And so it begins

As some of you might be aware, it's my *shhhhh* birthday next week. After the last couple of years where I've had big exciting parties that have ended with people getting their cars locked in trading estates and little drunken Spanish women moonwalking on buses, I've decided this year to let it go by a little more quietly - a bit like a farmer letting his fields lie fallow for a year - and am just having a quiet family do on the actual day.

But that's not to say that others are going to let it go by so quietly.

• The wonderful Watch*Paint*Dry mistakenly wished me happy birthday three days early, and is now wishing me a happy birthday every day until the actual day. It's like the lead-up to Christmas, just without the crap films on telly.

• The lascivious Inexplicable Device and the SubCs sent me two cards, one of which featured a semi-naked man in pants and a mask and a request (that will go unfulfilled, I'm afraid) that I replicate the look.

• The incredible iPandah sent me an awesome card with a built-in Space Invaders-stylee computer game that I just spent 20-odd minutes playing, to the point that my cup of tea went cold.

And then there's Best Mate Jo who was so utterly disgusted at the prospect of me not having a party (possibly because she was looking forward to her annual meet-up with Glittering Lee who she utterly fell in love with after he complemented her on her … um, lady bumps, a few years back) that she invited me over to her place with the promise of presents, fajitas (magic word!), and a chocolate brownie pudding (serves six!) that looked so awesome I almost bypassed the chicken and wrapped that in a fajita instead.

So, I rocked up at Jo's just after seven last night to find that she'd strewn birthday balloons around the living room, fajitas were a-cooking in the kitchen, and There. Were. Presents, um, present - including one that looked like a bazooka with a bow and ribbon on it. Intriguing…!

Jo actually told me that I could open them if I wanted, but seeing as I'm a good boy who doesn't open his presents early I feigned an aghast expression, and tucked into the fajitas (which were many, many times awesome), while continuing to steal glances at the bazooka-esque package.

Fajitas done, we decided to watch a movie. Earlier in the day I'd watched an episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke and Lorelai were talking about Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, and had subsequently gotten an urge to watch the film myself - an urge that Jo agreed with. Sadly, Jo doesn't own a copy, and I'd not thought far enough ahead to bring mine with me. That being the case, I raided Jo's DVD cupboard for a suitable alternative. After several minutes of pondering I whittled my choice down to four movies:

1. Alpha Dog. Based on a true story of a teenage kid killed by a gang over some money his brother owes. Stars Anton Yelchin, the dude who will be Chekov in the new Star Trek movie.
2. Enchanted. Don't judge me, this is supposed to be a great movie. I nixed it on the basis that it strikes me as particularly Christmassy film, and we should probably watch it nearer Christmas.
3. Just My Luck. Again, don't judge me. Yes I know it's got Fire crotch in it, but it also stars Chris Pine, the new Captain Kirk, and I do feel like I should be at least a little familiar with the guy's oeuvre before Star Trek opens next year.
4. The Lost Boys. Criminal, I know, but I have never seen this movie all the way through.
   

After several minutes of pondering, I decided to go for Alpha Dog because I've wanted to see this film for a while, and unlike The Lost Boys I knew it wouldn't have bad eighties haircuts, appalling fashions, or Corey Haim. And it was actually a pretty good movie. New Chekov was good, as was, surprisingly, Justin Timberlake who co-stars. There were lots of occasions of people calling other people "bitch" and "dog," and the like, and the ending was incredibly tense. Everyone had lots of tattoos in it, with our particular favourite being some guy who had 'boo' written on his arm. If you were going to have a random word tattood on your body, what would it be and where would you have it? On the downside, a scene towards the end of the film featured Sharon Stone in the most unrealistic fat suit I have ever seen, which spoilt it a little bit because it was supposed to be a very emotional scene and we both started laughing. She looked like Vicky Pollard. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, bitches, I do recommend you give it a whirl. Dog.

After that we watched some telly for a while, before I headed off just after midnight with a bag containing at least enough chocolate brownie pudding to feed two, a present, and my bazooka-shaped mystery gift. Oh, and about six balloons that Jo made me take, tied together with ribbon. So certain was she that I would ditch the balloons after she closed her front door that - I kid you not - she watched me via her security cam as I did the inflatable walk of balloon-based shame past all the other houses to my car (which reminds me - the balloons are still in the boot).

Anyway, when I got home I just couldn't take my eyes off the big tube-shaped present. What could it be? A giant crayon? Had Jo genuinely bought me a bazooka? I had to know. 

I started tearing the wrapper open.

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An aside:

My dear Nan on my Dad's side was, as we delighted in calling her, a cheeky bugger. She was a tiny, feisty little ball of energy, and she could not keep an unopened present in her house to save her life. Say we dropped her presents in a week or so before her birthday or Christmas. Sparky Ma would tell Sparky Pa on the way over that we should tell her not to open them before the special day. He would, and she would smile sweetly and put them safely in the front room. And then, as we left and the front door closed behind us, if you cupped a hand to your ear and listened very closely, you could hear the sound of wrapping paper being torn apart.

Within five minutes of us getting home the phone would ring and her sweet little voice would be on the other end, thanking us for the lovely [insert present of choice], because it was perfect, and just what she wanted.

As such, my actions here are not without genetic precedent.

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What I found within the big cardboard tube was, in fact, another big cardboard tube, and for a minute I thought it was going to be like Russian dolls and Jo had actually just bought me a pencil or something. But no! Upon closer inspection I noticed several thick pieces of rolled-up card. And:

OH.

MY.

GOD.

Quite possibly one of the best presents EVAH.

Jo had somehow managed to get me all eight of the teaser posters for the new Star Trek movie (you can see them HERE and HERE). And they're not piddly little posters either. They are MA-HOO-SIVE. 

At 01:30 this morning I was standing with my hands on my hips trying to work out how many giant clip frames I could get on the walls of Sparky Towers.

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I was rudely awoken at 08:51 this morning by the persistent ringing of my doorbell. Now, I don't really do answering the front door at stupid-o'clock in the morning, but I did briefly consider getting out of bed, getting some clothes on, going downstairs, unlocking the front door (I have many locks), and seeing who it was, but I figured they would've gone away by then, so instead I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Turns out it was the postie, and he'd left a card for me telling me I needed to go and collect something.

Let's re-re-wind Craig David-stylee. Earlier in the week I got an email which I initially dismissed as a piece of junkmail that had somehow managed to wriggle past Google's mighty spam filter. Upon closer inspection, however, I realised that it wasn't - it was, in fact, from a dude who said he'd read my blog and wanted to invite me to the launch of a secret new device next week! Whoa! After two-and-a-bit years this thing's finally started working for me - media-whorage ahoy! 

Anyway, back to today. I eventually rolled out of bed at 10:30, showered, knocked back an Actimal, and headed down to the post office where I was given a neatly-wrapped parcel. It was my invite to next week's event. Well, actually, it was the component parts of my invite to next week's event, because within the box was a rubber stamp, an ink pad, and piece of card. Very exciting, very novel, and very cryptic…

I have no idea what this device is all about, but I'm intrigued, and looking forward to finding out. 

Although if I've not posted anything by next Saturday would someone please file a missing persons report. 

KTHNXBAI!