Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Pests

My nemesis reared his particularly ugly arseface today for the first time in ages. Annoyingly, I'm pretty sure that he thinks we're actually friends on some sort of level - rather like Batman and the Joker; neither can really exist without the other. Trust me - I can.

(I don't want to specify which I would be, because although I'm younger, buffer, have more "wonderful toys," and occasionally drawn to periods of quiet, inward contemplation, the Joker does tend to be lot funnier, and I like to think I'm at least reasonably amusing, and would look pretty hot in a purple suit with green hair...)

Anyway, up he pops like a turd that won't flush trying to be all superior sounding and witty, when all he's actually doing is getting on my tits and making me yawn. A while back he even made the suggestion that we should meet up for a drink. I haven't laughed so hard in ages (maybe he is witty?). I declined, once I'd caught my breath; after all, I'd only have wanted to taint his beverage with Smilex.

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Pest the second also collared me today. This pest, while at least not as overpoweringly annoying as my Nemesis (probably ranking at around Riddler level on our sliding Bat-scale), has the remarkable ability to take a subject you like - hell, maybe even love! - and transform it into something you really, REALLY, don't ever want to talk about again. Ever.

During today's conversation I actually sat there, bottom jaw hanging way down and with a really stupid, openly spacker-tastic expression on my face and yet HE INSISTED ON CONTINUING TO TALK TO ME. Good grief, it's lucky there weren't any sharp objects within easy reach; my dilemma then would've been between murder or suicide...

9 comments:

Miss T said...

ABORT him!!

First!!!

Mwaahahahahahaha!!

Tim said...

WHICH ONE?!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Both!

At least you've got them both out of the way with now. Hopefully the rest of the week will be pest free!

If this infestation reoccurs and you don't have any smilex to hand, try strangling them with a pair of red (or black) skinny fit jeans...

missy&chrissy said...

i hope you fancy yourself as 1960's adam west batman instead of the modern day one, as then "pow!", "kaboom!" and "blam!" can pop up on the screen while you pummel your nemesis.

(i enjoy the old tv series entirely too much...)

Dinah said...

ooh, yeah! wasn't there an earlier convo about speech balloons?

That would be awesome. ALmost as good as having a theme song.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Now I want a theme song. It'd be great to have one blaring out when one walks into a crowded room!

Speech balloons would be good too - for the hard of hearing - but not think bubbles. No, definitely not think bubbles...

Dora and Tina said...

Oooooo....abort both their collective arse. People like that need a boot to the head....they just don't get it!

Hmmmm a theme song, eh? Well mine might have to be the theme from the godfather going by what is happening in my life at the moment....

GET THE CLAMPS!!!!

Miss T said...

Da nanananananananananananana

TIM TAM, TIM TAM, TIM TAM!!!!

Umm, Clamps is here, whaddaya want?

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Today has been remarkably pest free! Maybe the threat of smilex/strangling by denim was enough to warn then beasties away?

Missy & Chrissy - Sorry, I never was a big fan of the 1960s Batman - it was all about the '89 Batman movie for me!! That said, I do think Adam West is great in Family Guy - some of his policies make far more sense than those of London's current mayor!

Dinah - Maybe I should make up a series of large cardboard speech bubbles that say things like "f**k off" and "Arseface" that I could just hold up against the side of my head to warn off pests?

Inexplicable Device - I want a theme tune too. Been trying to think of one for ages! And the speech bubble thing would be doubly funny if I used thought bubbles...

Dora - Can you imagine if I interrupted them mid-conversation and just said something like "so, look, it's really not working out. There's definitely something not quite right with you and ... well, I think we're going to have to have an abortion."

That would be awesome.

Miss T - Hand me the clamps ... and pass the forceps...!