Yo ho, yo ho - is that you, Keef?!

Being the whore to the blockbuster that I am, there are three movies coming out in the next couple of months that I will definitely be catching.

Next week - X-Men 3. Oh, sorry, that'll be X-Men: The Last Stand. Until it makes shedloads of money and they decide to make another one. Last stand my arse.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the last two, but this one looks sorta... underwhelming...? Or maybe I'm just in the 'I HATE BRETT RATNER MOVIES' camp? Who knows; we'll see this Friday when, despite the fact that I HATE BRETT RATNER MOVIES I'll be off to see X-Men 3. Um, The Last Stand.

Of course, the big one is Superman Returns, which gave me a special tingle of excitement when I saw the latest trailer. And I'm a fully paid up member of the 'I LOVE BRYAN SINGER MOVIES' club, so, y'know, this is going to rock. Hopefully...

The big question is - should I wear my superman t-shirt and my pants on the outside of my trousers when I go to see it, or would that be too much?

Hmmm... probably not wear the t-shirt then.

And finally - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Now, I thought the last one was a pretty sucky movie made immensly enjoyable by one thing: Keira Knightley's heaving bossum. Um, I mean, Johnny Depp was excellent.

Um...

Any-hoo, this new one looks great fun, and I'm already humming "yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me" a little too often for comfort, but one thing is puzzling me: there were a lot of rumours that Keith - sorry, I mean Keef - Richards was going to be in it as Cap'n Jack's dad. Then I heard that he wasn't. Then he was. Then he was'n- You get the picture.

Then I caught the latest trailer, and saw this:


My question is: is this Keef Richards?

Sorta looks a bit like him... sorta sounds a bit like him...

I do hope it's him. That would be the BEST THING EVAH! Apart from, maybe, the wonderous sight of me leaping around in front of the Odeon Leicester Square wearing my pants outside my trousers shouting "DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!"

(yes, you'll believe a man can fly)

I also hope Keef doesn't take it upon himself to climb anymore coconut trees. My Mum's waited 43 years to see The Rolling Stones, and it would be just awful if he did himself in before she gets the chance to realise her dream.

So, note to Keef - you can do whatever you want AFTER August 20th, OK? Cheers matey.

And now for the ladies - Johnny Depp with the campest expression on his face that I could find:

Ooo, new Apple Store

Wow! Checkout the new Apple Store in New York.

Looks cool, huh? I'm assuming there's a bit more to it than just a big glass cube in the middle of the street, because I'd be a bit miffed if I rocked up there to buy a new computer or an iPod just to find a big ol' empty glass cube.

No doubt David Blaine would love it though.

Get's me wondering though, are all the other Apple Stores across the world plagued by the same problem as the one in Regent Street? By that I mean, are they just full of exchange students, tourists, and pikeys hogging the latest uber-fast Intel Macs merely to check their hotmail?

That really annoys me. The last time I went in there for the sole purpose of checking my email I couldn't find a damned free computer.

So I bought another iPod instead.

Damn!

Did someone just slip something into my drink?

Watch this, then go and sit in a darkened room until the hallucinogens wear off.

Good lord...

The nine o'clock gnus!

With a gnu - do you see!? I think we'll call it Lucy. Lucy Gnu.

Aaaaaaanyway, There's a couple of things I want to touch upon today, so I might even use some bullet points, like this: •

And this: •

And – whoa! - there's another one: •

Any-any-anyway, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin!

• I discovered today that Christies are holding an auction of Star Trek memorabilia. Now, I've measured up my living room, and I've got a sneaking suspicion that the Enterprise won't quite fit, so I've had to lower my expectations to Admiral Kirk's uniform from Star Trek II: The Wrath of KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!

But hey! That's pretty darn cool! Look:


I was talking to Marcosy today, and he thinks I should definitely go for it, and I tend to agree. After all, ladies love a man in uniform.

I wonder if it still has that bloody hand print on the lapel? Not to worry, I'm sure it'd come out in the wash.

Who'll lend me 9000 dollars?

