Saturday, March 24, 2007


As I've mentioned before, I used to play Badminton a lot. And by 'a lot' I mean 'A. LOT.' Geez, I used to run the freakin' club! Every Friday… Yes, admittedly it was a bit of a killer for the social life, but there was always Saturday night to go out boogie-ing.

Anyway, recently I've been trying to get back into Badminton, for several reasons. First of all, I have indeed given up my membership to the gym in order to concentrate more on the running side of things, and I figured Badminton would make a nice exerciserly addition to my new fitness regime. Secondly, my former Badminton cohorts kept texting me and appealing for me to return. And who am I to deny them the pleasure?

(Seriously, a few well-phrased texts and I'll cave into pretty much anything. I'm *such* a push-over.)

I've been pretty consistent at going, only missing one Friday this year (last week when I went to see Sleeping Dogs.), and d'ya know what? I'm really enjoying it again. Can I use the phrase joie de vivre? Hell, yes, I can, despite the fact that I'm not entirely sure what it means!

There's still a few familiar faces from years back, which is nice because I do appreciate some consistancy in these sort of things. And steadily the old skills are returning; once again, I am becoming the badminton Jedi of West London…

It's not all perfect, though; seems that my increased focus on a bit of post-run weight-lifting has given me the ability to whack the shuttle* far further than ever before. Have you seen that bit in Superman Returns when Clark throws the baseball and his dog just turns round with a look that sort of implies "you can effin' get that yourself, matey"? It's just like that.

Which of course is a little problematic when you're trying to keep your cock in the box**. In fact, it's been leading to a fair bit of under-the-breath cursing. It's almost like I've developed tourettes. Last night I just started saying "SWEAR" or a random word like "jam jar," because I don't want a reputation as the potty-mouthed Badminton bad boy of West London.

The other problems I've got are pretty much brain freeze-related. First of all, I can't for the life of me manage to keep track of the score these days, and I'm pretty sure that I've just given some games away by my opponents (we play doubles) just saying "That's it - we've got 15," and I go "Oh, really? OK." Secondly, because we play doubles, I'm always under the misguided impression that my partner is just going to get the shot. So I've taken to muttering a number of mantras under my breath to suit specific purposes. Lasts night's favourites were "run like a cheetah!" and "scurry like a weasel!" For the most part they worked, enhancing the impression of me being the tastiest and most capable piece of real estate on the court.

The other thing that got me laughing yesterday was that one of our regulars brought her son along, who despite being only about 11 or 12, is a damn fine player. The thing is, when you serve to him, he holds both his arms out straight in front him. It's like serving to the undead.

*Note how I refrained from calling it 'the cock' purely for a cheap joke?

**Oh, I'm totally making THAT joke.


Dinah said...

Hee. You're all Justin Timberlake, with your dick in a box!

Nintendo was the worst for me with the swearing under the breath. I don't even whereI picked it up from, because my parents didn't swear, but every time Mario jumped into a hole I was like a sailor.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* gets out mobile phone *

Anything, you say?

* evil cackling *

T-Bird said...

I have to admit to a small amount of disappointment when you eluded the cock joke the first time around. Thankfully you caved, and how!

IDV, that is indeed an evil cackle!

Oh, and 'run like a cheetah' is a wonderful mantra. How about next time you play 'punish the cock out of the box' be your next inspirational mantra?

Wow. That came out way smuttier than I had even hoped!

Tim said...

Dinah - Ohmygod, I *so* am!! That's hilarious - have you seen th video of him performing it live at Madison Square Gardens? Soooooo funny. I hope he releases it as a single because I think it's better than about 80% of what's on his latest album.*

I never swore at Mario, but I've been a bit filthy-mouthed with the Xbox on occasion. Lock torpedoes, dammit!

Inexplicable Device - Famous last words! I will NOT be goaded into performing an expressive dance telling the story of the overthrow of the Russian Czar, y'hear me?!


Tim said...

Whoa! T-Bird, you just kinda slipped in there! Rest assured I will NEVER let two obvious smut-fueled jokes pass me by!!

Punish the cock out of the box? Picture it now: racquet held aloft like Prince Adam as he transforms into He-Man, shouting "I punish the cock outside of the box!"

Are you trying to get me thrown out of Badminton?

skillz said...

Oh man, I love badminton! Last time I played, we played a game where we stand about 10 yards apart and have to smack the cock at each other as hard as possible without the other person flinching. I won by virtue of a cock on cock shot.

Tim said...

And with that final, well-placed shot you retired from the sport with distinction!

Seriously, a cock-on-cock shot can be a killer - not that I've experienced such a thing, you understand, but because I've executed a fair few in my time. Shot to the groin, oh yeaaaah!

It's even better if you make a "doink" sound effect as well, just like 'Football to the groin' in that Simpsons episode.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

We'll see about that...

* blows dust and cobwebs from phone *

* beep boop beep beep BOOOOOoooooop *

Oh. It died. You're safe from the performing arts. For now...

* heh * I mean: * cackle * Oh. ohh, poop!

Tim said...

Phew! I'd long ago vowed I would never return to the stage to reprise that particular epic expressive dance!

Next: The Maccarena!

Tara said...

We used to set up a badminton net in the backyard of our old house. I too had some hidden strength, and my brother or my mom would be the ones swearing under their breath cuz they'd have to go after the birdie. It's a fun game, I like it! But I forget to score too. Same thing with tennis.