I'll vote for you! I don't live in the UK, but I'll make sure your name is an option in the states. If you need someone to put a slogan on T-shirts, bumper stickers and pins, I'm your man..Er well..woman. You know what I mean. I even have some magnetic backing to make fridge magnets and I have stuff to make bumper stickers for the cars.

Tim said...

Tara! You're totally my mayoral ambassador to the United States of Americaland!! Wow! You're totally geared up for the political campaign trail, aren't you? All I've got so far is a plot to release monkeys around London!

I don't even know when the mayoral elections are, to be honest. I should probably find out, shouldn't I? I think it's next year.

Bumper stickers are an awesome idea, except for the fact that I think Ken will have priced all the cars off the road by then, so we'd have stickers and no cars to stick them on.

Maybe I should get Banksy to graffiti tags everywhere… Or have the monkeys hand out flyers!

I've kinda gone off on a stream of consciousness thing here, huh?

iPandah said...

At the risk of sounding like a conformist I'D VOTE FOR YOU. See, I even wrote it in capitals, that means I'm SERIOUS. You could project your name/slogan on to the Houses of P like FHM did with Gail Porter's bee-hind. The monkeys could wear those scrolling LED t-shirts to further advertise your message, and you could make it so that we all work from home, and only have to venture into London for social activities. Also, if you get Apple to sponsor you, a large proportion of people with iPods, and EVERYONE who is a Mac head generally, will vote for you, because that's just what we do. Live long and prosper Mayor Leng....(that's got a helluva ring to it....)

Tim said...

ipandah - You conform as much as you want! Awesome, thank you. In fact, I like your ideas - you can be my campaign manager. As for the Houses of Parliament idea - I think if we projected an image of me dressed as Batman on there that would be great, because that would convey that I'm tough but fair, and have an air of mystery about me.

And if Apple sponsor me do I get freebies?

iPandah said...

I hope so, for both our sakes. Starting with the new iMac.

Tim said...

Ooo, yes, 24 inches of wonderment.

I think one of my mayoral policies is that everyone must use a Mac. And those dirty PC-huggers will have to make do with bootcamp or whatever it is that lets you use w**dows on a Mac.

(seriously, though, why would anyone do that!?)