I'm a coke fiend

Yes, you read that right - I am a coke fiend.

And by that I mean I've been taste-testing the latest vile varieties of cola-based beverages, just so you don't have to.

I'm nice like that, y'see.

First up: Pepsi Max-Cino!

(And for fans of The OC, no it's not a cola-based beverage from the wrong side of the tracks who is taken in by a wealthy family)

This intricately-named drink is actually a coffee-flavoured sugar free cola-based beverage. Ooo, doesn't that sound just... well, delicious!

Think again, buster. Pepsi Max-Dirt would be more relevant. I had to buy a six-pack of this 'cos they didn't have singles, so I think I'm well-placed to say that cans 1-6 did not taste anything like coffee. It did, however, strip my teeth of any and all traces of plaque, thus saving me from a costly drip to the dentist. So "Hooray" to that.

On the downside, after six cans I felt a tad jittery. And a little paranoid.

Next up is Coca-Cola Lime, which comes in a stunning vibrant green bottle. GASP! How exotic!

On the downside, it tastes a bit like what I'd imagine Matey Bubble Bath tastes like.

Actually, I'd hazard a guess that Matey tastes better. And is probably better for you in the long term.

Which is a shame, because I love the advert for this ("put the lime in the coke you nut"); I did try to find it online, but all this cola-based fun has given me an extremely short attention span so, y'know, just Google it or something.

I'll be sitting in a darkened room trying to stop grinding my teeth together and coming down from a sugar-high – and no doubt looking forward to the imminent launch of Coke Blak. How ominous!