Sunday, February 25, 2007

It always comes back to monkeys

There's something a bit fascinating about monkeys, isn't there? They're so much like us, yet they're not limited by social niceties and will quite happily fling poo around like there's no tomorrow. To be honest, though, once a monkey gets above a certain size I think they're a bit threatening. The little ones - like the one in Friends and the disease-spreading one in Outbreak - are awesome. The big ones are scary because they could break you, and then throw poo at you.

Lovely Janice at work was telling me the other day that when she was a kid there was a guy in Shepherds Bush market who had a monkey and you could pay to have your photo taken with him (the monkey, not the dude). But he's no longer there now. She theorised that the monkey, or the dude, possibly died, but I think it's more likely the monkey was found to not be paying his tax and national insurance and was sent to prison. Or deported for being a filthy asylum seeker.

Recently (and I say 'recently', but I actually mean 'about a year or so ago') London Zoo opened a monkey enclosure where you can walk through and, erm, touch the monkeys, so to speak. Part of me likes the idea of this, because monkeys are cool. Part of me fears the monkeys, however, because I've seen camcorder footage of what happens when cars drive through safari parks and all the wild animals rip bits off them. What's a giraffe going to do with a wing mirror, I ask you?

Anyway, part of me is scared that the monkeys in this special enclosure might be a bit chavvy and while one distracts you with a display of utter cuteness there's another one stealing your wallet and car keys. And when you confront them about it they'd do that thing where they bare their teeth at you and screech. I don't like the idea of that.

Last night I was discussing this with someone who shall remain nameless, and I happened to mention that "monkeys are very unpredictable." My unnamed companion (a phrase that makes me sound like I'm Doctor Who) pondered this for a moment, then looked me straight in the eye and said "Monkeys may be unpredictable, but then so are people." Which is an incredibly profound statement.

On the other hand, the chances of a person whipping down their nappy and hoofing poo at you are, I think, pretty slim, but I will admit that I am currently rethinking my monkey unpredictability scale.

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Crumbs I was feeling energetic this morning. I got up, and literally went straight out for a run. Which in hindsight was a little bit stupid because I always find it a little bit difficult running in the morning, and today turned out to be no different. So it turned into more of a walk-run-walk. On the plus side, I finally got round to posting the letter that informs my gym that I'm leaving it. Which I'm hoping is the right thing to do; hell, I haven't been there in two months and I've not descended into obesity just yet…

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Book update. I'll be brutally honest, things have levelled off a bit in the writing department. Why? I can't really say, to be honest. As I said in a previous post, the initial idea to write 1000 words a day has pretty much flown out the window, and the grand total now stands at around the 16,500 mark. Part of me thinks I should take a little break, and actually rewrite the first half before throwing myself into the second half. I'm beginning to think that there are some bits that I want to move around anyway, so that might help me in the long run.

On the plus side, I did write the very last scene yesterday which I'm quite pleased with. I've just got to write the however-many thousand words that come between what I've just written and that last scene now… I really must engage my brain.

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Finally: why, why WHY do people keep finding my blog by googling phrases such as 'Katee Sachoff boobs', and 'Katee Sachoff nipples'? I wrote one post about Katee Sachoff about six months ago that I'm sure didn't mention the words boobs or nipples. Leave the poor girl alone you perverts!

18 comments:

iPandah said...

I share your fear/interest in monkeys. My main paranoia is that I'm convinced they can speak. I've seen them at Chester Zoo, whispering in each other's ears, conspiring against us. Many have laughed at me for daring to think this, but I've seen Planet of the Apes, and I'm not willing to risk it.

Tim said...

Maybe we should throw Charlton Heston to them as a peace offering?

iPandah said...

Sounds like a plan. We could probably work it into your election campaign somehow, after all, we want the apes on our side, just in case.

I've just remembered who Katee Sachoff is (I thought the name sounded familiar), which is slightly freaky as I've just been blogging about BG. Am I the victim of a Vulcan mind meld......course it could just be coincidence....

Tim said...

We definitely want the apes on side, that's a very good point. I'd promise them minimum wage for their tourist-enticing activities as well as ol' Charlton. And all the bananas they can eat. I reckon we'd be well in with the monkeys then.