• A while back I set up a Myspace page. It's not something I'd planned on doing, but Phantom Planet had put up a questionnaire on their fantastic blog, and you could only respond to it through Myspace. And you can only leave comments on Myspace if you're a member of Myspace. So I joined Myspace.

Phew.

Thing is, I'm not making a big deal of it, and I don't know if I'm actually going to do anything with it. But today I received an email from someone called 'Anna' who wanted to be 'my friend.' Interesting, I hear you say.

And interesting it was indeed. See, 'Anna' is actually called 'Anita,' and 'Anita' mentioned that she usually likes to chat to her pals via her 'camera.' She gave me a link to her website, so I thought I'd check it out.

Not the sort of site you should look at in the office. Nope... definitely NOT the sort of site you should look at in the office.

Hmmm...

Anyway, I think I'm just going to leave the Myspace page festering and see what/who wants to be my friend; think of it as some kind of experiment. It'll be interesting to see who'll drop by without me making an effort... In case anyone belonged to Myspace and wanted to be my friend, go here.

Unlike Anna/Anita, do keep some clothes on though; I wouldn't want you to catch a chill.

• Finally, I'm off to see The Da Vinci Code tomorrow. Now, apart from every single Catholic in the world, I appear to be the only person who hasn't read the book. And the reviews suggest that the film is ... um, not so good. But hey! I'll give it a whirl. And come on, Tom Hanks has NEVER made a bad film.

Except for The 'Burbs. And Joe versus the Volcano. I'd rather stick dynamite in my bum crack than watch those two films again.

Sparks will fly!

Bloody hell! Anyone who's been with me since the start of this blog will know that I've got a little thing against Tesco.

Well tonight it got worse.

One of their trolleys tried to kill me.

By that, I don't mean that it magically came to life and chased me around the car park in a Benny Hill stylee; rather, while wheeling around the store it built up a static charge that, upon contact with the metal frame, almost killed me. It was biblical in its intensity, let me tell you.

"Clean-up to aisle three, a young man has experienced an involuntary bowel movement."

Well, not quite.

Anyway, after getting over the initial shock (geddit! Do you see what I did there?), I decided I could have some fun with this by vanquishing the various chavs, children, and disorientated old people who get in my way while I'm picking out some muller lights in the freezer aisles. So I skidded round a bit, and caused some mayhem. There were blue sparks flying everywhere.

Never before has this blog been more aptly titled.

Seriously, this is almost as revolutionary as the time I created the wheel. And fire.

Rock on!

Making a boob of myself

So today, I found myself in a bit of a role reversal situation.

Y'know, the sort of thing where ... well, basically, some girl was checking out my man-rack. My pecs. my man-boobs. My chesticles. Anyone know any others? (I won't except 'bitch tits'; I am not, nor do I bear any resemblance to, Meatloaf's character from Fight Club)

I had to make a brief stop-off at another company for something to do with work, and while there I had a short conversation with this very sweet lady. So we're chatting away, and I notice her eyes keep flashing down to my, erm, chest area.

Now, the t-shirt I was wearing does have some rather non-sensical text on it, so it's quite possible that she was just trying to read that; but she would've figured out that it was non-sensical and stopped pretty sharpish. Unless my conversation was incredibly dull...

Anyway, so she kept looking. And looking. And looking. (Thank God I wasn't wearing a smutty t-shirt)

It got to the point where I seriously thought I'd dropped something down myself, or dribbled, or something.

So what did I do?

I looked too.

So there we are. Two twentysomething adults. Starring intently at my chest in the lobby of a rather posh office building. For an uncomfortably unreasonable period of time.

I coughed to clear my throat, snapping us both out of our reverie. (It was either that or flex one of my pecs, which might've just looked like I was having some sort of weird spasm)

"Well, er, thanks, I best be getting back ... Nice to meet you!" And headed back to work.

It was all a bit disconcerting, to be honest. I felt a tad used.

It was quite lovely in hindsight.

Straw poll!

OK, so the idea of getting a miniature horse seems to be a good one with all the people who make misguided attempts to influence what I do with my life in the hope that it'll lead me into serious trouble.

With that in mind – and simply because I quite like the idea of little hooves going clippety-cloppety across the living room floor – it's down to you, the Sparky Malarkey readers, to decide whether I should buy a miniature horse. And possibly a chariot.

