Monday, July 16, 2007

Spank my pinata

Good grief, this might turn out to be a long and intricate tale, but stick with me folks, for it contains:

• Furious exercise
• An epic romance
• A special treat
• Hot animal sex
• Incest

Bear with me.

Furious Exercise:
So Sunday afternoon, despite the fact that the weather was veering from blue skies and sunshine to thunder and torrential downpours, I decided to go out on my bike. Yes, it rained a little at first, then it cleared up, then it rained again, then I "humphed" and rolled my eyes in an almost emo-esque fashion, then it turned sunny again. Then a plague of flying ants appeared from out of nowhere and insisted on colliding into me. Ants in my cycle helmet, ants down my top, ants in my chest hair. Shit. Do you know how difficult it is to pluck f**king ants out of your chest hair? It's difficult, let me tell you. Even more so when you're doing about 25 miles per hour down Hampton High Street.

Anyway, long story short, ants aside, I actually had a pretty awesome ride. I did a slightly longer route than last week, and cut 11 minutes off my time. Haven't got a clue how that happened, but I ain't questioning it. The only downside, though, was that I was pretty freakin' knacked by the time I got home. And that's how, in a rather emotional state, I ended up watching the Jennifer Garner epic '13 Going on 30.'

An Epic Romance:
God, I don't know what the hell was going on - I'm assuming-slash-hoping that it had something to do with my fraught emotional state - but I was super-drawn into this film. I also literally didn't the hell know what was going on because I missed the first 20 minutes, but I'm assuming from the title that Jennifer Garner was playing a sexy retard with the emotional age of a 13 year old. Whatever was going on, I was just hoping and praying that she was going to end up with Mark Ruffalo's character, because even coming into it late I just *knew* those two were meant to be together (incidently, one other thing: should they ever want to do a remake of Columbo, Mark Ruffalo is a complete shoe-in for the role; he's got the hair, the accent, the slightly weird eye, and the somewhat dirty look. He'd also be good for Super Mario Bros).

Fortunately they did, which was awesome because I don't think in my fragile post bike ride state I could've handled the emotional turmoil of him marrying the woman who so clearly wasn't right for him, while Jennifer Garner spent the rest of her days hitting on pre-pubescent boys. With that burning issue resolved to my heart's content, I retired to bed. REALLY. FRIGGIN'. EARLY.

A Special Treat:
Meet Yaz for coffee today, and she immediately picked up on the fact that I was clearly still slightly dazed after my Tour de West London. At least that's the only explanation as to why she kept giving me *snaps* at close range. Anyway, at some point during our lunchtime conversation I happened to mention that I'd downloaded the demo for the Xbox 360 game Viva Pinata. She was intrigued by the open-ended gameplay possibilities that it offered as you craft your garden and filled it with exotic pinatas, and convinced me that I should buy the full game, particularly as it was only 25 quid in Argos. Realising that I'd be too knacked to do anything other than collapse on the sofa when I got in, and deciding that it would make a nice change of pace from the usual games I play which generally consist of blowing things up, I agreed with her, and toddled off to Argos to pick up a copy.

(Note to self: what merry-chav-hell has Argos turned into these days? Never venture there AGAIN)

Hot animal sex:
There's a little bit more to Viva Pinata than I expected. I realised this the first time my whirls (worm-shaped pinatas) started 'romancing' one another in the privacy of the little house I'd bought them. It did not help that they looked like severed penises with comedy eyes and broad smiles. By the time my taffly had begun taking each other roughly from behind I'd come to the conclusion that the 'for ages three and above' label might not really be that appropriate…

Yes, I had the resulting offspring from my Sparrowmint's sordid encounter shag one of its parents. Bearing in mind there's no gender-specific detailing in evidence, I'm not sure if it was a son shagging its mother, a daughter shagging its father or… oh, you get the idea.

Verdict: It's like a massive orgy. Viva Pinata could be the most pornographically awesome video game EVAH.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Yay! First!

See, this is exactly why I don't play many video games. Except for The Simpson's Hit & Run - You won't find Lisa and Homer doing the dirty in Bart's bedroom...

re Argos = Chav Hell (merry or otherwise): Where the Hell have you been?!

And have you noticed how your boobs have started to firm up? Sorry, I started writing and couldn't stop. What I meant was: And have you noticed how Mark Ruffalo can sometimes look like the best thing since sliced bread, then in the very next scene, like... well... as you pointed out, Columbo?

Tim said...

Viva Pinata is amazing. I'm really looking foward to seeing which pinatas I can make hump later.

Get a 360 - I can trade you pinatas.

As for Argos - well, it's more chavvy than I remember it being. It was horrific. All the staff looked like they'd lost the will to live.

My boobs? They already were reasonably firm, but I'll give them another cup to see how they feel now. I think Mark Ruffalo is some sort of chameleon actor - able to become whatever character he wants to be!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I wonder if he can grip a branch with his tail? He can already point his eyes in different directions.

Tim said...

Maybe he's a character in Viva Pinata?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Keep playing. He's probably in one of the upper levels?

Holy crap! WV is rqehhex. I don't know what the rqeh bit means, though.

Tim said...

Maybe there's like a celeb pinata level? Ooo, excitemondo! I can make him shag the Jennifer Garner Pinata!!

rqeh sounds like 'wreck.' Wreck-hex? What?!

Tara said...

So....was it raining ants instead of water? How, just how did ants wind up in your chest hair??

I loved "13 Going on 30". Such a nice ending. I should buy that movie, I have the soundtrack. Anyway, she's not retarded, don't be silly. Some magic dust fell on her head while she was wishing that she was "Thirty and flirty" after her birthday party went awry. That was at least the first fifteen minutes.

Tim said...

Noooooo, they were flying ants - they appeared after the rain. And they were zooming towards me. I can't believe I didn't swallow one.

Magic dust, huh? That ol' chestnut. I think I prefer my plotline with her as a sexy retard. Maybe I should write an epic teen romance movie based on that premise?

Where the hell did the magic dust come from!?

Tara said...

Her best friend, Matty/Matthew, built her a doll house and gave her a packet of glittery wishing dust. Apparently it was also magic wishing dust.

Dinah said...

I like "30 going on 13", the touching story of a retarded young woman who hits on young boys. Coming to a theatre near you!

IDV, I read your word as "rough hex", which, well, made me think of something else that sounds like it.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ooh, Dinah, that's better than Tim's wreck hex offering, you scamp!

Tim said...

Tara - Why does no one ever buy me magic dust? Goddammit! I want magic dust!

Dinah - Is that Hollywood executives knocking on my door as I, er, type?!

Ha ha - IDV likes rough hex *snigger*!!

IDV - Pervert.

WillowC said...

It might have been bad for you, but imagine what it was like for the poor ants, who must have assumed fire had wiped out all the local grassland.

Tim said...

I doubt they had time to worry about grassland as the GIANT HAND OF DOOM loomed over them.