Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Things that happened today

Sometimes things completely unexpected will happen to you; some are lovely, some not so much. Several things of relative note happened to me today; you may or may not find them interesting/mildy diverting.

First things first: A bloody massive striped monstrosity dive-bombed me in the office this morning (it was not, you'll be glad to hear, a murderous emo attached to a length of bungee rope). There I was, all zoned out in my proof-reading coma, when this massive thing just … well, it just came at me! I'm loathe to call it a bee, because it was about the size of a sparrow. I suppose it could've been one of those much-vaunted 'super-wasps' the Daily Mail is always going on about, but I saw no evidence of it trying to dissolve me with heat vision, nor was there a crashed rocket ship from a doomed planet parked up outside the office.

That being the case, I can only assume it was some kind of genetic abberation, a bit like Chunk from The Goonies or Suri Cruise.

Not having time to capture it on film, I produced a detailed autistic rendering of the creature:

Despite appearances, I did not tattoo this illustration on human flesh; it's actually on a big post-it note, but the colours went funny. But yes, what you're thinking is correct - the monster was packing heat.

-----

Met Yaz for a coffee-based lunch at, er, lunchtime, which was going swimmingly until - ugh! - an almighty hair flopped across my face. My first thought was that my hairdresser had been playing a cruel, cruel trick on me, and had purposely not been cutting one single, specific hair each time I've been recently so that it grew and grew and grew to immense and ridiculous proportions. But as I clawed at my face to pull it away, I glanced up and realised that the woman at the next table had been giving her hair the ol' 'just walked out of a salon' shake while she flirted with some guy, and the wind had blown a stray hair over (we were sitting outside). I scowled at her, and scattered the offending lock to the wind.

But blow me down if she didn't do it again a minute later. This was even worse though, because this one was frizzy and had a split end. She looked at me again, and basically shrugged her shoulders as if to say "not my problem."

I was *this* close to telling her to go get her skanky, alopecia-riddled bird's nest hair sorted.

*snaps*

-----

Everyone likes to hear how much they're loved, and a raving egomanic like me is no different. Today, though, I was particularly touched*. Some of my workmates have started an online petition to make me join Facebook. An online petition for me? Pour moi!? I was so touched by this, in fact, that the answer was still no. I did, however, invite the orchestrator of the petition to come be my MySpace friend at www.myspace.com/sparkytim (Autumn Reeser, still *ahem* pending, I note…).

I was a little upset a short time later, though, to actually look at the petition (it's open to non-Facebook members) to find that only five people have signed it, one of which I don't know, although she seems delightful and has a very exciting futuristic-sounding name. So I turned to my colleague BSH and told him that if they could reach 30 signatures I'd join up; but as he turned to his keyboard and started furiously tapping out what I can only assume was some rousing call to arms, I raised the stakes to 50. Thirty's probably within the realm of possibility, you see.

What's also annoying is the fact that someone on Facebook is calling themself 'Sparky Timmy,' which has led BSH to think that it might actually be me. Despite my protests to the contrary, BSH isn't totally convinced, and has apparently been using the Facebook 'poke' function on my unsuspecting doppleganger. Not being too clued up on the whole Facebook thing, I'm not sure if 'poking' is as overtly sexual as it sounds, but either way this dude is probably black and blue from being poked by a complete stranger.


*But not in a special, sexual, or inappropriate way**.
**More's the pity.

29 comments:

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Was the helicopte... er, I mean Bee drooling as well? It sure looks like it.

Tell your mate BSH to put me down as a signature. Actually, make it 4. There are four of us in here after all...

Tim said...

No, that's blood. It clearly had already taken a victim prior to its attempted assault against me.

And: I most certainly will not!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Spoilsport!

Tim said...

Hush your mouth!

WillowC said...

The futuristic lady is my best mate and you now have 8 members, including the friend of mine who said your blog made her mouth ulcer hurt (from laughing, of course).

You'll have to join now because our suspicion that 'Sparky Timmy' is your account has led to ponderings on the subject of why you don't want us to see. Is it because you are a secret transvestite knitter? The jury is out.

Now stop being difficult and give in to your fans -.-

missy&chrissy said...

and i thought the insects in my office were bad! and they don't even carry weapons...

join facebook! funny, but i was just bamboozled into joining it myself this week. there must be some sort of international facebook conspiracy going on...

Dinah said...