If I was more technically-minded, this would be a real poll with clickable options. But I'm not, so just leave a comment.*

Your options are:

"YAY! Buy a miniature horse!"

OR

"NAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

(Didn't see that one coming, did you?)





*Poll results do not represent a legally-binding contract and/or any obligation to buy a miniature horse. Unless it's a magic one that can fly.

Just horsing around

Since I moved into my house and began a life of living on my own, various friends have asked when I'm going to get a pet.

"How about a cat," they ask. Now, I'd love a cat. But I'd worry about it getting lost or run over or kidnapped by the Peruvian mafia while I was at work, and it wouldn't be fair to leave it in all day; the little shit would no doubt maul the sofa anyway.

"A dog?" No, don't be silly. I don't do dogs. Not since that chocolate brown labrador knocked me over when I was running in a park aged about four and proceeded to lick my face like I was a chum-flavoured ice cream.

"How about a fish?" I really don't think that's a good idea bearing in mind my track record with goldfish; I still remember the day that I woke up to find that Speedy had jumped clear out of the tank during the night and landed on the Staines Informer, which, as he began to dry out, he appeared to bond with at the molecular level. We had to flush him still attached to an advert for double-glazing in the Sunbury area.

And his replacement, Giotto, died after only a week while we were watching Dallas. The pet shop owner told us it was a heart attack (I also found the 'who shot JR?' storyline exciting, but thankfully not to the point where it induced a coronary), although even the eight year-old me figured that was a pretty precise diagnosis considering he hadn't even performed an autopsy.

So, after a traumatic history with goldfish, I think it's probably best to leave them well alone.

No, at the moment, the most promising idea looks to be a miniature horse.

Aaaah, aren't they cool?

(Although this one looks suspiciously like it's murdered its stable-mate…)

Anyway, I might have to look into the miniture horse market a little more. Mr Chunt reckons I should buy six and recreate the chariot race from Ben Hur in my living room.

Mmmm… biscuits…

Upon discovering today that my baps had gone mouldy (I suspect it was something to do with the hot weather and keeping them in a filing cabinet), I had to resort to a quick alternative lunch courtesy of the cornershop formerly known as Bob's.

Thus I found myself with a Mars milk, a tiramasu-flavoured Kit-Kat, and a packet of bog-standard digestive biscuits.

Now, I must admit I don't really think the digestive biscuit is held in quite as high regard as I think it should be. This biscuit has something for everyone across its four varieties; milk chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, and the good ol' bog-standard version. Chocolate on a biscuit is always a good thing, so I don't think I need to go too in-depth on the qualities of those versions. And despite initial reservations about the caramel digestive, I was soon won over; it strikes just about the right balance between being too gooey and not gooey enough, and the caramel has the additional benefit of increasing the biscuit's structural integrity when you dunk it in a cup of tea; it is, quite frankly, the biscuit of choice for dunkers everywhere.

Sadly, I think the bog-standard edition is somewhat overlooked in this day and age. According to the wrapper, each biscuit contains just 70 calories, and is a "great source of fibre." Crikey! It practically counts as one of the five portions of fruit and veg I should eat each day.

With that in mind, I downed seven (just to be on the safe side).

In all honesty, the digestive biscuit is a versatile little bugger, unlike, say, the Jaffa Cake; the original orange version remains without peer, but have you tried the new blackcurrent flavour? I really wanted to like them, but the whole thing seemed a tad half-arsed. Without the smashing orangey bit, the blackcurrent JC is like watching your favourite singer take a stab at acting - you really want them to be great, but they just end up looking a bit embarrassed and rubbish. Don't even get me going on the lemon and lime version.

(Oh, and for those who are still debating whether Jaffa Cakes are a cake or a biscuit, it's called a friggin' Jaffa CAKE. And by their very nature, biscuits sink in tea; Jaffa Cakes float. If it's a biscuit it's a witch biscuit, and thus deserves to die. End of story)

So there you have it, the digestive biscuit. A national treasure. And - damn! - I left half a packet in my desk at work. It's now after 11pm and I'm debating whether to drive back to Hammersmith to get them.

