Sunday, March 11, 2007

I've been biomechanically assessed

After weeks and weeks of incessant bitching about gammy knees, funny ankles, and manky old trainers, I decided today that SOMETHING needed to be done about it. And so SOMETHING was done.

I went to Sweatshop; no, not a confined wooden hut where I force children to stitch expensive training shoes for 12p a day, but rather one of the best sports shops I have ever found.

You see, in Sweatshop they actually know what they are talking about rather than you picking a pair of trainers and some monkey-boi going and getting them from the stock room, chucking them at you, and leaving you to lace them up yourself.

So I wandered in, and started eye-ing up the running shoes. I'd already decided that I would not be seduced by their gaudy colours and slick appearance; no, I'd decided that I was going to allow the shop assistant to guide me toward the right pair, regardless of flash looks and style-icon status. If they looked like turds but felt like clouds I'd have them. I was soon approached by a young lady.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Why yes," I replied. "I'm looking to buy a pair of running shoes. The pair I'm using at the moment are minging, and they've buggered up my knee. I don't want to be seduced by swish design - would you be able to guide me toward the best pair of trainers evah?"

"Yes. But before we start looking at shoes, what I'd like to do is subject you to a biomechanical assessment that will help me determine the right pair of trainers for you. Is that OK?"

"Um yes," I replied, and despite feeling a little awkward at having such an important assessment in the middle of a shop, I thought that she clearly knew best. I started undoing my trousers.

"You, er, don't have to do that," she said. "Just your shoes and socks. And roll your trousers up."


Seconds later she was looking at my nekkid feet, and making me turn in different directions and bend my knees.

"Are you aware of the term pronator? Do you know you're a pronator?"

"Well, I only talk a lot if I've got something on my mind, or a problem that I need to get off my chest-"

"No, not a procrastinator. Pronator. It means that one of your feet rolls a bit when you walk or run. Your left one rolls, and you probably compensate by putting more weight on your right leg which is why you knee hurts. Have you ever injured your left foot."

"Yes," I eagerly replied, and then went on to tell her about how my left foot had slipped off the front of the sled when I'd been tobogganing down Box Hill about 20 years ago and how I'd been sure I'd broken it, but the hospital x-ray department had been shut at the weekend so they just put a strappy tube-thing on it and sent me on my way and it'd clicked ever since.


Anyway, after my biomechanical assessment the lady went off to select some trainers.

"Are you OK with those socks?" She asked, pointing at my socks.

"Um, yeeeeeah…" I said, wondering if she was a) offering to swap them for a newer pair, or b) dissing my socks and suggesting that they might contaminate the shoes.

I tried some Nikes, some Asics, and some Brooks that were too big. With each pair she made me run down the little jogging track they have in the shop; admittedly this made me feel like a bit of a special, but it was for my own good so I just shut up and run.

Eventually it came to making a decision. The Nikes or the Asics. Hmmm…

"Why don't you put a Nike on one foot and an Asic on the other and hop on the treadmill," said the assistant.

"How exciting," I replied. So I popped odd shoes on, and got on the treadmill. It was then that I realised that not only was I wearing odd shoes, but I also still had my jeans rolled up to the knee. And the treadmill was positioned in the shop window. So I looked like a special who'd invaded a window display. A hot special, admittedly. Anyway, that aside, I eventually plumped for the Asics. They're very comfortable and rather light, and I'm looking forward to trying them out. With these new uber-trainers I'll be back pounding the streets, fighting crime, and breaking hearts before you know it!


iPandah said...

I like these trainers, there's something very BSG about them. What a great shop too! When I buy trainers, it's enough if the assistants can get over the fact that I'm a girl with size 9 feet. Pah! I think I'm going to stay on your blog and hide for a while if that's okay, I've started a CO2 war and people are gunning for me. I'm too scared to post anything else on mine til the furore dies down :0(

T-Bird said...

Oooh! I'm going over for a gander at iPandah's next!

Those shoes are incredibly cool. It makes me wish I could run like a real person, not a puppet from Team America.

Tim said...

ipandah - Whoa! You're right - I liked my trainers before, but now you've said that they look Battlestar Galactica-y I like them even more!

They're frakkin' awesome!

Uh-oh, are things kicking off on your blog? It's just rude to be having a go at a little ipandah like you. Look, here's what I'll do - I'm just going to respond to T-Bird, then I'm going to head over to yours and try to diffuse the situation with my charm and sexy feet.

T-Bird! I love my new trainers. I wore them around the house this afternoon and they're very comfy. I now need to think about getting some proper man-shoes. I was qute tempted by a pair of black pointy shoes the other day, which is weird because I haven't been a fan of the pointy shoe thus far.

I'll see you over at ipandah's!

Dora said...

Ooooo crime fighting shoes....again with the oooooo

real pretty shoes.

Tim said...

Thanks Dora - they're shiny (in the literal and 'Firefly' sense of the word!)

Tara said...

Why, you...Pronator you! Those shoes look great! How do they feel?

Maybe the people passing by the window thought you were a mannequin set up on their treadmill to show people how things are done. A biomechanically assessed mannequin.

skillz said...

Nice shoes! Though it's a shame they don't have wheels built into the heels.

T-Bird said...

Dude! You pronate in public! Eeeew! Get a nappy like that NASA chick!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

This sounds suspiciously like how the Borg got started. First you're subjected to a biomechanical assessment and before you know it you're plunging your assimilation tubules into your mum's neck to obtain the perfect roast recipe.

New shoes aren't on the wrong feet in that pic, are they...?

Tim said...

Tara - Thanks, they certainly feel comfortable wearing them around the house like slippers! Actually, I'm literally about to head out the door now for the first trial run. Fingers crossed they are nothing less than awesome...

Skillz - I think heelies or whatever the hell they're called violate the rules of the 10k, so it's probably best I steer clear of them!

T-Bird - I damn well do and there's nothing - NOTHING - anyone can do about it!!

Inexplicable Device - It does, doesn't it. How exciting! I could be Locutus the First. Resistance is futile. And awesome. You will be assimilated. You culture will be adapted to service us. Do you make a good cup of tea?

Um, they're on the right feet as far as I'm aware. Are you suggesting I have spacker-feet?

iPandah said...

I like the idea of 'TIMborg: The Rise of Mayor Leng', it sounds like a wickedace film. TIMborg 2 would sound like that place they always talk about in the Mr Men books though, so perhaps stick to prequels rather than sequels.

Thanks for diffusing the situation on my blog. I made the mistake of commenting on AsH's and then loads of people ranted on saying thay wanted to 'shut iPandah up', or something. Scary. Hated by teenagers, I must be getting old :0(

Tim said...

Ooo, a political campaign and a major action blockbuster! I'm like the new Arnie! But… better…

No probs with diffusing the situation in the great C02 debate; I'd like to try hostage negotiation next if anyone's willing to get themself in a, um, hostage situation…!

Tim said...

And those teens are probably all frikkin' emos. Grrr!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

No, they just look... the wrong way around.

Perhaps it's my spacker-eyes?

Ryan said...

I've never been a foot fetishist, but your feet are so hott.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Oh. My. God. I've got spacker feet. I've. Got. SPACKER. FEET.

Ryan - I've got hott spacker feet? Well, that's something, I suppose! Erm, thanks! But you can't have them because I kinda need them.

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