I refuse to wear a potato sack

I got home last night after seeing Superbad at the cinema (amusing in places, but too long) to find a card from the postman. Not a greetings card, mind - a card to tell me that he'd tried to deliver something but I was out and it wouldn't fit through my letterbox. Well, duuuuh, I was at work.

So this morning I've just been for a walk down to the local sorting office to pick up said package. It's my entry pack for the London Freewheel event next weekend, which is good news because as I just said it's next weekend and I'd signed up ages ago. Anyway, I got home, and ripped the package open - what delights could possibly await within!?

These are the delights contained within:

• A letter from London mayor Ken Livingston (Ugh! UGH!! VOM!)
• A map of the route (slightly disappointingly it's pretty much a straight line from Buckingham Palace to London Bridge, but hey, it's a day out)
• Some London Freewheel Top Trumps card (won't I crash if I'm trying to eye up other people's bikes?)
• A list of bread varieties made by chief sponsor Hovis.
• An incredibly girly bicycle bell.
• And, most disturbingly off all, a bright red bib made out of what appears to be coarse 18th century potato-sacking.

Look, I know this was all free, but if they think I'm going to wear a horrific bib like that they've got another thing coming. I'd pop it on and take a picture to show you what it's like, but I think I'd be sick if it got too close to me. I mean, seriously, I didn't spend good money on the finest sweat-wicking cycling gear I could get just to ditch it all for something chain-gang prisoners would refuse to wear. Geez! And do you know what's even worse? It's got a huge anti-car message printed on the back.

I think I might use it to wash the wheels on my Mini.

-----

For some reason over the last couple of days I've been thinking that William Shatner should make another album. And that's got me thinking about what songs I think he should perform in his unique … spoken word … STYLE. I think 10 tracks is a good number for an album, so what d'ya think about these:

1. Black Hole Sun - Shatner does Soundgarden. "Black … hole sun … won'tyoucome? And … wash away … the RAIN!"

2. Girlfriend - For some inexplicable reason, and despite the fact I absolutely abhor Avril Latrine, I've become mildly obsessed by this song recently, and I can just hear Shatty reciting it in a wry, slightly cheeky fashion.

3. Copacabana - Time to up the tempo with a jaunty Barry Manilow cover. "Her NAME … was LOLA. She was … an … Orion slave girl" On second thoughts, that might sound somewhat sinister.

4. Rollin' - Yes, that's Rollin' by Limp Bizkit. I'm just picturing Shatner doing the exaggerated steering wheel-style dance moves.

5. Stronger - Despite not liking Kanye West that much, this is a pretty awesome tune, and I think Shatner could do it justice. Especially if he were to perform it in character as Denny Crane. "Let's get lost tonight … You can be my black Kate Moss tonight … Play secretary, I'm the boss tonight … Denny Crane."

6. My Hero - I seriously think Shatner could pull off a Foo Fighters song. SERIOUSLY. Hell, this one's almost spoken word anyway.

7. Children of the Revolution - "Oh … you … WON'T fool … the children of the … Revolution. Oh no." Oh no indeed.

8. Gett Off - I think you all know how much I like this Prince song, and it would possibly be the bestest thing EVAH to hear the mighty Shat recite the "No little cutie, I ain't drinking, scope this, I was just thinking…" bit.

9. Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' - It was a toss-up between this and Stevie Wonder's 'He's Misstra Know It All,' but the thought of Shatty doing this in a club lounge-stylee is just too good to ignore.

So there we have it, my propos- wait. That's only nine songs. Hmmm…! We need another one people! WE … NEED … ANOTHER ONE! Any suggestions? He's my Myspace friend - we could actually pitch this! Thinking caps on!