Hahaha. That group is so good. Transvestite knitter! You probably knit the hat you're wearing in the picture.

my word verification: sxytojo. Propaganda!

Tim said...

Eight? Only 42 left to go! By the way - corsodyl is just great for ulcers - it's a minty mouth wash; clears 'em straight up!

Sparky Timmy is definitely not me - I do NOT call myself 'Timmy.' Anyway, if I was on there, I'd be putting a link up there in alphabetical order on my links list! No link, no Facebook - muwahahahaha!

*crosses arms and pouts in anticipation of 42 more followers*

Missy&Chrissy - Watch them! Now one's started carrying weapons, they'll all start carrying weapons! Get the industrial strength bug repellent!

Join MySpace!

Dinah - I am not a transvestite knitter! And what hat? Where am I wearing a hat? I'm *so* confused!

Dora & Tina said...

Oooo...a bee joke. what a huge bee and I assuming that the drawing was to scale. You wouldn't lead us on, would you tim?

Although I would like to see your artistic skills in making a emo on a bungee cord as a drawing.

Willis said...

I totally don't know you, but I was paid £100 to join, so I did!

You better come to Facebook now, or I have to pay it back.

WillowC said...

See the lengths we'll go to?????

Tim said...

Dora - That bee was massively, totally to scale. Honest. It was HUGE. I would never lie to you.

And I'm definitely going to draw you a bungee-emo.

What yoo talkin' 'bout Willis!? (sorry, I bet you get that all the time, huh?). 100 quid? You were ripped off. I hope you got a receipt. And the last time I looked the petition only had 11 crappy signatures.

Willowc - I said 11 crappy signatures!

WillowC said...

TWELVE -.-

Dinah said...

In the facebook group picture, aren't you wearing some sort of hat over your face? Like a toque, or something?

Tim said...

Willowc - Still 38 short. Muwahaha!

Dinah - HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND THAT?! Good lord!!! Yes, I am wearing a hat - it was taken on my birthday about four or five years ago. It was very cold, and I stole El Deanio's hat. And Mr. Chunt's gloves. And I drank loads, and was very sick. It was green.

Tara said...

Post-It illustrations are the best "on the spot" pieces of artwork that can be found. I like your drawing. I hope you weren't allergic to the giant wasp sting.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Crikey! I'm gonna have to up my game as Dinah's out-stalking me!

Willis said...

I dunno what i'm talking about! I'm just paid to do it!

Also.. I see you have Viva Pinata.. how on EARTH do you play the fookin' thing?

Join Facebook and let me in on it, will you?

>.>

Dinah said...

Heh. I have my ways! And actually, as far as Stalkerbook goes, finding your page was relatively easy. I was so tempted to join the group...but I thought that might be weird.

Anywho, I like the look.

Tim said...

Tara - I agree. I've always liked the idea of a gallery dedicated to artwork drawn on standard size post-it notes. And everyone would be allowed to add their own efforts, because quite frankly there'd be a lot of room on the walls!

Inexplicable Device - I thought you were slipping but I didn't want to mention anything…

Willis - Paid to blog-comment… what a life! I do have Viva Pinata - my preztails are f**king like nobody's business these days. It's easy - just hammer your garden into place, then get yer pinatas a-humpin'!

Dinah - Oh god, join it! There's at least three people on there who I've got no idea who they are, so you're by far the least stalky person who could sign up. IDV on the other hand…

WV: gopdzdy - Godzilla's retarded cousin.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* endeavours to find Facebook stalker site *

WillowC said...

Join Dinah, join!!!

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Geez, everyone else has, why the hell can't you? Is it your clockwork computer?

Willowc - Shuttit!

IDV - She's trying to corrupt the coven!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oh, I give up. I can't find this petition, or the pic of you in the hat. I've got no option but to email Dinah.

Here I go...

Dinah said...

Done and done, IDV. now you know all my super-secret stalking secrets.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ooh, ta!

* rushes off to join petition *

Coo, I can see right up Tim's nose!

Tim said...

Dinah - Have you started a super secret stalker super-club?!

Inexplicable Device - ohmygod! Your head's shaped like a question mark!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ah, that's because my profile is private to non-friend viewers.
If - sorry, when - you join Facebook, Tim, you'll be able to see my head in all its non-question marked glory!

Tim said...

How very secret squirrel of you.

And yes, if 37 more people sign up I will too. Thirty seven!!! Ha ha ha!!! Pitiful!