Friday, November 30, 2007

To the shops!

The following statement will either enrage you, or amaze you:

I have finished my Christmas shopping!

I almost emboldened that, but I don't want to rub it in too much.

Yes, it's not even December, and I've whupped Christmas into a, um, Christmas-shaped hat, wrapped it up, tied a pretty little bow on top, put my hands on my hips, and proudly declared "That's THAT!" I'm so organised that I'm thinking about bringing the whole thing forward a bit - how does mid-December sound? We could do Easter in February.

Anyway, Christmas is done and dusted thanks to another of my notorious shopping expeditions with Sparky Ma. We used to do one a year; apparently we've done eight this year. Something to do with one of my spare days off work though, hmmm? 

So we set course for Kingston once again, and once again I was quickly reminded how dangerous Sparky Ma can be when shopping. I was perving over iPhones in the Apple store AGAIN, y'see, and she did that thing she does where she innocently asks if I'm going to buy one. I say "eventually, but no, not today," and she picks one up and says "Ooo, aren't they nice. Won't it be lovely when you've got one?" I then look at the iPhone again, nervously glance at the price, and then she says something along the lines of "It's really nice…" and then I have to slam said iPhone back into its dock and scurry away as quickly as possible before her convincing skills break down my willpower like photon torpedoes through failing deflector shields.

Thank god the person on the door didn't ask if I "needed any help." I'd probably have shouted "NO!" and laid them out.


Potential  impromptu iPhone purchase successfully avoided we subsequently whirled around the shops like two tornados through a Kansas cornfield, eventually ending up in Marks and Spencers and the department that deals with:

Is it slightly disturbing that I actually like the sound of my voice when I talk like a pervert? Anyway, yes, we ended up, don't ask me why, in the M&S bra department (Simon, if you're reading this - don't worry, it wasn't for you).

F**k me, I'm glad I'm a boy. There's such a bewildering array of lady-bits to choose from. As a boy, the biggest decision I have to make is whether I go for the Superman ones or the glow in the dark* ones. I mean, in bra-land there's pretty ones, perky ones, saucy ones, big ones, massively padded ones that look like they could deflect bullets, and WTF is a racer back?! All I need to know is will the strap at the back withstand a quick flick of my stanley knife? (whupp-ah, smooth!)

Eventually, though, even Sparky Ma got pissed off with the choice. Sometimes too much is too much. And that's saying something when you're a hardened shopper like Sparky Ma.


Anyway, after a solid six hours of shopping - during which time I also successfully managed not to buy a cool shirt because I'm being good with money - all my shopping was done and dusted, and we piled into my car and sped off for home. I'm not afraid to say that I'm officially smug at the moment; heck, even the woman who served me in Borders when I bought wrapping paper was amazed that I'd finished - especially so because I'm a guy (I didn't even have to show her any ID to prove it. Or my penis). She said I should totally get an award; I'm thinking something in the Queen's New Year Honours List. Nothing fancy, just a CBE or something.


Another reason to be pleased with myself? This, my friends, is my 500th post.

*Seriously - glow in the dark pants? Won't they be ever so slightly radioactive?


Dinah said...

So much to be happy with today: finished shopping! 500 posts! no bra necessary!

Congratulations on everything.

Tim said...

I know! Everything's groovy!! Thank Dinah!!!

Tara said...

I am both enraged and amazed that you have your shopping done. But not enraged to the point of anger. It's just jealousy. :D

My mom is dangerous with my money. She does that thing where she says "Oh this would look nice on you! You should get this!" or "You really should be a new purse". She's not offering to buy the stuff for me, but she's implying I should spend my own money. Good times. Usually I can resist the temptation, though.

Seriously, excellent work with the early completion of Christmas shopping!

Tim said...

Tara, my mum totally does the same thing - and she has this look that, if looks could talk, would literally be shouting "BUY IT BUY IT BUY IT!!!"

I am feeling a little smug about having done all my Christmas shopping, but I'll probably find out on Christmas day that I've forgotten something!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Right then. You can can finish off my Christmas Shopping now, Smuggins!

* throws money - although, not a lot - at Tim and waits expectantly, tapping foot *

And that video clip is creepy and sinister. Apart from the still at the end where you look mildly curious and angelic.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Bugger. I forgot to say congrats on reaching 500, and Model The Glow In The Dark Pants For Us!

Dinah said...

I know, IDV, there was so much in this post to comment on!

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - I'd make an awesome personal shopper, seriously. Actually, I'd really like to do that. It's on the list of things I'd like to do, along with be on Strictly Come Dancing.

And ta for the congrats! As for the glow in the dark pants, well, if I ever bought them and decided to model them they would be on firmly over trou, a la Superman.

Dinah - And there's more shite to come!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I've just watchied Stircictly and it was fab. But nomore than fab was Gethins biceps!! You'll have to puull aouut all the stops now!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Yess! Anotyhe rWV vanquished!!!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oh. I was here, too. Sorry. I hope the alcohol fumes have gone now?

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - WTF?! That doesn't even make sense! Ding dong the witch is drunk…

Inexplicable Device - Still drunk?

Inexplicable Device - Aaah, that's more like it. I won't be lighting any matches near you, though.

WillowC said...

Happy 500, m'dear.

Re: mothers and their scary shopping habits - I have found the following sentence helpful: "It is lovely Mum, I agree, lovely of you to want to get it for me, how can I say no?" They soon stop in the interests of preserving their own credit rating.

Also, apologies Tim, but I've tagged you. You'll have to read my blog to find out what with.

Tim said...

Well, ta! My Mum's not scary when shopping, she just goads, and usually I fall for it.


You tagged me!? Crumbs! I won't have a chance to get round to it today, but, as the littlest hobo theme tune said, maybe tomorrow…

missy&chrissy said...

happy (belated) 500th post day!

since you're done with your christmas shopping, and we've yet to start ours, what do you think of being our personal shopper for the next 3 weeks?

Dinah said...

I LOVE the littlest hobo.

Tim said...

Missy&Chrissy - Sounds good to me! When do we start?

Dinah - Me too!!!

missy&chrissy said...

we'll email our xmas list over post-haste! our grandmother hasn't yet told us what she wanted, so we'll let you pick out something lovely for her.

Tim said...

Cool! Um, would grandma like a 'I *heart* London' t-shirt?