Thursday, March 22, 2007

Snow joke

Right, this is getting silly. It snowed on me AGAIN today. As I left the house it was a bit sleety, and then over the next hour or so it turned into proper snow. But to make it even worse, it didn't settle; it just hit the ground and melted. If it had settled that would've been cool, because I could've made a snowman, or rolled around on the floor in it. Or thrown a snowball at the brat-kids who barge past me on their way to school every morning as I head towards the office.

Damn brat-kids…!

Anyway, so it didn't settle. It just flew up my nose and in my eyes so I ended up blinking like a special.

What's most annoying though, is that I really feel like some angry deity is getting me back for some wrong-doing. I wear warm, wintry clothes, it's sunny; I wear thinner, more spring-like clothes, it friggin' snows. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I feel like I'm nature's Ken doll, packaged with all the wrong seasonal accessories. No doubt they come separately.

(And if anyone makes a joke about me having a curvaceously-smooth groin like Ken I will shake my fist at you like a comedy villain and go "grrrr!")

And do you know what irks me even more?! When it was sunny the other week, they blamed it on global warming. "No," I shouted at the TV. "It's frikkin' spring!" And now it's snowy again, guess what? Yes. GOD. DAMNED. GLOBAL. WARMING. AGAIN.


I've been feeling a tad mischievous the last couple of days. The thing is, I'm kind of alone in the office (aside from Planky), because my sidekick in all things Trekkie has buggered off on holiday so there's no one to unleash my mischief upon. Well, except for this freelancer who is in doing … something … but I really don't think it's appropriate to flick elastic bands at him or give him a wedgie. Or is it? Hmmm…

That said, I am spending a significant amount of my mornings evading the postman. The one that delivers our mail is really chatty in a kind of sinister I'd-be-reaching-for-my-pepper-spray-if-I-had-some kind of way. He just comes in and hangs around like I'm going to kick back and chat with him for an hour or two. So I've taken to hiding behind the photocopier or picking up the phone and pretending to talk to someone. And you just know that one day the bastard's going to ring and I'll look like a right tit.

That said, it's not all been barely-restrained mischief and postman evasion. Oh no. My lovely friend Lorna emailed me the other day to complain that the people in her office just talk about boring things like shoes; when Lorna and I used to work together our office was filled with hilarity and smut, and she was hoping that I could rekindle those good times via an email. My smut-filter may've been underused recently, but I eventually gave her one.


Ooo, ooo, ooo! Excitemondo Fonzy!! The Rolling Stones are touring AGAIN! And this time they're performing at the old Millennium Dome, which is now called the O2 or something equally inane. For those that don't know, the Millennium Dome was this huge … thing in London that opened in the year 2000, and was full of lots of 'interesting' things. It stayed open for just one year, and it was by all accounts a huge shitty failure. I can't possibly comment, because I never went. But it did look like a huge shitty failure. Did anyone go? If you did, leave a comment - especially if it was shitty because then I won't feel bad about not having gone.

Anyway, the dome has stood empty since 2001 at huge expense to the poor British taxpayer bcause we like nothing more than to pay for huge, empty, shitty failures that the government tells us are going to be the greatest thing since Prime Minister's question time and paying taxes. I'd always harboured a hope that they'd turn it into a huge Star Trek exhibition, because quite frankly I always thought it looked like the crashed Enterprise saucer section from Star Trek Generations.

So yes, The Rolling Stones are going to play there in the summer. The thing is, no bugger appears to want to go with me. No one. Bastards. But I'm not going to let that stop me - I'll go alone if I have to!* And maybe, just maybe, I'll see if I can ransack some of that advanced 24th century technology that Starfleet left behind…

*Or will I buy two tickets and beg someone to go with me if I promise to give them the spare ticket at a discounted price as the day looms...?


Tara said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who dodges the uninvited chatters by hiding or picking up the phone. There was a guy who worked in another department but also worked for us. He'd come by but only to chat, and he was a long chatter and would never leave. If I heard him coming, I'd either hide behind the door or I'd hop on the phone and actually dialed my voicemail number so I was actually on the phone so the receptionist wouldn't call me.

Tim said...

Ha ha ha! Tara, I should totally call my mobile from the office phone - that way I'd look like I was REALLY important when the postie came in!!

I will also admit to having resorted to shouting upstairs "someone - please call me now!" when I see postie coming towards the office. Does that make me a bad person? Quite probably - but I have no problem sleeping at night.

Dinah said...

Tim, I think you need to write up a proposal to the city OR maybe make it a mayoral platform, because that stadium is just calling out to be a star trek exhibition centre. Brilliant idea!

Tim said...

I probably should, shouldn't I Dinah? Maybe one day I'll just go and paint the number on it for real, and project a huge 'TIM FOR MAYOR!' sign and a picture of me giving two thumbs up on the other side.

