Sunday, July 15, 2007

I want you to hit me as hard as you can

Well, not really - this isn't an invite for all and sundry to just rush up and happy-slap me. No, what it is, though, is that last week I caught a bit of Fight Club on telly. I love Fight Club, even though I know I shouldn't talk about it. It's such an awesome movie, and it takes me back to my days as a bare-knuckle fighter on the wild streets of West London. Ah, those were the days – where all that stood between me and a wedgie of epic proportions at the hands of my school-age nemeses (nemesises? Who knows? Who cares?) were my winning smile and my fists of fury.

After seeing a bit of Fight Club, then, I imagine you can understand that I got a bit nostalgic. Specifically, I was thinking about the bit where Tyler Durden asks Edward Norton which celebrity he'd fight. Norton replies "William Shatner. I'd fight William Shatner." And this got me thinking about which celebrities I'd fight. Now, first of all, let me just say that I would not fight William Shatner. I know he's in his seventies, but that dude can fight - just look at all those fight scenes in Star Trek and TJ Hooker. He's got some moves that I really don't think mortal man could evade; the Shat fights dirty. Plus, he's my idol, and I don't think I could hit my idol. It would be like asking a vicar to punch Jesus.

That being the case, and in no specific order, here are 10 celebrities I would fight:

Orlando Bloom - I don't know what it is about Orlando Bloom that winds me up; quite possibly it has something to do with losing 10 f**kin' hours of my life to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Geez, those were dull movies. And what was he supposed to be anyway? A transvestite Green Arrow or something? Whatever! This probably wouldn't be a fair fight, because I get the impression that Orlando would just be waving his arms around like a little girl trying to shoo a bumblebee away, and while his little girly slaps are tickling my manly torso in a barely irritating fashion, I'd just bop him on the nose. Job done.

James Blunt - OK, so James Blunt may have been in the army, but what infantryman takes an acoustic guitar into a warzone and starts warbling "you're beautiful" to the opposing forces? A pathetic one, I'd suggest. I reckon James Blunt would have one of those heads that looks like it's a jack-in-the-box; y'know, you'd punch it, and it'd go back, then spring forward ready for another bash. And all the while he'd maintain that slightly surprised, slightly gormless look that was plastered across his face when he played the Live Earth gig, which would just make my blood boil even more so that I'd just. Keep. Hitting. Him.

Zach Effron - I caught 20 minutes of High School Musical when it was on TV at Christmas and that was enough for me to want to launch this little bastard into orbit.

Frankie Muniz - I really used to like Malcolm in the Middle, then I saw Frankie Muniz driving round in an open top Maserati sports car, and I realised that he's probably about 42 or something, and that he's probably got some sort of genetic abnormality that's stunted his growth. He also looks a bit special, and although I've got a general rule against hitting specials (it's like my version of the Prime Directive), I'll make an exception because of the whole Maserati thing. Fight tactics? Just keep pummeling his massive head until he falls over, I reckon. Then steal his car.

Justin Timberlake - This is kind of a weird one, because I actually quite like JT. Approximately 47 percent of his music is good, and he's shown a self-deprecating sense of humour with the whole 'Dick in a Box' thing. But he cried and phoned his mum when Ashton Kutcher Punk'd him, and that is not cool. What is cool, though, is him crying me a river after I slam him against a wall. Who's bringing sexyback now, bee-yatch?

Keane - Keane. What is there to say about Keane? Well, not much to be honest. Lord, I hate this band with a passion. Ugh, even the mere thought of that Mr Potato-Head they call a lead singer warbling their horrid, anemic music makes me want to hulk-out big time. I think I could easily take on all three of them at once. I mean, the drummer does bugger all, none of them have guitars they could swing at me - what's the posh one with the double-barrelled surname going to do - launch his keyboard at me? Please. I'd pick the Potato-Headed one up by his ankles and use him as a some sort of floppy, out-of-tune, top-heavy club to dispatch the other two, then … God, I really don't think I could be arsed to expend the effort. I think I'd just chuck him in a skip or something.

Tobey Maguire - OK, so Tobey Maguire is Spider-Man, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be easy to beat. First of all, 95 percent of those movies are CGI - he really can't fly through the air and do back flips like that. Second of all, I know he beefs up for the Spidey films, but I've seen pics of him with a muffin-top gut and unflattering moobs that suggests he kinda lets himself go between sequels. That being the case, I'd target Maguire in a three-month window post-filming. I'd probably walk up to him, point over his shoulder, and say something like "oh my god, they're taking Seabiscuit to the glue factory," then when he turned round to look I'd just whack him one. I think he'd go down pretty quickly, because he generally looks a bit wimpy, and he's a vegan. Experience suggests that vegans are pretty weak, and even if he did try to fight back I'd just threaten to punch a cow or something.

Jude Law - Ahhh, Jude Law. One of Britain's most talented actors. So gifted, so suave, so handsome. *BAM!* Well, two out of three's not bad. I'd probably not put much effort into going all Fight Club on Jude Law, because I don't think he could really take a beating. So I'd just leave him there after a couple of man-slaps. No doubt the nanny would come along and finish him off…

Elijah Wood - This probably ties in with the whole Orlando Bloom/Lord of the Rings trilogy thing as well, but of more pressing concern is his eyes. What the hell is it with those massive eyes? He's like Hypno-toad from Futurama. There's only one explanation: I'm convinced Elijah Wood is some sort of vanguard for an alien invasion, his dastardly plan to hypnotise us into submission before the alien fleet arrives. Well not anymore, Wood! BANG! There's one black eye! BANG! There's another black eye - try hypnotising me now, bitch. Just remember, I'm not doing this because I want to - I'm doing it for all mankind.

