Thursday, November 20, 2008

Short cuts

My journey into work at the moment is a bit of a nightmare because they're doing some essential gas works just off Kew Bridge (either that or they're waging a secret war against the massive man-eating spiders). What makes it more ridiculous, though, is the fact that the roadworks are actually on the other side of the road and shouldn't really have any effect on my journey - the queues are basically formed by people slowing down to look in the massive hole in the road. I've never quite understood the whole slowing down to stare in a hole thing. It's just weird.

Anyway, that, believe it or not, is not the worst thing about it. The worst thing about it is that there's a big sign by the massive hole in the road that everyone slows down to look in that says 'DANGER: DEEP EXCAVATION!' And every time I see that, the horrendous East 17 song 'Deep' starts playing in my head and I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP!!!

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The chip shop near the office, never known for its stunning grasp of the English language, has a new listing on its menu:

Chicken Nugget

I know there's a credit crunch on and everything, but couldn't they at least stretch to two?

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I received an email today from a friend and former colleague (whose name I shall not reveal, although Marcosy, Watch*Paint*Dry, and Willowc will know who it is the moment they read it) that said:

How's things going? I was just thinking about you the other day (not while I was w*nking, honest!).

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We were having an interesting discussion in the office the other day about whether prostitution should be legalised. The general consensus was that it would probably make sense because a) it would mean better and safer working conditions for those involved, and b) the government could tax it. This got me thinking about how you would go about establishing and promoting a legitimate prostitution business (I didn't have much work to do that day, clearly).

I always think it's important for businesses to have a good name - something that sounds classy and instills a sense of trust in customers, which led me to devise the following two names for a brothels:

• Whore D'oeuvre (definitely classy, I think you'll agree)
• Starf*cks

I believe the latter has better potential, especially for franchising. Imagine this: a Starf*cks on every corner! If you're in the mood, just pop in and choose from tall or grande, with or without cream, and for a small additional fee you can have an extra shot. Hell, they'll even grind your beans.

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I've just been to Westfield, the massive new shopping centre in Shepherds Bush, again, and it's quite clearly festive action stations a-go-go! There're loads of Christmas trees around, and twinkly lights everywhere. In other news, I'm convinced they keep moving the shops around just to confuse me.

Look at the pretty lights!

What's also quite impressive is the fact that Superman's Fortress of Solitude appears to have plonked itself down in the middle of the centre.

Kal-El's house of capes and tights, inc.

So, the burning question of the day is: on this, my third visit to the biggest inner-city shopping centre in Europe, did I finally spend some money?! It was a question I was pondering myself while I bought a chocolate hob-nob milkshake at Shakebout. Good god their shakes are awesome. I'm beginning to think everything tastes better blended up. I wonder if I could blend a roast dinner…

Anyway, did I spend? Damn right I did! And what did I buy? Eight pints of milk, some chunky chips and some sea salt and black pepper chicken. Hmmm. Not exactly an auspicious start to my Westfield shopping history, but a man needs to eat. On the downside, the chicken did look a bit like something you'd feed a dog, but on the plus side it tasted great.

Hopefully next time I'll start buying clothes, books, and other quality shit I don't need.

16 comments:

Tara said...

A person in the prostitution business would have to come up with a classy job title for their resume, too. "Personal Escort" I guess could work..or "Intimate Affairs Coordinator"?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ooh, I *do* like Whore d'oeuvre, but you're right in your marketing potential for Starf*cks.

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I was just about to protest that I've never worked with you, then I noticed the 'not'...

Was that too creepy?

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Did you see Top Gear the other day when Jeremy Clarkson made a raw beef smoothy with a V8 blender? You should get one. It was a bit noisy & messy, though.

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WV is exparp. I don't want to hear anyone parp, least of all my ex. Yuk.

Tim said...

Tara - Intimate Affairs Coordinator! Ha! That's brilliant!!

Inexplicable Device - Eeeugh! DIRTY! Top Gear? Don't watch it - I hate Clarkson. I'm not sure I like the sound of a meat smoothy either. Ex parping? Gosh, that was over quickly, wasn't it?

CyberPete said...

Were you planning on doing a chunky chips smoothie?

Tim said...

Cyberpete - With the chicken as well? I think you're on to something!

T-Bird said...

Eight pints? Didn't you lot go metric yet?!

Tim said...

Yes we did, but I'm a rebel.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I meant to ask: How long does it take you to get through 8 pints of milk, as it sure is a lot?

T-Bird said...

Ewww. I clicked on the East 17 link. I hate you forever now. I'm not going to be able to get it out of my head. I couldn't when it came out, and now I'm going to read your blog and any comments you make on others' and hear this music.

Yep. This song is now Tim's soundtrack.

CyberPete said...

You.must.try.it.

E-17 were fantastic

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Well, I usually buy six pints, but they didn't have one of those so I had to buy two fours. That'll see me through to about this time next week.

I drink a lot of milk.

T-Bird - SHARE MY PAIN!!!

Cyberpete - No they weren't.

CyberPete said...

Apart from the fashion don't issue they were.

The only lyrics of theirs I can remember though are the ones to Stay Another Day.

Tim said...

Stop right there and REMOVE them from your brain!

T-Bird said...

So, Tim. I was thinking about you the other day...

Tim said...

Intriguing and/or dirty.

T-Bird said...

I wasn't wanking - honest!