Wednesday, March 07, 2007


Do you ever step out the door and feel like you're in The Truman Show or something? I had that today, although fortunately I wasn't stopping every passerby to say "Good morning - and if I don't see you later, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!"

God, sometimes I could punch Jim Carrey. And by 'sometimes' I actually mean 'all the time.'

Anyway, I walked out of the office at lunchtime, and decided to take a detour to a) enjoy the nice weather, and b) avoid our overly-chatty postman (who seems to think he's my new best friend and stays in the office for about 20 minutes each day despite my repeated attempts to at least look like I'm working). Straight away, however, I was confronted by what looked to be Patty the daytime hooker - the aged prostitute from My Name is Earl.

She looked virtually identical; a short off-white furry coat (I'm assuming it was once pure white), a VERY short skirt, holey tights, and cheap-looking, faux-PVC hooker shoes. The one exception was her hair, which was piled up on top of her head in a pineapple stylee, rather like the lead singer of M People in the mid-90s. And she was standing there, outside someone's house, chatting to her equally rough looking mate while tugging her tights up and almost flashing her lady parts in the process. Opposite a freakin' primary school, I should add in an outraged fashion!

What was incredibly disturbing, however, was that while she was chatting to her protégée and hoisting up her sagging fishnets, she was staring at me. Constantly. And that made me a bit nervous. Did I have some chocolate smeared on my face? Or, more worryingly, was she looking at me as a likely candidate? Ugh… in the words of Stewie from Family Guy, I bet it'd be like throwing a cocktail weiner down a corridor.

Anyway, I evaded Patty the daytime hooker and continued on my way to Hammersmith. Minutes later I passed some dude about my age who was wearing a massive winter coat fully done up and with his hood up. And this is where I expand upon my earlier comment that today was a lovely day, with glorious sunshine and a mild breeze. I know Hammersmith is renowned for it's more than fair share of crazies, but today took the biscuit and smeared chocolate over its face. About the only nutter I didn't see was the alarmed looking crazy afro lady who always asks me for cigarettes and looks like she's about to cry when I say no.

Anyone else encounter any notable crazies in the course of their day?


In other news, Channel 4 have revealed that they're going to make a 'rubbish reality TV show.' Funny, I thought they already did


skillz said...

I think I might be a crazy, people always walk past me and smirk and I REALLY don't like it.

Dinah said...

Aw, no love for Eternal Sunshine? I love that movie.

Tara said...

"About the only nutter I didn't see was the alarmed looking crazy afro lady"

It was probably her day off.

Thank you for saying you'd like to knock out Jim Carrey. I'm not a fan, but I liked "Bruce Almighty" and "Eternal Sunshine" (only because he's cute when he's acting in a serious movie).

No weirdos in my area, though. Everyone was too cold to be weird.

Tim said...

Skillz -I know what you mean; I'm definitely not paranoid, but i'm sure people look at me.

Dinah - Um, d'ya know, I've not actually seen it! Which is funny, because I wanted to, despite Carrey; I simply never got round to it!

Tara - Crazy afro lady certainly deserves a day off. God knows she's out and about most days!

I didn't mind Bruce Almighty, but Jim Carrey sorta peeked for me around The Mask. That was a good film!

Do the weirdos come out in the spring? Like newborn lambs!

T-Bird said...

Was Eternal Sunshine a Kaufman egowankfest? I can't quite appreciate his movies.

You should completely avoid the street that the daytime hooker lives on. She's probably on the look out for you now... ready to kidnap you and hide you in her attic.

Tim said...

T-Bird - I can't avoid the road where the daytime hooker hangs out - it's the road where my office is located!


Maybe I should look for some hooker-repelent at lunchtime…

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Was Daytime Hooker staring at you in a lascivious way, or a £-in-the-eyes way? If it was lascivious, she fancied you!

Eeww! A hooker has undressed you with her eyes.

As for notable crazy encounters: I looked in the mirror a couple of times...

iPandah said...

Why don't Channel 4 just film homeless people? They eat out of bins all the time, it'd save C4 a fortune, which they could then give to the homeless people. Or me.

T-Bird said...

Hooker repellent? I think the only thing that will work is a big pacard around your neck proclaiming bankruptcy and impotence.

Or you could just give in and rock out down the road with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel, or even better, Private Dancer by Tina Turner, followed by What's Love Got To Do With It?.

She'd be your pretty ugly woman for life then!

T-Bird said...

placard, not pacard.

skillz said...

The bald dude from star trek?

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - I think her stare was more like the way a butcher looks at a fresh side of beef. However nice the cut is, it's still work.

She undressed me with her eyes? Shit! she should pay me!

iPandah - Or could they not just have some dead air? I mean, really, I'm about done with reality shows. A nice test card would be just awesome.

T-Bird - She'd never believe bankruptcy and impotence from a well-dressed hunk like me. Maybe I could just spray Pretty Ugly Woman with air freshner or something. Or maybe I could take her under my wing and be her pimp! I've been on the lookout for new business opportunities!

A pacard?

Skillz - Captain Pacard? Yay - we've finally broken Skillz into making Star Trek references! Maybe I could hit the hooker with my Picard pacard placard?

Dinah said...

I would totally watch a show called "Daytime Hooker"

Tim said...

Dinah - I totally would too! I'm picturing a cheesy eighties opening credits sequence, a bit like Dynasty, but on dirty council estates.

It could be the best show evah!

skillz said...

Sorry Tim, but my Star Trek knowledge is about as good as Mayor Quimby's...

Leonard Nimoy is the grandmaster of the monorail unveiling:

Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5. [crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Tim said...

And yet your Simpsons knowledge is unparalleled!

The sheer fact that you can quote something spoken by Leonard Nimoy is, in this instance, enough!