I'm bricking it!

This movie looks fantastic - so that's what Yaz and I are getting up to tomorrow evening.

With a bit of luck I'll be out of work a good hour or so before the film starts, so we can make use of the garden out the back of Starbucks in Shepherds Bush to chill out in the warm weather London's experiencing at the mo', and down a few too many grande mistos; the film looks very complex, and the caffeine will keep me alert so I don't miss anything.

VERY alert.

Maybe I should go venti. Do Starbucks do anything bigger than that?

Stick with me, it leads to an obvious punchline

So today, or yesterday, or sometime this week (to be honest I don't really care), Sony and Nintendo have unveiled/will unveil their new uber-consoles, the PlayStation 3 and the, er, Wii (yes, I expect you can see where I'm, going with this).

Now it's actually been a long time since I've dedicated my life to any video games; Gran Turismo 4 on the PS2 was the last one I played, only giving up when some bastard in a souped-up NSX kept beating me on the last lap of a pivotal race.

Back in the day though - queue misty flashback sequence - I was one of those tubby little kids with semi-transparent skin who sat in front of the telly wasting the vast percentage of his life on some pointless computer game. I think at one point I actually went about a month without actually blinking. And I still get a bit nostalgic when someone mentions Treasure Island Dizzy.

*Sigh*

Anyway, I now find myself actually considering making a 'next-gen' purchase at some point. The reason being is this:

A new freakin' Star Trek game. (Yes, i'm a nerd!!!)

The thing is, it's on Xbox 360 only. And that thing is friggin' huge. Apparently, it also appears to be powered by a Rolls Royce jet engine.

So, Star Trek aside, what about the PS3? Well I'm sure the inevitable Gran Turismo sequel will be nice an' all, but ... the console looks like a damned Brevill sandwich maker for crying out loud, and they'll be tears if I try to make a panini in it.

That leaves Nintendo's new machine, with it's intriguingly-shaped wand-style controller. But will this unique selling point help Nintendo succeed where the Gamecube sorta failed?

I suppose the question I'm asking is this:

...

...

Is anyone busting for a Wii?

The seven o'clock muse

Thanks to XFM, I got to hear the new Muse track, Supermassive Black Hole, today.

First off - that is a cracking song title, so I was expecting it to be a bit of a corker.

But then, on first listen, I sort of thought "Hmmm...?", as I'm wont to think at a lot of things. Plug in Baby it ain't.

Hmmm...

But, by 'eck, it's a definite grower, I'll say that much. A bit funky. My ass was inclined to shake. Just a little, mind. I rarely dance in the office.

Still, as much as I like it, it didn't stop me from texting Simon (who is a ma-hoo-sive Muse fan) to tell him that it sounded like the Scissor Sisters, which, I think, probably scared the tits off him.

Whinge, whinge, moan, moan

Ouch.

I've got a serious crik in my neck having slept in an awkward position saturday night. And I know I slept in an awkward position because I woke up in such a bizarrely contorted pose sunday morning that I half expected to find a police officer drawing an outline around me.

Seriously, it shouldn't be possible for two arms, two legs, and a head to be arranged as mine were unless you've been slapped around a bit by an angry grizzly.

Ooo ... I hope I'm not dead.

Nah!

Anyway, it's put paid to any plans I'd had for training for the run over the last couple of days (honestly!), and it's also put paid to any attempts I might've made at looking at the world around me; I have no idea what's going on to my left or right unless I twist my entire torso, which just looks silly. Now I know how Michael Keaton felt when he wore the Batsuit.

Still, it's slowly been getting better throughout today. And I've just consoled myself with a couple of M&S's BBQ biscuits, which are full of gooey marshmellows and chocolate.

So now I have a sore neck and chocolate all over my face.

Everyone has something to say

Since I started this blog, I've found myself taking a good look at those run by other people (and NO, not always because I'm surfing for Blogexplosion credits...).

And quite frankly I'm amazed. Everyone has something to say, something interesting and profound.

There are so many blogs out there dealing with such delicate issues as religion, politics, and spirituality.

