Monday, April 30, 2007


When did legs stop being the primary mode of transport?

I ask this because as I left work tonight I was almost mowed down by some middle-aged woman on one of those stupid little fold-up scooter things that were all the rage about seven years ago. She was chasing her sprog who was also on one. Well, I assume it was her sprog; it could've been a diminutive diamond thief or something equally exotic, but I'm pretty sure it was her sprog.

Anyway, between the mum on her scooter, the sprog/diamond thief, all the kids on their Heelys*, and Lindsey, I fear that the next stage in human evolution may either see everyone turn into the fatties from Judge Dredd, or our legs will wither up and drop off, and we'll all have to roam around like Stavros. Or was it Davros? I alway get confused by those peeps.

I've also noticed that there's a growing class division between the rich kids who can afford the official Heelys, and the poor kids who can't; I've seen a number of chav-sprogs sporting what I can only describe as the sort of contraption you'd attach to a dog that's had its two back legs amputated. By this I mean two grossly oversized wheels attached by a cheap plastic frame to a regular shoe (a fake Nike, for example); and as if that wasn't bad enough they've got LEDs in so they flash garishly while the frankly quite embarrassed kid wheels along in the rather microscopic hope that they'll look cool. The wheels are probably different sizes too so they end up wobbling down the road like an old drunk. And then the kids with real Heelys zip past them, tut, and spit on them.

If I was a kid and someone bought that obscenity for me when I'd asked for Heelys, I would totally dry-slap them.

Anyway, the point I'm getting at here is this: Heather Mills could totally have a wheel built into her foot next time she buys a new leg. I can just picture her sailing down the street with Paul McCartney's money fluttering in the breeze behind her.


Well, if anyone cares I pretty much finished all of that work I needed to get done over the weekend. I completely felt like I spent the entire weekend sitting at a desk - which is probably because I spent the entire weekend sitting at a desk - so I think I'm going to get out running again this week just to make me feel a little less lethargic. It might also help me forget about The OC-shaped void in my life between 9-10pm tomorrow night.

I might see if Sweatband is up for a run. She did the marathon last weekend (in the very respectable time of 4 hours and 19 minutes, I might add - kudos to Sweatband), and when I texted to ask her if she wanted to go to badminton on Friday she just called me up and said "are you having a laugh?" No question about it, I think she would've punched me out if I'd asked her to her face. Who the hell knew that running 26 miles would basically make you legs stop working for almost a week?

Maybe she should get some Heelys?

*By the way, check this out. I love the fact that it says "They save your legs and allow you to get places much quicker." Save your legs from what?! Leg eating monsters? Being dry-humped by small dogs? Screw the wheels and get some exercise! Damned kids of today!


Dora & Tina said...

Ha ha - first bitches!

Those fricken crazy fold up scooter things are dangerous - but mostly owned by asians around here - and they can't control them for shit. I have been very tempted on just push them over..i mean it can't be that hard to stick your leg out and trip them over.

It might even fold up on them!

Tim said...

I hated those fold-up scooters when they first came out years ago, and I hate them now.

If you did trip one up, hopefully it'd fold up and cut something off! Muwahahahaha!!

iPandah said...

Wheels in shoes? What will they think of next. A unicycle built in to the crotch of your trousers? I'm with you on this, unless you have no legs/feet or the ones you have don't work, WALK! In fact, having no legs is no excuse either. I've seen people with no arms use their feet to eat/paint/brush hair - so get on with it!!!

Tim said...

Yay iPandah, yay! Damn crotch-cycles!! I hate those things! *shakes fist in the air*

Now robot legs… that'd be cool! Sorta like Inspector Gadget…

fredfurd said...

Light a fart.

Tim said...

A little off topic, but what sage advice!

Thank you.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ah, I can see where fredfurd is going with that. A lighted expulsion of poo-air* will propel the issuer through the air with grace and dignity, leaving the pavements/roads free of obstruction.

* Couldn't bring myself to say 'fart'.

Eeeeep! I said it!

Tara said...

I work across the hall from a lady who has to have a motorized wheel chair to get around. She can walk, but she has some health issues that slow her down. She had a little red scooter, but I guess that wasn't working out, so she got a bigger scooter, and you can hear her coming from down the hall. The thing even beeps when backing up (the scooter beeps, not the lady). She still runs into things, though, but has yet to run me down.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Fart is such a base word, isn't it. I prefer 'emissions,' which is also quite the buzz word at the moment what with all this global warming stuff at the moment.

Tara - Careful! Those scooter things are dangerous - some old bugger almost mowed me down in one of those things while he was doing a three-point turn in Marks and Spencers. Are you even allowed to drive scooters in M&S? I don't know - but I'd wager you're not.

The idea of a beeping old lady is amusing me no end!

skillz said...

Get with the times, grandad!

Tim said...

Wha?! What did you say?!?!

How rude!

In my day you had a push bike, and that was that! Maybe a space hopper if you were lucky… (or unlucky in my case; Simon used to grab it by the horns and whack me with it. It was like Tim-pin bowling).