Thursday, July 05, 2007

A solution to all our problems

Modern life can be terribly vexing, can't it? People shouting and swearing at each other, people dawdling in the streets, people just being generally annoying. It's this latter point that's been of particular interest to me recently.

You may remember that I was wittering on about an annoying person the other day. I wittered to Yaz about it too, and she was sure I was on the verge of some kind of psychotic episode that would see me dispense with said annoying person in a maniacal fashion somewhat akin to how the Hooded Claw often tried to dispense of Penelope Pitstop* but with rather more success. She also thought I could probably use my past good form to plead mercy to the court, and suggest that the said episode was actually aggravated, thus I would not have to serve too much time in prison.

Fortunately, I've managed to quell the rising … urge … to … kill, predominently through lunchtime coffee-based therapy sessions with the aforementioned Yaz**. Today, though, I've come up with a – I think you'll agree – totally awesome method to deal with annoying people.

It's a spade.

Yes, I'm advocating carrying around a large garden implement. And if anyone annoys you, you bash them on the head with it. It has many other uses in today's society too. Chavs? Bash to the head! Road rage? Bash to the windscreen! Kiddie-fiddlers? Uses the sharp digging end - chop to the pee-pee! Heck - it can even be used in the garden! Versatile or what!?

Problem solved. It's like a slightly more painful version of Mallet's Mallet, with the possibility of concusion in extreme cases.

I was talking about my plan to Guy in the comic shop this evening, and he initially suggested that a brick would be a good thing to use against potential annoyances. Bricks are good, but a spade, to my mind, would be more effective, and infinitely more versatile (unless you were building a house). But what if… what if you COMBINED THEM!? Duct-tape the two together to create a spade-brick combo! Imagine it like Ripley's pulse rifle/flame-thrower combo from Aliens - all the advantages of both the spade and the brick in an easy to handle form!

Mark my words - the spade-brick combo will be the latest home protection device in no time at all. Say 'ello to my lil' friend!

*Have I ever told you that it was, and to be honest still is, one of my lifelong dreams to put together a live-action Penelope Pitstop movie starring Michelle Pffeifer as, well, Penelope Pitstop, and Star Trek's own Brent Spiner as the Hooded Claw? I'm not too sure about the Ant Hill Mob, but I think probably Bob Hoskins would be a good fit. Hollywood - call me?

**Did I mention it was Yaz's birthday yesterday? It was, and I was the the Most. Evil. Friend. Ever. I totally pretended that I'd forgotten, even going so far as to send her an email saying "are we meeting for coffee today? I'm not too bothered if the weather's still crappy," rather than my usual "coffee today?" I caved upon meeting up with her though, and made up for it by giving her some awesome presents.


skillz said...

I don't think you should talk about murder in such a blasé way, Tim. Did you know that a person gets murdered AT LEAST every month?

Tim said...

I'm not talking about murder - I'm talking about banging people on the head when they're annoying me.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Skillz, are you saying that it's the same person that gets murdered every month? If so, "Modern life can be terribly vexing, can't it?"
I wonder if it's anyone I know...?

I'm taking a Spade-Brick Combo™* to Hollywood to persuade the bigwigs that a Penelope Pitstop Movie is the future!

* You should totally Trademark the S-B C.

Tim said...

That must be really annoying if you get murdered once a month. That person needs a spade-brick combo!

If the spade-brick combo isn't enough to convince Hollywood of my genius idea, drop me an email and I can always send the Agatha Christie cannon over. That will convince them…

Dora & Tina said...

Tim, I know what you did last summer.

Something about a spade/brick combo.

And bopping people on the head.


Can I join in this summer?

Tara said...

I love tools that can be used for multiple projects. You could also find a way to attach an IPod into the handle of the weapon so that you can listen to music while killing somebody.

What would you call this brick and spade combo?

Tim said...

Dora - Damn! Discovered!! Of course you can join in - you can head the Southern Hemisphere bop-team!

Tara - I love the idea of iPod integration - maybe like the iPhone it could come in 4 and 8 gig capacities? But it's only for harmless bopping!

what would we call it? Erm… the spade/brick combo … no, wait: the iSpade/brick combo! CATCHY!

Tara said...

The iPummel

Tim said...

It's hot! It's edgy! Trademark it!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* snigger *

::shakes uncontrollably::

* snort *

::more shaking::

Why am I almost helpless with laughter, I hear you ask? The Agatha Christie Cannon, that's why.

Every house should have one. I wish I had one when the God Squad came 'round this morning!

"Take that!"

* BANG *

Agatha Christie, right in the gut!

Tim said...

Oof! Can you imagine firing the Agatha Christie cannon at a god-botherer? Right in the Miss Marples!