Friday, May 04, 2007

The wench of Twickenham

Well, this evening turned into something of an event.

At the beginning of the week Yaz and I planned a jaunt to the cinema to see Spider-Man 3, but today a new plan took form: we decided to go to Twickenham because Capital Radio were broadcasting from a pub on the green. The added benefit of this was that Yaz didn't finish work until 17:30, Spidey didn't start until 19:00, and it's about two and a half hours long. And as Yaz was a bit frazzled after a busy day we thought a nice drink and a bit of a chillout might be quite, well, nice.


The journey from Hammersmith to Twickenham was pretty good, despite the fact that we left in the midst of the rush hour and that Yaz had to do some pretty awesome driving to continue following behind me (she nicely cut-up a BMW at one point by basically swinging in towards him - ha!). But the real drama took place when we got to Twickenham Green.

We drove down one side of the green, past a gold - well, metallic beige - Honda, and found a big space. I parked up, reversed, and Yaz parked in front of me. Next thing I know the metallic beige Honda has pulled up beside Yaz and the driver is talking to her. Then, the Honda drives around the green, and comes back round to park up outside a house. And suddenly a tubby middle-aged woman in a business suit is walking over to us.

Ooof! She launched into this huge diatribe about how we "drove past her" when she was clearly "indicating to pull out," and how she lived there and she could never get a parking space and how we KNEW she was going to park there and we maliciously stole her spot.

Let me stop here to tell you that Yaz is the kindest, friendliest person I know, and while this woman was exploding, she was doing her utmost to calm her down.

Then – BAM!

Yaz held her arms out wide, stepped closer to the mouthy wench, did a head wobble and shouted "MAYBE WE COULD TALK ABOUT THIS SENSIBLY IF YOU'D STOP VERBALLY HARRASSING ME!" She was this close to giving the woman snaps in the face.

Mouthy wench paused momentarily, then launched again. But Yaz was well up for the challenge and by god she GAVE. And when the woman stormed off, Yaz followed her; in fact, I thought she was going to roundhouse her rude adversary. The thing is, though, even the woman's teenage kid was telling his mum to shut up. We thought about inviting him to join us in the pub.

Anyway, Yaz scowled a few more times, and we went to the pub where she decided to bypass diet coke in favour of the full strength stuff. Believe me when I say there was fire in her eyes. By this time the radio show had finished, so we went to the beer garden where the engineers were taking everything down, and where I tried to calm Yaz down. Eventually, after a multitude of swears, she saw the funny side and the true weekend chill commenced.

The thing is, I can completely understand parking hassles, and I was going to offer the wench my space until she started mouthing off at my friend. The bitch!


Incredible development at work, people! For some reason, what looks to be Klingon symbols have been seared into the driveway leading to the office!

They weren't there on Sunday when I went into work, but had mysteriously appeared on Monday morning. Ooo…! Isn't that amazing? Prepare for the invasion, you patahks!?


T-Bird said...

Personally, I'd be looking for beige Hondas passing by your office. You never know who might be a Klingon in disguise.

The the angry lady have any prominent head ridges?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Qa'pla for getting the silly cow's (alledged) space!

missy&chrissy said...

i wish you and yaz had snapped in her face!

Tim said...

T-Bird - She did have a rather prominent forehead, but then again, she also reminded me a little of Danny DeVito as the penguin in Batman Returns, albeit with blonde hair.

Inexplicable Device - Yeah, um, kerplunk!

Missy&Chrissy - Don't worry - we know where she lives so we can just go back and *snaps* in her face whenever we feel like it.

Actually, how cool would it be to knock on her door at midnight, *snaps* her, and walk off without any explanation? Heh heh…

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* sniggers at the thought of Worf saying kerplunk before downing a glass of prune juice *

Tim said...

Can't say anything saucy about prune juice, huh?

skillz said...

The parking story sounds like that advert for the army where the Nigerian fella is giving abuse to the army man, and the army man calms him down by taking his sunglasses off.

Except the calming down part.

M&J said...


Why am I here? I clicked that link of yours completely by accident.

I think that IVF's up to some spooky shite again.

But now I'm here, I might as well leave a comment.

*waves at IVF*

Much better class of writing here too. Makes a nice change from all that nonsense over at IVF's.

Tim said...

Skillz - There was NO calming down. I actually forget to say that Yaz called the woman a "F**king wench" to her face. I really don't think taking off a pair of sunglasses would've dissolved the conflict. In fact, it might've made it look like we were getting ready to fight.

M&J - Hello! Is he up to spooky shite again? Oh, hang on, when ISN'T he up to spooky shite? It's either that or putting leaflets through my door or cleaning my windows.

Goddammit IVF, my windows are clean!

Bless you for saying it's a better class of writing here; I'd like to say it's true, but sadly I think it was probably a one-off!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* waves back at Tazzy & Pigg... I mean Martin & John - with a window squeegee *

Tim said...

Oh, was that Tazzy and Piggy? I didn't notice because they didn't call you a swear! Muwahahaha!

You've missed a bit. Concentrate on your squeegeeing goddammit!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oops, sorry! You try washing windows while perched on a broom!

M&J are good boys really. Well, the first time anyway, now they've been here once, they may come again spewing swears!

Tim said...

There is a bit of a breeze today, you're probably swaying all over the place. But I'm not paying for substandard squeegeeing!

M&J are more than welcome to come back - swears 'n all!

iPandah said...

Did you end up seeing Spiderman 3?

I wish I had something witty to say, but I'm too tired....yawn....zzzzzzz

Tim said...

Nah, not yet. I think the current plan is to go on Orange Wednesday!

Have you been taking piriton?

iPandah said...

Yes actually, but it doesn't make me drowsy. In fact, it wasn't the Piriton that made you drowsy, it was the mystery tablet, so stop dissin' the 'ton!! Unless I read it wrong of course. Which I could have, I am a moron at times.

Can I just say 'ceunt' is my word verification today. Why do I seem to get the naughty ones? It's nearly naughty.

Tim said...

The mystery tablet was a piriton! I took it from a piriton box! And, because I don't learn from my mistakes I took another one the next day.

I feel so stupid.

They've never effected me in that way before!

Why is that word naughty?