Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Nothing to be sneezed at

Well, hayfever season has started then. I know that because I spent much of yesterday pebble-dashing my computer at work.

I'd had an inkling that it'd kick in soon - it always does around this time of year - but I always live in hope that I might still outgrow it. Never happens, though. So there I was yesterday, sneezing *everywhere* and I had no piriton to banish those hayfever blues.

Fortunately my comrade in all things Star Trek did. At least that's what he claimed they were…

Half an hour after popping one of those pills, y'see, I came over all drowsy and almost fell asleep. Somehow I managed to get home and have dinner, but by six o'clock I could think of nothing more than throwing myself on the bed and taking a nap. And by 'throwing myself on the bed and taking a nap' I pretty much mean standing at the end of the bed and collapsing onto it unconscious in a comedy stylee.

Two and a half hours later I wake up.

Yes, that's right. I am missing two and a half hours of my life.

Bearing in mind that I've taken piriton for over 20 years without any ill-effects, here's the question I put to my comrade in all things Star Trek this morning: was that rohypnol you plied me with, and did you date rape me?

-----

Apart from the innumerable "bless yous" proffered by colleagues yesterday before I popped a pill and was maybe violated while passed out, I was offered an altogether different kind of blessing today.

Soon after I got up this morning – well, while I was pulling my undercrackers up, to be honest – I glanced out the window and noticed a rather stern looking ginger woman putting leaflets through all the doors down the road. Now, because some previous leafleting deviant appears to have torn my 'NO JUNK MAIL' sticker off the letterbox, I initially thought about opening my bedroom window, flashing her a copious amount of ME, and waving my fist around in a comical fashion if she even tried to stick something in my slot, but then I thought I can't be arsed; I'm seriously considering just attaching a bin to the other side of the front door though.

Anyway, a few minutes later as I'm just about to leave I pick her leaflet up and give it a quick read. Seems she's organising a clothes-drive for orphans or polar bears effected by global warming or something; *whatever*, because that's beside the point. What really grabbed my attention was the tagline at the bottom, which read:

IF YOU DO THIS GOD WILL BLESS YOU IN HEAVEN

WTF?! You mean to say I've done all those charity bike rides, donated money to numerous worthy causes, and been a sweet, good-natured cheeky chappy when all I had to do was stuff some old clothes in a bin bag and shove 'em on the street in order to get to Heaven? Awww, crap!

If anyone wants me I'll be in a gutter somewhere snorting 'piriton' off a hooker.

24 comments:

Tara said...

I woke up this morning with some hayfever/allergy thingy. I've had it for a few days this week, actually. Makes my head feel tight and that in turn makes me woozy. Then there's the sneezing crap, the scratchy throat and the coughing. Good times!

Maybe the lady who was passing around flyers was on piriton and was in some sort of sleep-walking mission. You may have been doing that too while passed out, instead of getting violated. Scary.

Tim said...

Aaaah, Tara, a far more plausible explanation than being drugged and used! Although I do hope I wasn't handing out flyers - that would be awful!

Hope your allergies clear up. I'm going piriton-free tomorrow; I'd rather sneeze than be sleepy!

skillz said...

Did you read it? I imagine God saying "bless you" would kick much more ass/arse than your workers doing the same every time you sneezed.

Tim said...

Did I read what? The leaflet? Yes, I did.

I imagine god saying bless you would be, perhaps, the most awesome thing ever. Although if Dogma is to be believed, my head would subsequently explode.

I wonder if god has the really deep booming voice we all imagine god to have, or is it more like Kenneth Williams…?

missy&chrissy said...

we suffer bad allergies over here too, so we can commiserate with you! i'm guessing piriton is similar to benadryl, since one time i took that at work and wound up falling asleep at my desk...

those allergy meds are pretty potent!

Tim said...

You're right - they are potent, which is very surprising bearing in mind how tiny they are! Next time I can't get to sleep I'm going to pop a piriton - not only will I pass out, but I'll also be allergy free!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I think I might need something to counteract the image of your 'copious amount'.

* fans self before swooning on to the bed 'unconscious in a comedy stylee' *

Tim said...

You can't swoon! There's HMTL to be tinkered with!!

(And if you start leafleting round my way I'll know what you're after, so don't get any ideas!!)

T-Bird said...

The only time I have had massive hay fever was in the UK. It sucked.

How can your eyes get so ITCHY!

Gah!

Well, so long as you are snorting that piriton off said hooker's arse, you get my saucy seal of approval.

T-Bird said...

Pee Ess: IDV where on earth did you learn to flirt so outrageously? And how can I learn to do that?

Surely there must be some beginner guide for hags who want to score more betterer.

Tim said...

T-Bird! You're back!!

I've gone cold turkey on the piriton, and aside from a massive sneezing fit this morning everything's gravy.

Funny, years ago I went to the countryside where you'd think hayfever would get worse; it didn't, which kinda makes me think city-based pollution is the main culprit!

Tim said...

He is a flirtatious thang, ain't he?

No shame!

T-Bird said...

Yes, he is! I wish to learn at the knee of the master. He just has such a way with flattery, but isn't like a deviant when he does it.

Just remember, God will bless us in heaven.

Tim said...

Unlike me who just comes across like a saucy pervert.

I'm going to hell!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Heavens! Moi? Good at flirting? I thought I was just being blatant?!

And, Timothy, you do leave yourself wide open for it sometimes * ahem * . One might almost think you're encouraging me... See you all in Hell, then!

OK: A little eyelash batting, coquettish giggling and fannage works wonders!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Lawks! I haven't even been drinking yet, either!

* gathers up leaflets *

Tim said...

*Gasp!*

Do I?

That's what happens after you work with Glittering Lee for a couple of years...

Drunken leafleting? Good grief, there'll be leaflets *everywhere*.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

::says with a raised eyebrow:: Everywhere? Oh, Tim, Tim, Tim...

See. How could I resist?

Hooray for working with Lee!

Tim said...

Really? Gosh, I never noticed...

Ohmygod I just realised what you did there with my *everywhere* comment!!!

Oh, I don't work with Lee any more. It was about seven years ago!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Perhaps I should've said 'Hooray for having worked with Lee'? Seven year itch, eh? I bet you were subjected to some serious flirting when you two were (working) together!

I'm sorry about all the above. It was the Host commenting, not me, IDV.
Honestly! Give him an inch and he cries out for another six!

* barge *

Out of the way you!

I, the Host, just want to say: Don't ever close!

And WV is apparently a reincarnated Star Wars character: iyoda

Tim said...

I seem to recall that Lee was very well behaved, possibly because I was so young and perplexed looking. I was more like a young sibling or a yappy dog to him than something to be flirty with.

He is in my top five favourite people to work with list. Not that I have such a list, but if I did he'd be on it.

What am I closing? And why was it open in the first place?

iyoda? Is this a new Apple product? Listening to the music I am. Dancing to the beat I will!

T-Bird said...

Basically Tim, you say saucy stuff and IDV writes what I am thinking - albeit in a much less pervy manner!

It's like saucy ping pong!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ooh, sauce!

Tim said...

T-Bird - Moi? Really? Gosh, I didn't *think* I did…

I like the idea of saucy ping pong!

Inexplicable Device - Apparently Heinz ketchup counts as one of your five portions a day!