Monday, December 03, 2007

You smell of wee

Ugh, what a traumatic start to the day. Well, actually, it wasn't so much the start as the middle, but there are somethings that can really mess your day up. And by 'day' I actually mean 'lunchtime.'

My haven was violated.

After four days off work I wasn't exactly in that post-holiday grump that sometimes hits after time off, but nor was I in the "yay, work!" frame of mind, either. That being the case I was especially looking forward to my lunchtime coffee, which was delayed just a little by a trip to the bank, where I queued behind three blind people who were holding on to each other's shoulders like they were doing a dance routine from the sixties, M&S, and Boots the Chemist (don't worry, nothing a cream won't clear up! Ha ha, just kidding. Seriously). After that it was on to Secret Starbucks, where upon crossing the threshold and readying my trademark salute to the barista - ohmygod! - I was assaulted by the overwhelming smell of urine! Trust me, friends, Secret Starbucks does not usually smell of wee. I quickly noticed who was responsible - some filthy hobo seated in one of the plush chairs, opposite some kind of social worker blokey who was filling in reams and reams of paper work. 

Now look, don't get me wrong, I'm all for helping the homeless (usually to another town where I can't see them - LOL!), but did they have to do it in Starbucks? Couldn't they have gone to Costa instead? What was even worse was that I had to actually queue beside smelly man, which put me right off asking for a fudge brownie, let me tell you. I got my coffee and retreated to the other end of the store, beside the toilet, where I couldn't smell piss and homelessness. Every now and then, though, I did check to see if he was headed towards the toilet, but as I watched him tongue the last of the foam from his latte in a fashion that reminded me of how I'd go at Autumn Reeser given half the chance, I reminded myself that no, that was probably the last thing he needed; apparently he'd already done it on the plush seat.


Right, the delightful Willowc has tagged me with a … taggy thing. Thing is, it says I need to come up with eight random facts about me, which is the kind of thing I'm rubbish at; I think we all know I like Star Trek. That being the case, I'm going to subvert this little thing, and throw it open to you, my adoring reader. Um, readers. Nothing too perverted or personal, mind, although you do have the option of requesting a text or video-based response. Bear in mind, though, that any video-based responses need to be short and snappy, people, short and snappy! It takes an age to upload videos, so if anyone comes along expecting something like War and Peace you're more likely to find that I'll hunt you down and bitch-slap you.

You have till, what, Thursday? Yeah, Thursday.

And don't even think about asking me to flash my arse.


WillowC said...

Anthony used to fart under his desk without realising that your fan was positioned to blow it directly into your face.

There, that's as good a start as any!

Tara said...

Wow...urine and coffee..Those two scents, I reckon, do not go together well. The ironic thing is, you had to sit by the bathroom to get away from a smell that should only be in a bathroom, but instead it's marinating in a chair. Lovely.

missy&chrissy said...

despite the urine smell, he had to be a classy hobo to have afforded that latte??

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I feel sick.

Tonguing latte foam reminds you of how you'd "go at Autumn Reeser".

A dagger through my heart!

I'll come back with a 'random fact suggestion' after I'm over the horror.

Dinah said...

Heh. I love that you had to retreat to the seats beside the toilets to get away from the urine.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

OK. I'm back. Briefly, as I still feel somewhat violated.

What is your favourite Star Trek (any series) episode, and why? A text response will be adequate for this.

And, what kind of pants are you wearing? Video response necessary!

Tara said...

Yeah, and didn't you redo your bathroom awhile back? Do a video scan of your sparkly bathroom.

Tim said...

Willowc - Yes, I discovered that, though not via my nose, thankfully. Someone mentioned it in passing years after the event. Lucky no one lit a match - BOOMPH!

Tara - I know, weird, huh? I shan't be sitting in that chair again!

Missy&Chrissy - Unfortunately not; his social worker friend got it for him. In fact, via taxes, I probably bought it for him. Humph!

Inexplicable Device - You feel sick because of lovely Autumn? I'm sorry for shooting down your dream. Who knows, somewhere, some other time … I still wouldn't reciprocate your lusty affections.

If it helps to get over me, just imagine me banging her. IMAGINE IT!

Dinah - Truth be told, by the toilet is my regular seat. There's a little nook where I can sit and people watch! And it doesn't smell of wee!

IDV - Good one! Now you can return to breathing deeply into a paper bag.

Tara -Ooo… It's not very exciting, but OK!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* haaaacckk aaackk *

I inhaled the bag imagining it.

* ooooooooooooogggg *

Actually, for the pantage request, you have to show us your lucky pants. And again, by show, I mean wear, for us to see.

* resists imagining Tim banging Autumn " stupid name" Reeser *

Tim said...

Ha ha ha , that's about as likely as- WHOA! Flying pigs incoming!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* twang *

* thwack *

* thud *

There. That's downed those pesky porkers.

Tim said...

You missed one - he had his cloaking device on and is now engaged in evasive maneuvres!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I just wish we could cloak the stench.

The blighter!

Tim said...

I refer you back to the first comment in this post.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I have another Random Fact suggestion: I'd like to know about anything unusual/comedic that has happened, in a food-based way, at a birthday party you've attended (either your own, or someone elses).

Willis said...

Do the questions have to be about you?

Is that classed as one of the questions?

How many do we need to ask?

Do I get the blame for tagging WillowC in the first place?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?

WTF have Morrisons ever done to you? Why do you diss their crusty rolls?

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Interesting… But I can't immediately think of anything that meets that criteria. I shall continue thinking!

Willis - Well, seeing as you started this tagging thing in the first place I thought you'd know how this works. It should be me asking you that question, really! In answer to you questions:

No, yes, definitely yes (maybe even scrubbed with a brillo pad), and nothing particularly - I simply made a comment based on a stereotype of their average customer.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

OK, I'll graciously allow you to split my request into two.

1. Relate an hilarious/disgusting food based incident.

2. Recount an amusing/horrific party incident.