Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Spiders, Cylons, and wonky-mouth

It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry - that's my fault. I've been busy, y'see. Enough about me though, how are you? Keeping well? You look well. How's the family? Good? Good. 

Enough with the pleasantries - I s'pose I should do something reasonably entertaining, huh?

Well, you asked for it. You've only got yourself to blame.


I was alarmed yesterday by a story on the London news (which I'm damned if I can find online) about spiders under Kew Bridge. Not any old spiders, though, but rather Johnny Foreigner spiders hitching lifts on bananas and escaping into the wilds after reaching our fair shores. Yes that's right - asylum-seeking spiders. Anyway, seems a load of the little devils have taken up residence under Kew Bridge (which I drive over every day on the way to work), and apparently they can give a rather nasty bite if you poke them or make 'your mum' jokes at them.

I don't know about everyone else, but until the courts see fit to move these buggers along or ASBO them, I'll certainly be dipping my accelerator a bit harder as I zoom over the bridge on the daily commute from now on. Or, y'know, finding another route. Because you know they're going to start trying to squeegee-ing your windscreen or something while you're waiting at the traffic lights at some point.


Anyone who's my Facebook friend might've seen yesterday that I made the amazing discovery that you can buy a full-sized Cylon online. This is amazing, and, I think you'll agree, a bit of a bargain at just over eight and a half thousand dollars. Eight and a half thousand dollars?! That's, what, about four grand in real money? Sign me up! 

Seriously, though, how cool would it be to have a real Cylon? I'm having a little fantasy in my mind about it right now*: I'm thinking of us running through a meadow together. I'm thinking of it cooking me dinner and making me a special pudding**. I'm thinking I could ride it to work like a Segway.

And if it did all those things I would totally be OK with it trying to wipe out humanity.


So, how are we all coping with the credit crunch? I hope you're also managing to keep a smile on your face while vast amounts of your savings go tits-up. Ahem. Anyway, I think I've found a way to help us through these troubled times.

And how, pray-tell, do we do that?

Here's how: Milo Venti-mocha-ccino or whatever the hell he's called. Y'know, ol' wonky mouth from increasingly-unpopular and in-no-way-getting-more-ridiculously-rubbish-with-each-episode tellybox show Heroes. 

I've got this theory, y'see, that anything can be made infinitely more amusing by the addition of … well, a wonky mouth. I started by finding a picture of Milo Double-Americano smiling (which was in itself a tad difficult; you'd think that anyone who has banged both Rory Gilmore and the cheerleader in his time wouldn't be able to stop smiling).

And from there we'll just take the mouth. And apply it to a variety of other pictures for comedy effect. Now, do keep up - there'll be an assignment at the end.

Why so serious? 

Hello Kitty!

OK, admittedly this makes it look like he's having an aneurysm or something.

I don't think I need say anything, except this picture barely needs added wonky-ness.

OK, so your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to apply a wonky-mouth to something with HI-larious results. I've put the mouth below, and it's up to you whether you want to print it out and do something with it manually, or slap it onto something digitally. Either post them on your own blog, or email 'em to me and if I get enough (or any) I'll stick 'em up here.

Bonus points for any with boobs in. Have fun my pretties.


* Nothing untoward, you pervert.
**No, really, you're just being dirty now.


CyberPete said...

YAY first bitches!

In your face IDV!

CyberPete said...

I'm not sure if I would want a Cylon but I surely am watching my pension and savings going down the drain.

Milo double caramel macciata in person smiling (and other) would help on the mood.

I'll see if I can come up with something with the wonky mouth. Do you want it on your blog or should I just upload it on mine. It's up to you.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Bah! Damn you, 'Petra!

::climbs out of Cylon suit::

* Stop thwarting me, Tim.

**No, really, your thwarting is getting to be too much..

WillowC said...

I'm never going to Kew again.

Dinah said...

I am currently at school, and I am greatly saddened that the paper I am reading, "Social Bookmarking in the Enterprise," does not actually have anything to do with Star Trek. I thought you should know.

Tara said...

You do have fun with that photo editing stuff, don't you? Keep at it, cuz it's good stuff! I like the gigantic spider and the Cylon photos. If anything could protect you against the bitey, carjacking spiders it would be your very own Cylon. And then the two of you could run through the meadow to celebrate.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - You're getting good at the firsting.

You can wonky-mouth it up wherever the hell you want. Hey - you could do it as part of the FGES!

Inexplicable Device - Ha! Like even a skinny bitch like you could get into one of the new Cylon costumes. Unless you're … eeeew … are you in a red dress like Number Six?


Willowc - No, it's dangerous there!

Dinah - I think that paper needs an amendment! Make it so!

Tara - I do. I'm very easily amused. Which is why I spent a good portion of the day thinking about what shenanigans I could get up to with a Cylon friend.

Dinah said...

I totally read your comment as "you're getting good at the fisting."

I have officially been reading these blogs for too long.

Tim said...

Oh Dinah... Poor, sweet innocent Dinah. You've been corrupted. I blame IDV.

(I typed that comment out sooooo carefully because I knew someone would pickup on it - wapwxially if I made a mistake!)

missy&chrissy. said...

i bet those spiders wouldn't be any match for you and a Cylon!

and 'wonky mouth' is a hilarious new game! we'll need to drag out ol' photoshop for this one.

watch*paint*dry said...

I think Gordon Brown looks the same! He punctuates his speeches with his own wonky mouth.

Do Cylons still say 'Your wish is my command' or am I just showing my age here?

Tim said...

Missy&Chrissy - Yeah, I reckon Cylon would get 'em running!

Glad to hear you're up for some wonky-mouth action!

Watch*Paint*Dry - Dude that is *so* old-school of you!! But then again, some old-style Cylons appeared in the TV movie Razor and they did say "by your command," so I'll let you off.

CyberPete said...

I am getting really good at firsting aren't I.

I will see what I can do about the wonky-mouth mission this weekend.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* hastily changes out of red dress *

"wapwxially" is a fantastic new word, thank you Tim. But I'm going to change the x & i around so it's "wapwixally". Much better.

watch*paint*dry said...

Old skool cool? Hey I only remember Starbuck as a boy too, and I really want a Cylon that will do the washing up and cleaning 'by my command'.

I am so not 'with it' am I? Ho hum.

CyberPete said...

Can I borrow your red dress now that you aren't using it IDV?

I like wearing it when I do the ironing.

Cyfa said...

Sure you can, 'Petra. IDV's shimmied into one of those sequinned dresses from Girls Aloud's new video, hoping Tim is more accepting of shiny than red!

CyberPete said...


I haven't seen a Girls Aloud video since, gosh! Something Kinda Ooh. They have a new video?

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Yes you are. Now get going with the wonky mouth!

Inexplicable Device - Ha! It was supposed to be 'especially' - that's what happens when you post a comment on your iPhone late at night when you're dog tired and aren't paying attention to the fact that you're pressing all the wrong buttons!

Watch*Paint*Dry - SO. Old. SKOOL. Actually, I think you'd really like the new one. REALLY.

Cyberpete - As you were.

Cyfa - Tim is more excepting of women in dresses than gangly men.

Cyberpete - I doubt you're missing much, although I've heard they're infinitely better if you turn the sound off.

CyberPete said...

I quite like Girls Aloud actually. I have their Greatest Hits and one of their regular albums.

Tim said...

I quite like Cheryl Tweedy, but not for her singing abilities, if you know what I mean…

Cyfa said...

Her punching abilities?