Friday, February 16, 2007

Obligatory smutty post title failure (although you know I'd like nothing more than to give you one)

Can you believe I had a beard-based disaster yesterday? As you might recall, I've been rocking the fashionable beard for some time now, but, annoyingly it does tend to grow out of the comfort zone length. So there I was last night trimming it with my mach-5 (using a combination of the five-bladed head and the single-blade trimmer for those hard to reach places), when all of a sudden I trimmed a little too excessively and took a chunk out of it.

I looked at the smooth patch in utter disbelief. How long have I been shaving? Years or days? What an elementary mistake to make. I looked like I had alopecia.

My initial reaction was to swear a bit then shave the whole lot off, but I like the beardy look; my boss told me it made me look "dangerous" the other day. So instead I've gone for the goatee look, which isn't something I've really tried before, to be honest. It's not amazing, but it's OK, and truth be told it fits in pretty well with the next issue of the Star Trek magazine we're working on; one of the featured episodes is 'Mirror, Mirror,' also know as the 'Spock beard show.' I'm my own evil twin.

Muwahahaha.

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Met Yaz up town for a post-work coffee to mull over her five days worth of work on a book about juices. She seemed to enjoy it, but the whole meeting up town thing was a bit of a stupid idea. Every time I go to Oxford Street it seems to be full of more and more complete dunces. On the tube up there I had some dopey tourist standing in front of me, completely oblivious to the fact that he was well within my personal bubble, and happy to wedge his bag against right my groin; I was gonna have a word, but I figured if someone set off the emergency alarm and the brakes slammed on, at least I wouldn't fall over. Surely things would be better when I got off (the train, you perves…)? You'd think… I remarked a few years ago that I thought a significant proportion of people in London where perverts and psychopaths. We may now add to that list dawdling pedestrians, spack-tastic old people, and emo-children who were congregating EVERYWHERE. And then there was that stupid woman in an electric wheelchair in HMV. Now I know I shouldn't rant or take the mickey out of the disadvantaged, but she was driving past the Top 20 DVDs not looking where she was going and almost ran me over. I felt like popping a copy of 'The Last Kiss' DVD on the back of her wheelchair so she got caught for shoplifting on the way out.

That would've taught her.

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Yes! Dancing on Ice is on tomorrow! Remember how I got right into Strictly Come Dancing during the last series? How I grew to appreciate the skill of the routines, and the beauty of ballroom dancing? Well none of that applies to Dancing on Ice - I just want to see D-list celebs smack their faces on the ice!

6 comments:

T-Bird said...

Suggested post title content: something about groin whackery and beards.

Ok. So where is Oxford Street? Is that where Tish meets her pet gay to set him up (league of gentlemen)?

As for the tube... it's so hot and claustrophobia inducing! I got sick in the tummy every time I had to go on it.

Or it could have been that as a tourist, I was smashing my groin into a local's. They give you a handbook on how to annoy Lundunners on the rube, and that's number one. Super number one, in fact.

T-Bird said...

Ha ha! Rube! I sound like an American carny al la Carnivale!

I meant tube. Sorry for the nistake.

Oh, and first peeps! FIRST!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

But Monsieur, wiz zees double entendre title posts, you are reelly zpoiling uz!

* blush simper *

I imagine you had your shaving disaster after going 'up town', as Evil Tim would've planted the DVD on the four wheel drive Borg?

Tim said...

T-Bird - I can't use the word 'groin' in a post heading! That's obscene!

Oxford Street is the skanky shopping highlight of London. It's full of HMVs, poundshops, and dodgy electrical retailers. And tourists.

I'm sure you weren't a dopey tourist, T-Bird. I classify tourists into two categories: dopey and awesome. You are awesome. Unless you did whack someone in the groin with your back, in which case you are recklessly awesome. Hey, as long as it's not my groin I don't care!

The rube!? I thought you were going all cockney on us, guv'nor!

Inexplicable Device - My little book of smutty post titles is looking a bit worn now! Surprisingly the shaving disaster was the night before going up town! And if I really did unleash Evil Tim, he'd probably have wedged something on her control panel so her chair got stuck on full power - a bit like the old woman on the stair lift in Gremlins.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

That is my favourite scene! I love it when the old bat crashes through the window at the top of the stairs.

I want a stair-lift like that when I'm old! Only I wouldn't have glass in the window. And I'd have a swimming pool or tramampoline outside.

Tim said...

That would've been SO AWESOME if she'd had a trampoline AND a swimming pool outside. And it would cut to all the Gremlins watching her bouncing then splashing, and we'd only know it was happening because their eyes would be following her arc. Then they'd laugh like only Gremlins can, and we'd laugh right along with them.

Good times!