Monday, May 21, 2007

Sparky's speed-dating malarkey

Seeing as absolutely everyone demanded it, here is the story of what happened when I went speed-dating. Oh, first, let's get this straight - this all happened about three years ago.

So, basically, I went along with a couple of mates for a laugh. There were more girls than guys, so I thought that was automatically a bonus. It was held in a bar in Richmond, and the idea was that you got two minutes with each girl/woman (the ages ranged quite dramatically from, say, 19 to what appeared to be 50-odd. Apparently there's a growing market for toy boys), and then you marked down on a card whether they were a 'yes,' 'no,' or 'friend.' It was rather like bingo but without the possibility of a cash prize.

So anyway, us boys had to do all the moving around, which was a bit of a pain, and the further round you got the drunker and older the women got. And I'll be blatently honest, there were some monsters there. I remember one woman who was about 20 years older than me asked what I liked doing, and I said "going to gigs," and she said "awesome!" in that kind of embarrassing why that older people do when they're trying to act young, and then suggested that we could go to a Bon Jovi gig together sometime because she loved Jon Bon Jovi. I smiled, and moved on.

So at the end of the evening I had a card full of 'friends,' which was just a polite way of saying 'no,' and that was without even getting to meet all the ladies. We ran out of time, you see, which was a bit of a pisser because there was actually one girl - girl number one - who I thought looked rather lovely.

In the days after the event, you had to upload all your 'yeses,' 'noses,' and 'friendeses' to the speed-dating website, which then cross-referenced all the data and let you know which monsters liked you, or just wanted to be your friend. The future Mrs Bon Jovi wanted to be my friend. I did not, however, want to be hers. On the other hand, it was quite a stroke to the ego to see that quite a lot of the ladies had marked me down as a 'yes.' Rawr!

Having not had the chance to meet girl number one, I threw a mild strop and decided that I didn't want anything more to do with it, though.

And then…

About a week later, I got an email from a girl who'd been there, but hadn't had the chance to meet. She was not, alas, the elusive girl number one, but did say that I'd spoken to one of her friends and she'd reported back that I was lovely. Well, duuuuuh.

So for the next couple of weeks we emailed back and forth, and got on quite well. Then she told me that she wanted to meet me. However would I recognise her, though? And then she dropped the following bombshell:

"My friends tell me I look like Elizabeth Hurley."


So we arranged to meet up. Things did not start well.

She did not look like Elizabeth Hurley.

She looked like Carol Smiley.

I was told to expect:

And I got:

Carol frikkin' Smiley.

Now, before you all start accusing me of just going on looks alone, let me tell you that the evening completely died on its arse. We had nothing in common; she had no interest in what I did, I had no interest in what she did, there were long, awkward pauses, and she kept ordering the most expensive drink on the menu and not getting a round in herself. I was not amused. We departed promising to get in touch and meet up again, and quite tellingly neither one of us bothered.

And do you know what the worst thing was? About a year later I logged into the speed-dating website for a laugh, and super hot girl number one had emailed me shortly after I'd logged in for the last time post-'the event' to say she would've liked to meet up.


So, anyone wondering why I was dressed as Superman/mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent over the weekend? No, it's not something I do when I'm spending the night in on my own - I went to the 20th anniversary party for They Walk Among Us, the comic shop I go to!

Look with your eyes!

This is me with Jon, who owns the shop and tolerates me going in and spending an inordinate amount of time just hanging around there on a Thursday evening. Embarrassingly, I rained on his parade a little bit by wearing exactly the same costume. In my defense, I hastily claimed to have gone as the Earth-Two Superman. Plus, he has glasses which showed a bit more dedication.

There are more photos here, but there's very little variation in the pose I'm striking throughout.


Oh iTunes, how witty you are! I was listening to my music library on shuffle yesterday, and it followed up a Michael Jackson song with Kate Bush's 'The Man with the Child in his Eyes.'

How I laughed!


Dinah said...

I love when my iTunes shows off his cheeky side.

Great speed-dating story. Maybe you and Table number one will cross paths again someday.

And I like the shirt ripping even more in context...not that it doesn't stand on its own.

Tara said...

Well hell I'd love if friends said I looked like Elizabeth Hurley, but I don't see that happening. That's a long shot for most people, I think. I'm sorry it didn't work out with Liz/Carol. Wow, only two minutes at each table? I guess they lean the most on first impressions!

Those photos are great, it looked like a fun night!

Tim said...

