Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Light some candles, put on some music - I'm in the mood, baby

As if you didn't know, tomorrow is Valentines day, and everyone seems to be going crazier than usual. The amount of blokes I've seen carrying huge bouquets of flowers around is insane; I mean, dudes, it's not even today - where are you going to hide the flowers, and how are you going to stop them wilting? Think, chaps, think! I should've taken those flowers off them and beaten them with them.

I usually pretty much ignore any Hallmark moments that aren't Christmas or birthdays; Secretary's day, anyone? I don't have a secretary, but if I did I certainly wouldn't be buying her a card. My theoretical secretary might be crap for all I know. She might make a rubbish cup of tea and have a pathological dislike for picking up the phone. Maybe I will buy her a card. I could pop her P45 inside. You're fired, theoretical secretary!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Valentines day. So, yeah, not so big on it. Adding to the annoyance is the fact that about nine years ago I got an anonymous card and never found out who it was from. I hate pissing unsolved mysteries. I asked one lady friend and she sounded a tad horrified that I thought it might be her. One time I did get a card from a lady who actually bothered to sign it, but she did herself no favours by comparing her love for me to a cabbage "because it was the only thing that rhymed." A lyrical gangsta she was not.

I can't believe how these Hallmark moments are turning into such huge events. Christmas is over and - BANG! - Valentines looms. And the shops are full of naughty red undies and the like; I'll be honest, most of them look bloody uncomfortable, and christ knows what she's supposed to wear. I think I'll stick to the established jeans look, although I might break out my 'Bed Taker' t-shirt if I'm feeling particularly naughty.

I suppose the other thing is that there's no point making an effort if you're single (putting on special undercrackers, lighting some candles, and cracking open some fizzy pop? That's just a normal day for me anyway). That doesn't really bother me, to be honest, because, well... well I don't really know, actually. Maybe I'm just super laid-back about it all (although not, obviously, in the biblical sense). I'll probably spend tomorrow evening out on a run. A sexy run, perhaps, but still a run.

Or maybe I'll just go for a coffee.


On a related note, the speed-dating thing I went on almost two years ago sent me an email telling me that they were giving me three days free 'flirt-messaging.' They also 'strongly advise' that I upload a picture of myself; I 'm thinking about whacking up a picture of someone reasonably heinous like Meatloaf, then messaging a load of women saying "I would do anything for love … but I won't do that you pervert!"


Look here - I've been meaning to post about this for aaaaaages, and I keep forgetting, so I'm tacking it on here. Superman - hero, yes? Yes? No. You are wrong. Check out this site, because it is clear that Superman is a dick.

My particular favourite bit is the cover gallery, specifically THIS ONE. Man, he's such a dick.


skillz said...

I can't believe you fired Theoretical Secretary! She may have been a bit useless, dim, yakked all day on the phone.. but what a RACK!

iPandah said...

Oh my hat! He really IS a dick! I'm so relieved that Batman's my favourite super hero. Even if some of his comments are a little, naive, at times.

I also think Valentines Day is lame. Let's face it, anything with the initials VD, is generally best avoided.

Tim said...

Skillz - Theoretical secretary so had it coming. Her theoretical work was below average, and I'm convinced she lied on her theoretical CV, the theoretical bitch. You can have her now, theoretical rack an' all, but I warn you, she is, as Ray Lamontaigne said, "trooooouble, trouble, trouble, trouble."

ipandah - He is a dick, isn't he? I wish comics were more like that now; instead they're all serious and shit, and paralleling real-world events. Let's have more comics were Superman's pal Jimmy Olson turns into a fish for no apparent reason!

I think Batman also has dickish moments, but that's kind of forgiveable bearing in mind that he's a sociopathic card-carrying member of NAMBLA.

Ohmygod! How did I not notice that Valentines day is abbreviated to VD? Awesome. I think VD 2008 will be the perfect time to unleash my STD-based board game on the nation; up and down the country there'll be cries of "I see your herpes - and I give you crabs!"

T-Bird said...

Will penicillin be the 'get out of gaol free' card?

Ok, Supes really is a dick. But I blame the 50's on that, because back then, clearly everyone was a dick.

Dude, that shirt is *gold*. I hope you wore it! Oh, and speed dating? If you made it Meatloaf when he was in "Fight Club" I would clap my hands and jump up and down like a special. That's a promise.

My vw is Nhaad. Sounds like a holy war of some sort, doesn't it?

Tim said...

T-Bird - Yeah, it should be, shouldn't it!!!

Supes is a dick, but I'm living in hope that his dick-ishness is restored, because that would be hilarious. He cries now, the big girl.

Do y'know, I'm not wearing my bed taker shirt. I'll save it for a special occasion. Or maybe just walk into the Ted Baker store wearing it - that'd lead to some looks, I reckon.

And in my mind there is only one Meatloaf - and that is Fight Club Meatloaf, man-boobs an' all. I should add that to the dating site just for a laff, shouldn't I? Even though I'm, y'know, totally more like Tyler Durden.

Your WV was Nhaad?! Screw holy wars - that's man parts! How rude!! Ohmygod - mine is gflap!

Tara said...

Today is Valentine's Day?! Wow, I really hadn't heard! That holiday just crops up on us out of the blue. Like a pink, lacy virus. Yeah, I saw people buying crap for it yesterday and I heard about it yesterday and the plethora of days before that. I'm not jealous, though. Nope. Not I. :)

We can be thankful that it'll be over soon.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You really crammed the funnies in to this post, didn't you? Laugh? I nearly peed in my super scratchy valentine pants!

Theoretical Secretary is my favourite, though. She's spactacularly rubbish - you were right to fire her.

Inexplicable DeVice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Inexplicable DeVice said...

Hmmm... That deleted one was me - I somehow duplicated my comment.

Tim said...

Ha ha! I try, and if it made you post the same comment twice I reckon that's mission accomplished! I forgot to wear my special Valentines pants. Humph.

Theoretical secretary made rubbish theoretical coffee too.

Tim said...

Tara - Indeed, over it is! I totally almost didn't realise it was happening either.

I bet freakin' Easter eggs are in the shops tomorrow...!

Tara said...

I was relieved just to hear a Guinness commercial for St. Patrick's Day! I thought "Oh yeah, that's coming up! I can celebrate that one for sure!"

Dinah said...

Hee...I planned my St. Patrick's day plans on the day after Valentine's day. Frankly, I'm more looking forward to that one!

Tim said...

Oh blimey, Paddy's day… yeah, hmmm… only thing is, I don't drink.

Maybe I could have a pint of cold coffee with cream on top!

Hurrah - problem solved!

(Did use to love Guinness though!)

Dinah said...

Mit, I will drink enough for both of us.