Well, I too have something to say, something that I think ranks up there among those all-important topics.

...

...

...

ISN'T THE SECOND SEASON OF ONE TREE HILL JUST DIRE?! I mean, really, REALLY, just hideous?!

GEEZ!!! I feel I've wasted a good 10 hours of my life just to get to the middle of the season – and what for?! To see Sophia Bush dressed as a friggin' crab!!!!

GOD!! Aaaw! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, NO WONDER IT's BEEN BANISHED TO 8:50 ON A SUNDAY MORNING!!!!!!

SOMEBODY PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY!!!!!!

(Or does it get better in Season Three? Lemme know if I should stick with it - cheers!)

Snap happy

So I've decided: the new phone is maybe the best thing I've ever bought (aside from my car, my house, my favourite pair of jeans, my Deth Killers of Bushwick t-shirt, and - ooo - the super syrup puddings I picked up in M&S the other day…)

Anyway, yeah, it's great!

So, I'm still playing around with the camera, which, as I mentioned earlier, can actually take a picture bigger than this: .

Popped round to see the family today (no, not the mafia), and while showing off the sexy mobile, I took a picture of my brother; but not any ordinary picture! No, this one was like one of those stupid photos of animals taken with a fisheye lens. Y'know, a bit like this.

We had a good laugh about it, and I thought - note that I say 'thought,' NOT 'said' – "ha ha, this'll make a great blog entry…"

In an instant the laughter stopped. Simon's head snapped round, and, I'm sure in violation of some sort of UN directive, he lent in close, violating my personal space.

"You post that on your blog and I'll kill you."

DAMN!

Orf to the cinema

It's a Thursday-Friday movie double-bill for me.

Tonight: Slither.

Tomorrow: Mission: Impossible III

Who will emerge victorious? A tiny slimy life form intent on spreading its insidious alien influence, or the CGI slugs from Slither?

Text addict

Anyone who knows me knows that I very rarely call. No, I text.

A lot.

Yes, my name is Tim, and I text like a teenage girl on speed.

So I expect you can sympathise with me when I tell you that the keypad on my trusty Nokia something-something-10 got a little knacked and started playing havoc with my text life. No longer could I call Yaz a bitch in everyday conversation; she quickly became a 'citag,' which is amusing but doesn't quite have the same punch to it.

Enough was enough. I got fed up with stuck keys archiving messages I wanted to send, and sending messages to people I didn't want to send them to. It was time for a new phone.

Hello Moto.

Yes, after seven years, I've jumped the good ship Nokia for a Motorola. It has a camera and everything (no doubt that means they'll be LOTS of inane photos springing up around here sooner rather than later). More importantly, I once again have the ability to text the word 'bitch.'

But that's not the best part of it: that, my friends, is that it is a flip-top phone.

I'll look like Captain Kirk when I open it.

I've been waiting for this moment since I was seven.

I've got the runs!

Regular readers will know that I've foolishly signed up for a 10k run towards the end of June, and have been training hard over the last couple of months. And by training hard I mean that I did a few runs, thought "blimey, this is a bit tiring," and decided to watch some episodes of The OC instead.

Anyway, I went for another practise run with Sweatband, my comrade in public displays of heavy breathing on Saturday morning, and while we posted a decent time for a 5k-ish distance, she still thinks I'm a filthy slacker who is going to feign a broken leg to get out of it.

DAMN! She's seen through my cunning plan!

(I should explain that Sweatband is a bit hardcore; she's just entered the Great Northern Run for crying out loud. I swear she'd run past Paula Radcliffe and push the big cry-baby over into a puddle of her own piss)

So, today, Sweatband has been giving me a bit of grief. Think of it as her being Supernanny, and me being the foul-mouthed, crying, snot-nosed brat who has been banished to the naughty step. To be honest though, I think she's got a point. I have been slacking a little lately, and I do think I should get back into the flow of it.

Actually, I was just thinking about it while I ate my southern fried chicken and chips. And I thought about it a bit more while I polished off that golden syrup pudding from M&S (two for 99p - bargain!).

I might even think about it while I'm watching the telly later.

Oh bugger it - the gym it is then.

