Monday, April 02, 2007


Thank god it's the Easter holidays. There are several reasons for this, most notably that there's less traffic on the roads, which makes my journey into work quicker, which means I get to stay in bed a tad longer - yay. There are additional benefits, however. If I'm a tad late for work, you see, I have to run the gauntlet of the school that's located near my office. And by that I mean I have to fight my way through hordes of children and their stupid, stupid parents.

I swear, the other week some woman yanked her kid by the arm, causing him to swing round and nearly head-butt me in the groin. I glared at her, as well you might imagine.

Fortunately, the road works in Chiswick haven't been holding me up too much in the last week or so, so I'm getting to work at normal time. But a new terror is lurking in the leafy back streets of Hammersmith. And I call it: Lindsay.

I first encountered Lindsay about two weeks ago, and I've faced her pretty much every morning since. First contact occurred like this:

I was strolling down the road to the office, which has a bend on it (the road, not the office). From around the bend came a reasonably attractive, if a tad chavvy, woman on a bike. She was dressed a bit like a footballer's wife, all fake orange tan, fake fur-lined coat, and so on. But as I got closer to the corner I could hear something approaching from the other side. A sort of … gutteral breathing. Did this WAG have a pitbull terrier following her at a distance?

No… it was much worse…

As I rounded the corner I found myself confronted by a small girl wearing smart school uniform, no older than about seven or eight, on a tiny, tiny bicycle, pedalling furiously, her snarly little visage, red and contorted by sheer determination as she attempted to keep up with the woman who I now assumed to be her mother. What I wasn't sure about was if the mother was trying to get away from the dimunitive pitbull, troll-like offspring trailing along behind her. What I was sure about was that the kid looked like the tennis player Lindsay Davenport.

It doesn't get any less scary as the days pass. And this is why I'm totally relieved it's the Easter holiday, because any day where I'm not confronted by Lindsay thundering towards me first thing in the morning must be a good day.


T-Bird said...

Lindsay Davenport on a little cycle? Egads!

She looks like one of the horsefaces of the apocalypse.

Although I always barracked for Lindsay over little Hingis. She was a bitch.

skillz said...

Ok, that picture scares the living crap outta me. That thing is worse than Chucky from Childsplay.. in fact, that gives me a movie idea!

And if I ever see a film where a sassy-mouth Lindsay Davenport goes around killing people on a bike, I know you'll have stolen my idea.

Tim said...

T-Bird - Indeed; Lindsay Davenport on a tiny bicycle. Scary.

I always supported the Hingis, mainly because Davenport was freakishly tall, and I had the sneaking suspicion she was concealing a penis*.

Skillz - I initially read that as Chucky from Coldplay. A 'Warning Sign' indeed.

In said film, would sassy Miss Davenport despatch people by whacking them with her balls*?

*man joke number one…
**…And man joke number two.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Of course, the downside is that all the little Lindsay's are belting around at lunchtime , just when one wants to escape the office for a bit.

Little bastards!

Tim said...

Oh, god, tell me about it. You should be able to get child repellent spray - ooo, Raid (child flavour).

Just spray them in the face and watch them run of crying. Oh, wait a sec - isn't that pepper spray?

Tara said...

Yeah, if I saw that thing headed my way, I'd turn right around and run for the hills. And there aren't many hills nearby, so I'd have to run for awhile. Freaky.

Tim said...

Tara - That's a lot of running!

missy&chrissy said...

we might have nightmares about that picture!

Tim said...

Imagine how I feel when confronted by it in the street!

She scares me!!