Monday, April 09, 2007

Everybody needs good neighbours

The same day I bought Sparky Towers, Sparky Ma and Pa got new neighbours. I seem to recall my first comment to them was "hi, I'm Tim and I'm moving out," which in hindsight kind of made it sound like I wasn't going to hang around because they repulsed me on some level. Which they did not, because they appeared perfectly normal.

Well, I say "appeared perfectly normal…"

Y'see, we've since discovered that they've got this horrible tendency to just latch onto you and engage you in conversation for no apparent reason. I can be getting out of my car on one of my parental visits and they'll just open the front door and just start talking to me. Or sometimes they'll just stand there smiling at you like they've just returned from a holiday to the village of the damned. OK, they generally appear quite nice and neighbourly, but they're not my neighbours and I'm not there to visit them, and they're quite difficult to shake off - rather like an elephant's pee-pee, one assumes. Now of course this doesn't bother me massively because I don't live there, but it pisses Sparky Ma off something rotten.

I'll be honest, my idea of good neighbours are the sort of people who generally keep themselves to themselves, the sort of people you can have a quick chat to if you bump into each other, but you don't really want to know their life story and family history. In that respect I'm kind of lucky with the neighbours round my way. Of course, this doesn't help Sparky Ma when she's pounced on by the neighbours as she's hauling the weekly shop out of the car, or when she's watering the garden and they lurk over the fence. She's told me that she's taken to covert measures to check the area is clear before leaving the house, like looking through the letterbox or the keyhole.

What does piss me off, though, is when I'm leaving to come home, and as I get to my car I turn to wave to Ma and the neighbours are in their front window waving goodbye to me as well. It makes me feel awkward, and it's just plain weird. Tonight was even worse: I was literally just getting in my car, Ma is saying goodbye to me, their front door opens and out filters the whole family. They stand next to Ma and start waving me off. Ma, understandably, rolls her eyes because she thinks it's really weird and she knows she's going to be stuck with them for the next half an hour and Corrie's starting in 10 minutes.

I can only think of two solutions to this problem:

• An electric cattle prod. Like training a dog, they'll soon associate any interaction with us with a sharp, shooting electrical pain to the gut.

• Next time they're waving at me from their front window I'm going to run across their front garden, mist up the window with my breath, and write "F**K OFF!" with my finger. And then make a very stern face. Grrr!


Dinah said...

Ooh, I want to see your stern face!

Tim said...

Dinah! I shall render it for you in emoticon stylee!


Actually, that makes it look like I've got a handlebar moustache…

Erm - like this!


No, wait, that's Ming the Merciless…


Kind of like that, but with the 'D' round the other way so it's not smiling. Yeah, that's my stern face!

Tara said...

That would be irritating. Knock on their door in the nude holding a bible and ask them if they've found Jesus yet.

I live in an apartment, and down in the lobby they have park benches set up. I guess it's for people who are waiting for rides or whatever. But there are two old ladies that sit there during a certain time of day, and stare at whoever walks through. It's annoying.

Tim said...

God, no, I couldn't do that - that's just an excuse for them to talk to me!! Can I swap you the chatty family for the two old ladies? What is it with old people and just sitting around, anyway? Have you tried firing tranq darts at them?