Robbie Williams - Do you know how much I hate this man? Well let me tell you: a lot. And I just know that while I'm punching away at him he'd still be gurning like he does on stage, which would mean that I'd just keep hitting him and he'd keep gurning, and we'd be stuck in this cycle until the end of time, which I could kind of get behind because he's like the ultimate stress toy. And Earth would probably be like Utopia without his 'music.' Just imagine the distant future, when people would come to see me still punching Robbie Williams after all these years. Little children would turn to their mummies, and say "who are those men?" and the mummies would put a comforting hand on their kids' shoulders and say something like "that brave man has been fighting that evil devil since time began," and the kids would cheer me and I'd turn to them while throwing a mean right hook, and I'd shout out "let ME entertain you" all without missing a punch.

Right, that's me then. Who the hell would you fight?


WillowC said...

I would fight Amy Winehouse, because I reckon with that hair she'd keep bouncing back like a wibbly wobbly doll, making my job an easy one.

Or perhaps the IRRITATING bint from the Marks&Sparks advert who rolls the word food' so it sounds like 'fffyyyyyood', I'd smack her repeatedly in the voicebox, ridding the world of one of its most terrifying enemies.

Tim said...

Winehouse? Really? I wouldn't, and I'm well 'ard. She looks like a cage fighter, and a dirty one at that. Honest to god, I think you would probably catch something off her.

I seem to be the only person in the world who quite likes the M&S woman's saucy voice, but if you want to punch her fair enough.

(BTW, you totally should've 'FIRSTED!' IDV's just going to jump in and claim it as his own. That's what he does.)

WillowC said...

No I'm sorry, she needs to be stopped before she sends me into a murderous fury. But you're right about the Winehouse woman, I'll replace her with Winona Ryder, because she's part of the alien vanguard too.

MJ said...

I'd give Inexplicable DeVice a wedgie he'd never forget.

skillz said...

I'd fight anyone just to have the rights to fighting Robbie Williams.

Tim said...

Willowc - Oh, Ok, 'ave 'er then!!! As for Winona - good choice; she's a criminal and needs to be punished.

MJ - In those green shorts? Ooo, it'd be like a cheese wire through chedder, I imagine.

Skillz - You know what? You can have him. I'm loathe to call him a celebrity anyway. That said, I would definitely fight someone who had the nerve to send me a Facebook invite.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Yay! First!


I'd fight Ainsley Harriott. I'd wait until he's looking in the oven, checking that something is cooked, then repeatedly slam the oven door against his innanely grinning, shiny head. He has to be the most irritating man in all creation!

Then for pudding, I'd fight Lt. Cmdr. Data. I'd pull off his arms and beat him senseless with them - and if MJ just happens to get in the way, she may get a clock 'round the head, too! Once he's down, I'd download James Blunt's album into his positronic net which would effectively melt his innards. He has to be the most irritating android in all creation!
I'm glad he's dead! It's just a shame he didn't take B4 with him...

* breathes *

Tara said...

I've never seen "Fight Club". I should, I'm an Ed Norton fan, but just haven't.

Anyway, you definitely need to try kicking Blunt's ass. As for Orlando Bloom, I liked him as Legolas and sort of as Will Turner, but still would like to see him lose a fight. However, he fell down the stairs once and broke his back. This was before LOTR. He healed back up. So he may not be as fragile as we think if he can mend up from a broken back.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Ooo, Ainsley Harriot: good choice. And nice use of the oven door. I'd be tempted to wake 'im with a frying pan too - just like they do in cartoons. Why not see if you can get his eyeballs to come out on stalks?

As for Data… well, he's a Soong-type android - I'm not sure he'd let you rip his arms off. Why not just press his 'off' button, then rip his arms off, turn him back on, then pummel him.

And watch MJ - what's she done to warrant being whacked?!

Dinah said...

This is the funniest post I've read in a long time, maybe ever. I agree with all of your people! And I'm not a particularly violent person, I haven't been walking around grumbling about whacking people, but I totally back you up on all of these. (Except the non-love for High School Musical...)

I would take on Avril, I know she looks tough and dirty but I think I could take her - I once took karate!

T-Bird said...

You and Robbie sound like some sort of manly perpetual motion machine.

As for my pick... I think Paris Hilton is public enemy number one. Then Jamie Packer.

MJ said...

That Rosie O'Donnell gets on my tits.

I'll think up a plan for her but in the meantime I'll have her sit on Inexplicable DeVice.

Tim said...

Dinah - You like High School Musical?! OK, I'll let you off just because you want to deck Avril Latrine. Hit her for her criminal records - then for her alleged plagerizm! She's not tough - she's just mascara and stripey socks! Get her!

T-Bird - We could be hooked up to the national grid - would be the first decent thing Williams has ever done! Good call on Paris Hilton - whack her till both her eyes are wonky! I don't know who Jamie Packer is, but if you want to punch him/her - go fer it!

MJ - Oh, god yeah! I think we should all tag-team Rosie! When you say 'sit on' IDV, do you mean his lap?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Eww Gods, I hope not!

* wonders if MJ has ever had Nicole Ritchie inserted where the sun doesn't shine *

MJ said...

Not his lap. His face.

Then IVD can use Rosie as his butt plug. And still have room for Nicole Ritchie.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - For sheer comedy value, I hope so!

MJ - As I suspected! And like pudding, there's always room for Nicole Ritchie!!