Thursday, July 19, 2007

Tactical withdrawal

Theoretical secretary - take a letter!


No, this isn't 'Countdown,' Theoretical secretary' I didn't mean a vowel or a consonent. Do you see Carol Vorderman anywhere around here? No, I didn't think so. Pick up your pen and a notepad, balance your glasses on the end of your nose so you at least look like you know what you're doing, and copy down what I say.

Dear Lond-

Wait. Could you not sit like that, Theoretical secretary? I'm having flashbacks to 'Basic Instinct' – it's very distracting. Thank you.


Dear Londinium-er,

It is with great regret that I annouce today my decision to withdraw from the race to be the next mayor of our great and fair city. My reasons for this are simple: Boris-freakin'-Johnson has entered the fray.


Holy hell people, this is going to be awesome. It'll be like putting a monkey and a goat in a boxing ring together. The monkey will be all cool and grin like an idiot, while the goat, which I might add will be wearing a gingham 'neckerchief, will just look perplexed and try to eat everything. Eventually the monkey will start prodding the goat, and the goat will go ballistic and headbutt the monkey (goats are very temperamental and unpredicatble). Soon all hell will break loose.

Good times.

For those of you who don't know, let me give you a brief biography of the two most prominent candidates.

In the red corner - goat:
Ken Livingston has been mayor of Londinium for what, eight years now? In that time he's introduced some good things (free travel for old biddies and young chavs) and some not so good things (a horrifically-flawed congestion charge that was extended this year into one of the most affluent boroughs because of a shortfall in profits, and now masquerades as an environmental benefit which allows a hybrid Lexus RX400h generating 192g of C02 per km into the zone for free, while a VW Polo generating 103g of C02 per km still has to pay eight quid purely because it's not a hybrid. Go figure). Ken is characterised by his incredibly annoying naselly voice, dodgy trips abroad at taxpayers expense, and a penchant for shoulder pads that even 'Dynasty'-era Joan Collins would shy away from.

In the blue corner - Monkey:
Boris Johnson is a national treasure, mainly because he's one of those politicians who keeps putting his foot in it by making incredibly offensive gaffs (one of his best gaffs involved replacing the word 'foot' with the word 'penis,' and 'it' with 'somebody else's wife'). Boris looks like what you'd imagine a live action version of Prince Adam from 'Masters of the Universe' would look like if played by Matt Lucas from 'Little Britain.' Sadly he does not have a battle cat, making do instead with a rather shitty-looking push bike.

So those are our two candidates. Somebody queue up the Star Trek fight music - this is going to be great!

Yours Sincerely,



I heard something very strange on the radio this afternoon:
"Die-hard Harry Potter fans are already queuing outside Waterstones in Piccadilly in anticipation of the last Harry Potter book's release…"
What?! Was this some sort of strange Harry Potter-John McClane crossover? I could already picture school children across the country waving their wands around while shouting "YIPPIE-KAY-YAY MUGGLE F**KER!"

Then I realised I'd just gotten a little bit confused.


Regular readers will recall that some time ago I posted a poll regarding which pair of trainers I should buy - a camoflauge pair, or a pimpy white pair. The results were overwhelmingly underwhelming in favour of neither pair, so I flipped you all the bird and made my own choice. Based on the fact that they were marginally cheaper and ready for immediate delivery, I plumped for the pimpy white pair. Long story short, they arrived, and they are awesome. I'm still in that "ooo, new trainers, mustn't wear them outside" phase, so they're effectively just pimpy slippers at the moment, although hopefully this will pass quite quickly as the old ones are about to fall apart.

Anyway, so now I've got some pimpy white trainers, all I need now is a small business loan, some bling, and some ho's* and I can start my own prostitution ring. Good times!

*Any volunteers?


Inexplicable said...

Yay! First!

And, Yay! Theoretical Secretary is back. She's brilliant! In a completely rubbish way, of course. I wish she'd stop that 'leg crossing' too - most unbecoming.
I thought you'd written 'tactical secretary' at first because I was reading to quickly. You should get one of those, too. Then you can dress them both up as prospective Londonium Mayors and have your own private fight.

Hmmm... Hos. Let me think... *coughsMJcoughs*

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Bugger. There goes my DeVice again...

Tim said...

She is back - but I'm not sure how long I'll keep her. She's on probation (literally and figuratively).

I like the idea of a tactical secretary! They could load and fire my photon torpedoes!

*watches Theoretical secretary pick up DeVice, look at it, and pop it in her handbag for later…*

MJ said...

IVD hasn't been off his back all summer.

That clicking sound you hear? The turnstile on his bedroom door.

I volunteer IVD as your primary money maker.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oh, MJ's just being modest. You know she really wants the job - She wouldn't even need loosening up!

MJ said...

Says the man who keeps an industrial-sized vat of Boy Butter on his bedside table.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

It's for the squeaky wardrobe doors, and nothing else!

Tim said...

You two, good grief! Does this need to be resolved by slapsies?

Although, IDV, wardrobes doors? Really, *no one* believes that…

Inexplicable DeVice said...

It's true! There's a lot of coming and going through those doors - Quite why Narnia is such such a popular holiday destination, I'll never know.

Tim said...


MJ said...

*lines up for slapsies*

Tim said...

Oh, MJ, you could totally 'ave him!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Wanna bet? I've been taught by the best - Alexis Colby!

P.S. I've done some jiggerypokery and have now embedded a video that works.

WillowC said...

There were kids and nutters wandering about the centre of London in full Harry Potter regalia yesterday, all nonchalant as if it wasn't an utterly weird thing to do.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - What, you're going to hit MJ with your wig? I can't wait to see this fight!

Willowc - Freakin' weirdos. I'm glad the last book is out; I've had enough of this Harry Potter thing. I hope all the characters get killed off in it so there's no chance of an eighth book, and kids can go back to video games and happy-slapping.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I've been growing my nails, too!

Tim said...

Ouch - vicious!

MJ said...

I'll snatch that wighat off his head and trample it under my stilettos.

Dinah said...

Is Countdown like Wheel of Fortune?

I almost forgot the 'o' in Countdown. Different show, that.