Dinah - Holy crap - I've just read back through this post and it kinda makes me sound like a look-obsessed monster! I didn't quite mean it like that. Basically, I meant that there was no one there that I connected with, because they were either desperados or wanting to take me to Bon Jovi concerts.

I'd totally recommend speed-dating for a laugh, but I definitely wouldn't take it seriously. There were some people there who were speed-dating obsessed pros!

I think I'm over girl number one now. It took a long time... *sniff* ... but I think it's over.

The shirt-ripping, in contrast, was a top evening!

Tara - What's surprising was that two minutes often seemed like too much!! You pretty much knew within a couple of seconds if you were interested; there was one woman who demanded to know what my top seven sunsets were. I was put off by her attitude, so explained that there was only one sun for us to enjoy. She didn't like that and we spent about a minute sitting in silence!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Uh oh. More pics of Tim.

Must. Not. Be. Lascivious...

* ahem *

Did the Honey Monster go to the speed dating thingy? Or any other well known monsters? Dr. Frankenstein's, for instance?

Oh, those mischievious iTunes!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I forgot this:

* hands over bill for cleaning soiled red carpet *

Tim said...

My god. You are ever so slightly obsessed.

Anyway, erm, yes - Godzilla was there, but she couldn't pick up her drink or make her scorecard because of her tiny arms.

I believe I've addressed your latter point elsewhere!

BSH said...

Humm... how much more time do you need than two minutes?

A minute of intercourse with a lady (verbal) followed by a minute of awkward silence before moving on to the next one - that sounds like my usual night out!

Wouldn't it be more appropriate if iTunes had thrown-up Michael Jackson followed by Kate Bush's "The Man with the Child on his Thighs", given MJ's checkered past?

"I''m forever blowing bubbles"
Yes Michael, you probably will be...

Tim said...

I think it should be changed so you sit down in front of them, and immediately have to choose yes or no. Why dilly-dally around? First impressions are important, and quite frankly my attention span drifts horrifically after two minu-

Oh, hello! Where was I? Oh, yes: I don't want to think about anything on MJ's thighs. Actually, the mighty Bush did a song called 'Sat in your Lap.'

skillz said...

"And I'll be blatently honest, there were some monsters there."

I literally spat my chips out at that one.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

She should've brought Godzuki along for the menial stuff!

And, Skillz: I wouldn't worry. Tim's already covered in puke - He's not going to care about semi-masticated chips.

Tim said...

Skillz - Dude, you should've been there! I felt pretty much violated when Grandma invited me to Bon Jovi with her. Seriously, if you've never done it, I recommend that you do, if only because a) it's a bit of a laugh, and b) you'll know never to go again.

In related news: Spookily, the speed-dating company emailed me just yesterday to say that I'd not used their service in a while (it was two years ago - I checked!), and they've given me a months free membership! Eek!!

Inexplicable Device - Godzuki rocked. I would definitely have marked Godzuki down as a 'yes.'

In related news: how awesome does my white shirt look? I should totally wear it more often.

skillz said...

It'd only be wasted on me if I went, all I'd do is tick yes to everyone.

In fact, if you go again just take my pre-yessed card in for me whilst I just stay home and watch West Wing.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Are you trying to make me revoke your Honourable Mention prize by saying 'wear', when you actually mean 'half-wear', knowing full well that it looks awesome?

Well, it won't work, Timothy. I have a will of steel!



::pssst:: This is the Host: Yes you should totally wear it more often. Rawrrr!



What the...?

:: Ha ha! Too late! I've already pressed publish, IDV!

Tim said...

Skillz - Erm, least likely scenario number #1: me going speed-dating again!

Just post your bingo card in!

Inexplicable Device - It's only half-wearing if there's nothing on beneath, and I'm clearly Superman'd up beneath. I stand by my wear!

inexplicable device said...

Good. Excellent. Ummm... Yes.

::Bah! Foiled again::

Dinah said...

remember when you posted your sticky fingers-esque birthday invite? That was good times.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Yes, consider yourself foiled!

Dinah - Are you getting all nostalgic there?

Laurence6261 said...

and what pray tell is wrong with dating Carol Smillie at least she's a woman of style and sophistication and not some air head whos only famuos for being and idots on and ff girl friend who was caught getting blow job from hooker, give me Carol Smillie any day.

Tim said...

There's nothing wrong with Carol, I just view her as something of a mumsy figure. And I didn't want to date a mumsy figure. Same goes for Fern Brittain - lovely woman, but wouldn't exactly want to date her.