Bah!

Girls, girls, girls!

About a year ago I went speed-dating.

Not out of desperation, I should say. It's just ... well, I was intrigued, and I thought it might be fun. And it was a bit of a bargain for 20 quid, to be honest. That's 50p a lady, don't you know.

Hmmm...

OK, so it was a bit of a laugh. Except for that wild-eyed middle-aged woman who wanted to take me to a Bon Jovi concert. Oh, and that mad posh woman who asked me, in all seriousness, what my "five favourite sunsets" were.

Wha...?

Oh... yeah, there were actually a lot of, how should I put this ... "ladies of the more advanced years?" Nope... "generationally-challenged?" No... "coffin-dodgers?" Absolutely not!

OK - more mature ladies! That'll do. There were a fair few mature ladies there – and Wayne Rooney I ain't, so I left with a smattering of 'friends' and 'maybes' ticked off on my card. Thankfully, I never saw any of them again.

The point is, as part of the speed-dating event, I got, and continue to get, emails offering 'Ladies in my area.' (Queue Kenneth Williams-esque "oh, really," or a Sid James-stylee "heh heh" depending on your mood)

Now, you'd think I'd click the 'unsubscribe' link on these emails, but, y'see, they're a bit car-crash-esque. You can't help but look and be fascinated by what's contained within. David Attenborough would have a field day:

"I WOULD LIKE TO MEET A MAN WHO WILL PUT UP WITH MY MOODS AND TREAT ME LIKE A PRINCESS I LIKE TRAVELING AND EATING AND CLUBBIN AND WOULD LIKE A CAREER IN THE MEDIA."

Christ, use your indoor voice, shouty.

"Im an esy going gal who wld lke a man who wil supris me all the tme, tke me to nice plces, & is sxy, advntrous, and wil get along wit me."

No, love, you need a friggin' spell-checker.

Hilariously, each entry is accompanied by a photo of the girl in question, in which they usually look like they're crying into their Campari, about to flash their boobs, or in a police line-up.

I look forward to these emails every week!

Look who's stalking!

First of all: forgive me. If you've never watched Star Trek, or are not inclined to exhibiting nerdlinger tendencies, probably best to click the little 'next blog' button just up there in the top righthand corner.

Still here? Don't come crying to me when it all goes horribly wrong then...

OK! What have I done today? Heck, I've been to Milton Keynes to hobnob with the stars of Star Trek! And by 'hobnob,' I mean queue up for their autographs with everyone else at the spectacular Collectormania 9!!!

Excitement, she wrote.

The good thing about this event is that you're not stranded in the middle of nowhere; if you get bored you can just wander off round the shopping centre. Sorry, Centre:MK, as it's known. Ooo, trendy. No...? Hmmm...

To be honest, this is the third time I've been, accompanied once again by Mr. Marcosy. The fact that it's in a shopping centre has the additional benefit in that it's very difficult to get barred from it, which, after the little incident last year when Marcosy tried to ask Battlestar Galactica's Katie Sackhoff to spit her chewing gum into his hand, looked to be a distinct possibility at one point.

So who was I stalki- erm, looking for today? Why, Jonathan Frakes, LeVar Burton, and Kate Mulgrew!

I couldn't resist mentioning to The Mulgrew about Lee's filthy attempt to touch her just over a week ago. I swear at one point she was either poised to press a panic button or reach for a phaser, but, bless 'er, she took it all in her stride and kept smiling.

What a gal!

Frakesy was next. A top bloke, it must be said, and rather bullish when I asked him his thoughts on the next movie. Fighting talk from TNG - go Frakesy, go Frakesy!!

LeVar Burton was also great, though he seemed to be in the middle of trying to learn cockney rhyming slang when I approached him. I didn't have the heart to ask him how he felt about the fact that most fans consider Nemesis to be "a bit pony." Maybe next time. I wouldn't want to get in any Barney Rubble.
LeVar also wrote 'peace' on the picture he signed for me. I wasn't actually aware that I was at war with LeVar Burton, but, LeVar, if you're reading this: I except your surrender.

So, all in all, a bank holiday well wasted. Um, spent, I mean!