Have those damn Vulcans been removing your memories? Erasing Battlestar Galactica from your mind just because it's more critically acclaimed than Enterprise was? Tsk! Pointy-eared pests! Whack them with an ahn-woon!*




*and that's a reference testing all the uber-geeks in the audience…

skillz said...

"On the other hand, the chances of a person whipping down their nappy and hoofing poo at you are, I think, pretty slim"

Three words Timbo:

London. Night. Bus.

Tim said...

Ha ha ha! And that's the reason why I drive everywhere!

T-Bird said...

This was the funniest post! Monkeys, poo and nipples. You scored on all fronts on the 'Miss T Laff 'o metre (tm)'.

I actually have a real love of monkeys, especially the big ones. They are like us, but without our big brains that allow us to talk and ruin the environment.

I love watching them figure stuff out. Like getting honey out of a rock with sticks. I wasn't prepared for them to poo everywhere like they did, though. I thought they were smart enough to make a poo corner, or something, rather than just drop one where they were sitting.

Yuck.

Tim said...

T-Bird - Blimey, monkeys are funny, aren't they? And poo is funny. Throw the two together - literally - and you've got comedy gold. Gold I tells ya!

Did you see that thing about monkeys using spears to hunt? I bet it was just some eager documentary maker giving them spears, then recording it. The monkey's probably just looking at it thinking what the hell is this bit of wood and why am I holding it? It's bunging up my poo-flinging hand.

Dinah said...

Poo. I've now read it so many times the world has lost all meaning.

Poo.

Tara said...

I kept checking your blog to see if you've posted a new, entertaining post since Thursday, and the moment I don't check, you've posted something else and I'm behind in the race. You're an enigma, Tim. But that's a good thing. It keeps your readers on their toes. ;)

Anyway, the only way I would be able to start off running in the morning is if I slept in my sneakers and gym gear. I haven't been to the actual gym since the beginning of snow, but I have been exercising without the gym.

Oh and don't think about your goal of writing so many words a day. Give yourself a little break and when an idea comes to you, then write it down on something. Even your arm. Whatever it takes, and then retype it when you get home.

Tim said...

Dinah - It's such a great word, isn't it? Poo. Poo. Poopy.

I could go on ALL DAY. And sometimes I do.

Tara -Sorry, I'm being quite erratic with my posting at the moment! An 'entertaining post?' Well… It was a post, I'll say that much about it!!

I find it really difficult to run in the morning; in fact, the later in the day it is the better. If I'd've done the Run London Nike night run a few years back I reckon I would've breezed it. Why do all the runs I want to do have to be at 10 in the morning? Bah!

Wise words about the writing, wise words indeed. I've taken a little break because I wasn't able to do any yesterday (for reasons that will become apparent later), and I won't do any today (because The OC is on, and everything stops for The OC), so I'll get back to it tomorrow, I reckon.

How about if I write it on a stranger's arm? Or face? And then scream at them "COME WITH ME! IT'S OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!!" I'd be like crazy ol' Doc Brown in Back to the Future!

T-Bird said...

Tim is an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a piece of ham and flung by a monkey.

Tim said...

Couldn't I be wrapped in a wafer-thin deli-style slice of chicken breast meat?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* uber geek arrives dodging blunt clubby end and sharp axe-like end of ahn-woon *

You realise that you'll get even more visits from pervs after Katee's nipular areas now?

And, did you know Marcel and Disease-carrying-monkey-from-Outbreak are one and the same?

skillz said...

...and that nipular area and Marcel are both references from Friends?

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - you were the one and only person to rise to my nerd-challenge... and failed. The ahn-woon is a leather strap-type weapon; the clubby axe thing is the lirpa. Back to Starfleet Academy to brush up on you obscure ancient Vulcan weapons!

I did realise in hindsight that I've literally just opened the floodgates for more Katee-stalking perverts, but it's the price I have to pay for a cheap joke.

Marcel and the filthy Outbreak monkey are one and the same!? Gosh! Next thing I know you'll be telling me it's actually a midg- little person!

Skillz - You're clearly watching too much Friends!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* hangs head in shame while flailing self with proper ahn-woon *

I knew I should've double checked with Memory Alpha...

Tim said...

You'd be rubbish if I asked you to be my champion at the Koon-ut-kal-if-fee!