Fly-swatter

I've got a theory that we need to have a certain number of despicable people in our lives, people who are universally hated by our circle of friends, but who you can't shake out of your life - like dog poopy stuck on your shoe. And I think there's a good reason you can't get rid of these people – because if you did, you and your friends would end up turning on each other (and by 'turning on each other' I mean 'turning against one another,' rather than arousing each other). Case in point is my Nemesis, who is without doubt the most loathsome human being I've ever encountered, and remains to this day a lurker on the periphery of my life. But in a way I've come to think that's a good thing, because he is something to channel all my bad energies toward - a receptacle for hate, if you will (at least that's how I'm justifying his existence). Another plus point about having a nemesis is that they actually make you a better person by highlighting specific character flaws that you can then strive to avoid. My Nemesis is a knowitall; I find that trait undesirable, and so strive not to be a knowitall, thus becoming a better person in the process (I hope).

He's also an arse, but I digress.

Unfortunately, I have recently found myself in a position where I am in contact with an individual who appears able to annoy me merely by being in close proximity, in a way that could possibly only compare to Robbie Williams singing 'I know a song that will get on your nerves' over and over and over while standing about 30 centimetres away from my face. It's the sort of thing that makes me want to reach for the Stewie Griffin soundboard and fire off a few well-timed "SILENCES!" or even a "WHAT ABOUT SHUTTING THE HELL UP?"

(Although there's always the possibility I could be swayed over to the Homer Simpson soundboard. Ooo - erotic cake…)

I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character; I think I generally know when people are genuinely being nice, or if they just appear nice because they want something from me. Unfortunately, I also know when I really don't like someone. OK, I know it's really not nice to turn round and just blurt out that you don't like someone, but I've learnt from experience that you can't be everyone's friend, and sometimes you just need to step back from the people you don't like, and put some distance between you and them for the good of *everyone*. Unfortunately, said individual seems to want to ingratiate themself upon me, and takes every opportunity to try and be my friend when really it would be better for everyone if they just left me alone.

To be honest, this isn't another nemesis situation - I view this person as more of a fly that I could twat out of the sky. But I like to think that it would be easier if I could direct the fly out of the metaphorical door so that it can fly away, rather than battering it into oblivion with a rolled-up newspaper.

Don't get me wrong though; I have a newspaper rolled and ready, baby.

Um, rawr!