Friday, October 12, 2007


I think I finally decided that humanity is a lost cause this week. Why, you ask? Because I think this week more than any other I've just seen people go completely off-their-tits insane at other people. I've seen some old bloke riding one of those electric buggy things down the wrong side of the road, and when a woman on a bike said he should get on the pavement he called her a "f**king bitch" and flipped her the bird. I've seen a man on a bike shout swearily at a pedestrian for daring to step out onto a pedestrian crossing. And then there's the people who are just being stupid - stepping out into the road without looking, then not apologising when a car has to make an emergency stop; I think I've seen at least five near-misses this week.

Most annoying, though, are the people that appear to have lost all sense of spatial awareness. Seriously, during my lunchtime walks to Hammersmith I've realised that I ALWAYS have to step aside when people are walking towards me; there's no more mutual side-stepping - they just barrel towards me without a care in the world. Maybe I've turned invisible? Today alone, within the space of just one minute I experienced the two most severe instances of this; the first occurred as I walked towards a woman who was describing something to her friend with particularly extravagant flourishes of her arms. I had to leap into the road when a particular flourish as I neared her could've ended up in her bitch-slapping me into the path of an oncoming bus.

The next one was even worse - some young woman just kept walking towards me, and because I was walking next to a wall I had nowhere to step aside to. And what did she do? She rammed into me with her freakin' big handbag! Bee-yatch! She literally made no effort to move even a small amount. She didn't even scowl or attempt to call me anything. It was almost as if I wasn't there.

That being the case, if I see her again I'm going to trip her up.


Sweatband and I went for our first run together in ages last night. It was awesome - I totally whupped her. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I was about 20 metres out in front at one point. She seriously wasn't impressed - especially when an ambulance zoomed past us and I said I'd called it for her.


Anyway, turns out she might need me to cat-sit the delightful Jude again in the next couple of weeks. Last time I looked after the little bugger he was awesome, but this time might be a little more, um, trying. First of all, Sweatband's bought him a new little bed, and apparently he likes it rather a lot. Sweatband used the word "intimate" at one point. Secondly, I think he likes me. He kept making excuses for walking over me, then cuddled up next to me.

I never thought I'd have to let a cat down with the line "look, I'm really flattered, but…"


Plans for the weekend? Not much! After last weeks freelance-writing fest, and a few evenings that have turned out busier than I planned, I'm thinking I might go for the lots of reading, lots of napping, lots of sitting around in my pants kind of thing. I've also got the urge to watch Star Trek VI, and I might plonk a load of songs on my iTunes (been listening to David Bowie's 'Hours…' album and was horrified to realise I'd not ripped it yet).

Oh, and I've also got a decorator coming round to look at my wood - on the house, you perverts!


Tara said...

First! Um..woo hoo! :D Now what was I going to say here? Oh yeah, next time take a duffel bag with you loaded with bricks and see if you can run into that woman who ran you into the wall. She won't think you're invisible then. Oh and Jude is a beautiful cat. Is he the one who tore up a toy of his in front of you that one time?

T-Bird said...

I don't know whether people are getting ruder or it goes in cycles. I think all it takes is for someone to break one chain of rudeness. For example, someone pushes you. You get the shits. You barge someone else on the road without thinking. They get the shits and push someone else.

It's a cosmic chain of rudness. And yes, this is a highly scientamific and therefore likely theory.

Seriously, how can we not be pervs with comments like that? What did that dancing with the stars judge say?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I don't know how it works in Australaylia T-Bird, but people generally don't suddenly fill their pants with diarrhoea (I'm sorry to say that I had to look up the spelling) after getting barged in Britland. Good thing too, judging my Tim's experiences. He'd be a very messy, stinky boy, otherwise.

* puts on overalls and loads Broom up with wood primer & paint, plus a little something for 'afterwards' *

Tim said...

Tara - And you're in with the FIRST! Good work! That's a good idea with the bricks; blatantly just pushing her over would also work. Unleash the fury!!!

Yes, Jude's a little cutie. I think he'll be fine!

T-Bird - Interesting theory! Well the cosmic chain stops her - after I've pushed that woman over, that is. And given her diarrhea.

Inexplicable Device - Erm, when did I become 'your Tim?'

T-Bird said...

IDV I had to stop and think "does rudness mean runny poo?". And then the penny dropped. Getting the shits means being annoyed. I thought that term was universal? No?

Tim, you push that lady over and give her diarrhea so bad she'll lose consciousness, thus breaking the cosmic chain of events.

And when weren't IDV's Tim?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Unfortunately T-Bird, to get/have 'The Shits' here, means runny poo city! Although, I did know what you meant - I was just being a pedantic sod. Again.

Yes, Tim. When weren't you mine? I was going to say that I must've accidently pressed 'm' instead of 'b', but I think one of the SubC's stepped in and did it on purpose.

Tim said...

T-Bird - I will! If I can remember what she looks like…

Inexplicable Device - I am nobody's bitch!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You keep telling yourself that.

* plucks effigy from shelf and does unspeakable things to it *

Tim said...


*huddles in the shower, crying*

T-Bird said...

Oh, there there! It was just an effigy!

Although when people say effigy, I automaticall think of Wicker Man... in which case, you stay in that shower Timothy!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Don't worry - It was just The Host's SubC playing up again. Honestly, that one's got more smut than a very smutty thing.

We're going out into the garden now to do some non smutty/pervy/innuendo-y things.

* puts somewhat damp^ effigy back on shelf and goes outside *

^ damp from feedback of Tim getting in shower. Not from any unpleasantness by IDV & assorted SubC's.

Tim said...

I feel so very violated…

T-Bird said...

For reals?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Yeah, for reals? You see, I've misplaced one of the SubC's...

Tim said...

Are you two conspiring against me?!