Saturday, February 17, 2007

The emo strikes back

Marcosy and I met up today for one of our increasingly commonplace jaunts to Kingston. But today we had a purpose: because today marked the opening of Kingston's very own Apple Store.

Oh, the excitement!

Of course, such was our enthusiasm we got there … well, quite late, actually. Apparently they were giving away free Apple t-shirts to the first 1000 people through the door from 9am, but the chances of me being awake and coherent at 9am on a Saturday morning are about as slim as one of those size zero models everyone's been bitching about at London Fashion Week.

So I suppose we got there around half two in the afternoon, and quickly decided that we'd save our Appley excitement up just a little bit more by heading for a coffee first, settling on Cafe Nero, Marcosy's preferred coffee shop (barista hotness rating: 2). Immediately Marcosy was pissed off because they've banned smoking, and he does like a ciggie with his cappucino. Yay for me though; I've become increasingly intolerant of the smell of smoke over the last couple of months.

Anyway, there we were chatting and getting all caffeined up, when this gaggle of emos turned up, and started doing their typical emo thing of just being incredibly annoying and shaking their big fat heads to get their stupid hair out of their stupid eyes. My advice? Get a friggin' haircut, nobwits. Then, though, one of them lit up a cigarette, the little emo-bitch. She was totally trying to be all anti-establishment, but there's quite a difference between burning your bra and lighting up a ciggie in a coffee shop. I felt like whacking the 'thank you for not smoking' sign round her stupid emo head, but I figure she'll have enough regrets in life later when she looks back on her stupid emo-past.

We drank up and left.

The new Apple Store ain't that big, to be honest, but it's full of Appley goodness and size isn't everything (though I wouldn't mind if it were just a little bit bigger). Previous experience with the Apple Store in Regents Street has shown me that the actual selling of Apple products is secondary to its use as an internet cafe for pikeys and asylum seekers wishing to check their hotmail or watch pornographic video clips in public, and I was braced for this new store to be similarly afflicted. Kingston, I soon came to learn, has its own unique Apple Store problems.

And it is emo-based.

Good lord. They were everywhere in their mascara, stripey tops, and stupid haircuts. But they weren't checking their email accounts, oh no; they were using the iSight cameras that are built into all new Macs and the photobooth program to take INCREDIBLY STUPID PICTURES OF THEMSELVES doing strange emo-hand gestures, including many, many images of them flipping the bird at the camera. Oh, they're *SO* intelligent!

All in all, I learnt something today: I really, really want a new iMac, and I fear for the future of the human race based on today's teenagers.


T-Bird said...

Grrrrrrr! EMO!!! Teenagers need to find new and interesting ways to completely piss off the rest of the world.

At least when I was at highschool, grunge and docs were at the zenith of coolness. Not stripy tops and makeup that makes you look like a French mime.

You should have whacked some in the groin with apple related products!

Oh, and pee ess. I wasn't that much of a painful tourist because Raymond and Jetz already knew how to get about without whacking groins. Instead, we just engaged in a little harmless frotterism.

Tim said...

T-Bird, they do indeed need to find something new to take up their time! Maybe a rocket trip to Neptune...


Could you imagine!?! iMac to the groin - WHACK! That would've been awesome! I might've been barred for life, but it might just've been worth it...

There was also an emo shouting in Waterstones. She almost got The Essential Spider-Man Volume 1 to the face.

T-Bird said...

Holy crap! I was flicking through that yesterday!! Spiderman, not emos.

I think that the Benny Hill groin whacking solution to problems is highly underrated. Got a problem with something or someone? A quick kick/whack/object thrown at the groin will solved that!

Quick! Someone call the UN!

Tim said...

It's a hefty volume - could do some serious damage to a skinny emo!

(Why are all emos skinny?)

Dinah said...

Because they are in too much emotional pain to eat. Or something.

I almost took offence to the last part, but then realized I'm no longer a teenager and therefore one stop closer to be able to yell at people and tell them to get off my lawn.

Ooh! wv: foxxi. Yes I am!

Tim said...

Dinah - come join with the rest of us standing on our lawns, waving our fists in the air and shouting "GET OFF MY LAWN DAMN KIDS!"

And maybe waving a cane in the air too!

skillz said...

Interesting p[oint about grubge t-bird, but you know that Kurt was known to wear strpey jumpers too right?

Tim said...

Skillz - There's three typos in your comment - are you drunk or in a hurry?

Freddy Kreuger also wore stripey tops, and in their defense I almost bought one yesterday. But definitely not an emo one, though.

skillz said...

Dude, Freddy Kreuger was *SSSSSSOOOOOO* emo it's untrue. You know he used those finger razors to do self-harm right?

As for the typos... Not drunk, not in a hurry, just a smidgen retarded.

Tim said...

Edward Scissorhands was majorly emo as well. He had the pale skin, mascara, and sullen expression. Damn emos are everywhere!

Join the redtarded club my fiend!

T-Bird said...

Before there were emo kids wearing stripey jumpers, Kurt did it. Before Kurt, Sting. Before Sting, Marcel Marceu. I think we should be very wary of a possible eons-long emo infiltration.

Goths and Edward Scissor hands were just the early wave.

Lord help us.

skillz said...

I've always wondered (well, wondered for the past 30 seconds) what the Lord of the Rings trilogy would have been like if they'd used Emos instead of Hobbits.

Tim said...

T-Bird - That sounds like the voiceover for a movie trailer! Attack of the Emos!!


Skillz - They wouldn't have cared about the ring; instead they'd have sat around moaning about things and listening to Fall out Boy.