I want you to hit me as hard as you can

Well, not really - this isn't an invite for all and sundry to just rush up and happy-slap me. No, what it is, though, is that last week I caught a bit of Fight Club on telly. I love Fight Club, even though I know I shouldn't talk about it. It's such an awesome movie, and it takes me back to my days as a bare-knuckle fighter on the wild streets of West London. Ah, those were the days – where all that stood between me and a wedgie of epic proportions at the hands of my school-age nemeses (nemesises? Who knows? Who cares?) were my winning smile and my fists of fury.

After seeing a bit of Fight Club, then, I imagine you can understand that I got a bit nostalgic. Specifically, I was thinking about the bit where Tyler Durden asks Edward Norton which celebrity he'd fight. Norton replies "William Shatner. I'd fight William Shatner." And this got me thinking about which celebrities I'd fight. Now, first of all, let me just say that I would not fight William Shatner. I know he's in his seventies, but that dude can fight - just look at all those fight scenes in Star Trek and TJ Hooker. He's got some moves that I really don't think mortal man could evade; the Shat fights dirty. Plus, he's my idol, and I don't think I could hit my idol. It would be like asking a vicar to punch Jesus.

That being the case, and in no specific order, here are 10 celebrities I would fight:

• Orlando Bloom - I don't know what it is about Orlando Bloom that winds me up; quite possibly it has something to do with losing 10 f**kin' hours of my life to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Geez, those were dull movies. And what was he supposed to be anyway? A transvestite Green Arrow or something? Whatever! This probably wouldn't be a fair fight, because I get the impression that Orlando would just be waving his arms around like a little girl trying to shoo a bumblebee away, and while his little girly slaps are tickling my manly torso in a barely irritating fashion, I'd just bop him on the nose. Job done.

• James Blunt - OK, so James Blunt may have been in the army, but what infantryman takes an acoustic guitar into a warzone and starts warbling "you're beautiful" to the opposing forces? A pathetic one, I'd suggest. I reckon James Blunt would have one of those heads that looks like it's a jack-in-the-box; y'know, you'd punch it, and it'd go back, then spring forward ready for another bash. And all the while he'd maintain that slightly surprised, slightly gormless look that was plastered across his face when he played the Live Earth gig, which would just make my blood boil even more so that I'd just. Keep. Hitting. Him.

• Zach Effron - I caught 20 minutes of High School Musical when it was on TV at Christmas and that was enough for me to want to launch this little bastard into orbit.

• Frankie Muniz - I really used to like Malcolm in the Middle, then I saw Frankie Muniz driving round in an open top Maserati sports car, and I realised that he's probably about 42 or something, and that he's probably got some sort of genetic abnormality that's stunted his growth. He also looks a bit special, and although I've got a general rule against hitting specials (it's like my version of the Prime Directive), I'll make an exception because of the whole Maserati thing. Fight tactics? Just keep pummeling his massive head until he falls over, I reckon. Then steal his car.

• Justin Timberlake - This is kind of a weird one, because I actually quite like JT. Approximately 47 percent of his music is good, and he's shown a self-deprecating sense of humour with the whole 'Dick in a Box' thing. But he cried and phoned his mum when Ashton Kutcher Punk'd him, and that is not cool. What is cool, though, is him crying me a river after I slam him against a wall. Who's bringing sexyback now, bee-yatch?

• Keane - Keane. What is there to say about Keane? Well, not much to be honest. Lord, I hate this band with a passion. Ugh, even the mere thought of that Mr Potato-Head they call a lead singer warbling their horrid, anemic music makes me want to hulk-out big time. I think I could easily take on all three of them at once. I mean, the drummer does bugger all, none of them have guitars they could swing at me - what's the posh one with the double-barrelled surname going to do - launch his keyboard at me? Please. I'd pick the Potato-Headed one up by his ankles and use him as a some sort of floppy, out-of-tune, top-heavy club to dispatch the other two, then … God, I really don't think I could be arsed to expend the effort. I think I'd just chuck him in a skip or something.

• Tobey Maguire - OK, so Tobey Maguire is Spider-Man, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be easy to beat. First of all, 95 percent of those movies are CGI - he really can't fly through the air and do back flips like that. Second of all, I know he beefs up for the Spidey films, but I've seen pics of him with a muffin-top gut and unflattering moobs that suggests he kinda lets himself go between sequels. That being the case, I'd target Maguire in a three-month window post-filming. I'd probably walk up to him, point over his shoulder, and say something like "oh my god, they're taking Seabiscuit to the glue factory," then when he turned round to look I'd just whack him one. I think he'd go down pretty quickly, because he generally looks a bit wimpy, and he's a vegan. Experience suggests that vegans are pretty weak, and even if he did try to fight back I'd just threaten to punch a cow or something.

• Jude Law - Ahhh, Jude Law. One of Britain's most talented actors. So gifted, so suave, so handsome. *BAM!* Well, two out of three's not bad. I'd probably not put much effort into going all Fight Club on Jude Law, because I don't think he could really take a beating. So I'd just leave him there after a couple of man-slaps. No doubt the nanny would come along and finish him off…

• Elijah Wood - This probably ties in with the whole Orlando Bloom/Lord of the Rings trilogy thing as well, but of more pressing concern is his eyes. What the hell is it with those massive eyes? He's like Hypno-toad from Futurama. There's only one explanation: I'm convinced Elijah Wood is some sort of vanguard for an alien invasion, his dastardly plan to hypnotise us into submission before the alien fleet arrives. Well not anymore, Wood! BANG! There's one black eye! BANG! There's another black eye - try hypnotising me now, bitch. Just remember, I'm not doing this because I want to - I'm doing it for all mankind.

• Robbie Williams - Do you know how much I hate this man? Well let me tell you: a lot. And I just know that while I'm punching away at him he'd still be gurning like he does on stage, which would mean that I'd just keep hitting him and he'd keep gurning, and we'd be stuck in this cycle until the end of time, which I could kind of get behind because he's like the ultimate stress toy. And Earth would probably be like Utopia without his 'music.' Just imagine the distant future, when people would come to see me still punching Robbie Williams after all these years. Little children would turn to their mummies, and say "who are those men?" and the mummies would put a comforting hand on their kids' shoulders and say something like "that brave man has been fighting that evil devil since time began," and the kids would cheer me and I'd turn to them while throwing a mean right hook, and I'd shout out "let ME entertain you" all without missing a punch.

Right, that's me then. Who the hell would you fight?