I think that's an awesome idea!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

It's so awesome that I might actually visit the damned thing.

T-Bird said...

Nice wicked mad paint skills on the last photo there, Tim!

I say get the tickets and treat a family member.

Oh, and snow sucks. You never think about the sleety side of things when you are imagining snow in 35 degree heat and 30%* humidity...

* I so made up that percentage. But it's been sticky and hot lately.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - What? Visit it now? It's empty! Although I bet it would give a hella-good echo in there if you shouted reeeeeeeal loud!

T-Bird - That's not just paint skills - that's quality photoshop there. Can you see why I used to design magazine covers?

Oh, I want some heat. I'm fed up the cold. To quote Joey from Friends: "You could cut glass with my nipples."

I want warm!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

No, when you take it over in your mayoral conquest, complete with Star Trek Exhibition, "quality photoshop"ped registration number and projected pic of you with your thumbs up.

Then, in 40 years, when I'm talking to the... well, my sister's grandkids (heaven forbid there should be some sort of accident where I end up a grandfather, never mind a father!), I can say: I was there when Mit got on to the first rung of galactic dictatorship.

Lawks! WV is "im foob". Well, I say WV is a foob! Grrr...

Tim said...

Ah, yes! We shall have a gala opening, and then, much to the surprise of everyone - and slightly reminiscent of 'Raise the Titanic' - I shall announce that I've found a way to launch the saucer section back into orbit, and I shall offer all the invited guests the chance to join me as I explore the Galaxy aboard the Enterprise!!


iPandah said...

I remember when your mag came out and I was skint. Now I wish I had it. Do you have back issues?

We should definitely adopt the dome as our campaign HQ. I say our, it's your campaign, but you gave me a job doing something important and Mac related so I'm stealing some recognition for myself. We can have the Talking Moose from the Mac Classic days as the door man (virtual of course). What better way to greet people than with a comedy elk shouting "It's better to be pissed off than pissed on."

Dora said...

I notice that everyone has left the Ken comment right alone.

Well I can't.

A "curvaceously-smooth groin"...not to mention butt cheeks that won't quit.

Oh Tim we're having so much fun...I just hope that you don't have a gold mesh top and hot pants like the Ken doll I know.

Or do I?


T-Bird said...

For the longest time I thought men really were built like Ken, or Stormtroopers.

It's not quite so humid now, but I bet the Greeks are sweating.

The only problem I have with 300 is the lack of body hair... talk about historically innacurate!

Oh, and snaps on the wicked bad paint skills AND photoshop skills!

Ryan said...

Dude, the O2 has got "implode me" written all over it. All you have to do is pull all the sticks out, I think.

Dinah said...

Ahhh, my Ken doll had that gold mesh top. I don't think I ever had "earring magic Ken" or whatever one they actually came out and said was gay, but really...Gold mesh top and purple shorts...I'm having flashbacks.

IDV...I'm giggling over you being a grandfather without being a father. I'm not exactly sure how that could happen, but, y'know, never say never. About time-travel, that is.

Tim said...

iPandah - Of course we have back issues! Just click the 'work' bit in the links box under me profile pic! Well, we should have back issues within the next couple of days - someone realised the other day that it hadn't been updated, but I bet it has been now!

Sterling idea on the dome front. I could rally the troops from its cavernous interior (where something warm though, dear followers, I hear it's a tad drafty within). I can't remember exactly what role I'd given you in my fledgling mayoral cabinet, but I'm definitely thinking you will be minister for Apple Macs and monkeys. If you can find a way of combining the two - even better. Maybe monkeys carrying macbooks?

I don't remember the elk, but from that description I like the cut of his gib.

Dora - Close inspection of my wardrobe reveals a lack of hotpants and mesh tops, but if it will win me votes in the mayoral election that might have to change.

Close inspection of my groin reveals nothing in common with Ken.

Dress up is fun!

T-Bird - Now what if they did a Stormtrooper Ken!? picture the advert and accompanying voice over: "Pissed off with his lack of genitalia and Barbie's refusal to put out, Ken joins the evil Empire and the hordes of dinkle-less clone troopers where, for the first time in his plastic fantastic life he gets a purpose, and a helmet to call his own!

As for the lack of 300 body hair, I suspect that's down to the fact that it's a bit of a bugger to CGI that much chest hair. Just a guess.

As for the photo-choppery - thanks! That's what 10 years in the biz does for yer!

Ryan - I don't even think you need to pull the sticks; I'm pretty sure a half-decent fart could send that thing sailing away. And then: world's biggest frisbee!

Dinah - Ken came out!? After all those years of teasing Barbie with his chiseled (literally) abs?! No doubt she turned to Action Man on the rebound, and he showed her good times in his camoflaged hovercraft. He may not have a dinkle either, but by god he's got an AK-47 and he knows how to use it!