Saturday, September 15, 2007

I refuse to wear a potato sack

I got home last night after seeing Superbad at the cinema (amusing in places, but too long) to find a card from the postman. Not a greetings card, mind - a card to tell me that he'd tried to deliver something but I was out and it wouldn't fit through my letterbox. Well, duuuuh, I was at work.

So this morning I've just been for a walk down to the local sorting office to pick up said package. It's my entry pack for the London Freewheel event next weekend, which is good news because as I just said it's next weekend and I'd signed up ages ago. Anyway, I got home, and ripped the package open - what delights could possibly await within!?

These are the delights contained within:

• A letter from London mayor Ken Livingston (Ugh! UGH!! VOM!)
• A map of the route (slightly disappointingly it's pretty much a straight line from Buckingham Palace to London Bridge, but hey, it's a day out)
• Some London Freewheel Top Trumps card (won't I crash if I'm trying to eye up other people's bikes?)
• A list of bread varieties made by chief sponsor Hovis.
• An incredibly girly bicycle bell.
• And, most disturbingly off all, a bright red bib made out of what appears to be coarse 18th century potato-sacking.

Look, I know this was all free, but if they think I'm going to wear a horrific bib like that they've got another thing coming. I'd pop it on and take a picture to show you what it's like, but I think I'd be sick if it got too close to me. I mean, seriously, I didn't spend good money on the finest sweat-wicking cycling gear I could get just to ditch it all for something chain-gang prisoners would refuse to wear. Geez! And do you know what's even worse? It's got a huge anti-car message printed on the back.

I think I might use it to wash the wheels on my Mini.


For some reason over the last couple of days I've been thinking that William Shatner should make another album. And that's got me thinking about what songs I think he should perform in his unique … spoken word … STYLE. I think 10 tracks is a good number for an album, so what d'ya think about these:

1. Black Hole Sun - Shatner does Soundgarden. "Black … hole sun … won'tyoucome? And … wash away … the RAIN!"

2. Girlfriend - For some inexplicable reason, and despite the fact I absolutely abhor Avril Latrine, I've become mildly obsessed by this song recently, and I can just hear Shatty reciting it in a wry, slightly cheeky fashion.

3. Copacabana - Time to up the tempo with a jaunty Barry Manilow cover. "Her NAME … was LOLA. She was … an … Orion slave girl" On second thoughts, that might sound somewhat sinister.

4. Rollin' - Yes, that's Rollin' by Limp Bizkit. I'm just picturing Shatner doing the exaggerated steering wheel-style dance moves.

5. Stronger - Despite not liking Kanye West that much, this is a pretty awesome tune, and I think Shatner could do it justice. Especially if he were to perform it in character as Denny Crane. "Let's get lost tonight … You can be my black Kate Moss tonight … Play secretary, I'm the boss tonight … Denny Crane."

6. My Hero - I seriously think Shatner could pull off a Foo Fighters song. SERIOUSLY. Hell, this one's almost spoken word anyway.

7. Children of the Revolution - "Oh … you … WON'T fool … the children of the … Revolution. Oh no." Oh no indeed.

8. Gett Off - I think you all know how much I like this Prince song, and it would possibly be the bestest thing EVAH to hear the mighty Shat recite the "No little cutie, I ain't drinking, scope this, I was just thinking…" bit.

9. Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' - It was a toss-up between this and Stevie Wonder's 'He's Misstra Know It All,' but the thought of Shatty doing this in a club lounge-stylee is just too good to ignore.

So there we have it, my propos- wait. That's only nine songs. Hmmm…! We need another one people! WE … NEED … ANOTHER ONE! Any suggestions? He's my Myspace friend - we could actually pitch this! Thinking caps on!


Dinah said...

I can't stand Avril and I was dismayed by how long "Girlfriend" stayed in my head. Damn her and her catchy tunes!

Tim said...

Dinah - I know! She's an annoying little bitch who should be launched into space. And yet, recently I've found myself dancing to 'Girlfriend' like Stewie at one of his sexy parties in Family Guy. Damn her!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

The tenth song should either be Stay, by Shakespeare's Sister or, The Moon's A Window To Heaven (or whatever it was called) by Uhura in Star Trek V!

Are we going to get another pic of you in your cycling gear?

* crosses fingers *

Dinah said...

I'm actually really surprised he hasn't done "Black Hole Sun" yet. I can totally hear him doing that.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

"We... DON'T need... another... hero. We don't... NEED... to know the... way home."

I've changed my mind. The Shat should do Thunderdome - Dressed in that ridiculous chainmail bikini thing and with Tina Turners wig on!

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Ooo, I like the idea of Uhura's song! I think I've got that on CD actually…

And what do you mean 'another pic of me in my cycling gear?' When have you seen a pic of me in my cycling gear?!

Dinah - I know, it just came to me the other day while listening to my iPod that he could do a stunning version of that!

Inexplicable Device - Shatner beyond Thunderdome could be the name of the album! Maybe not the chainmail bikini though. He does have some dignity…

WillowC said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA and you can accompany him on your girl bell HAHAHAHAHA

(I've been laid up with labyrinthitis for a whole week, explaining why the idea of you tinging your bell in front of the Queen's house is truly hilarious rather than very very wrong).

Tim said...

Humph! I'm not using that wussy little bell! I've got a far more stylish and manly one on my bike already!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Where have I seen a lycra-clad you before? Why here.

Tim said...

Good grief! I demand you stop perusing my back catalogue for such nefarious reaons! And that's hardly lycra-clad - both the vest and OUTER shorts are baggy!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Bah! You spoil all my fun.

Tim said...

Yes. But look - the inner shorts are lycra. I'm such a tease! Muwahahaha! And as Chekov said in Star Trek V: "Vee can't see a ting!"

Tara said...

When I saw "Copacabana" on the list, I could hear him. That song needs to be performed by him. I'd love to hear him "sing" a Prince song, too.

I would love a bike route that would take me from Buckingham Palace to London Bridge! That might be because I've never been to the UK, so I'm more excited about site seeing than bike riding. :D

Tim said...

It works, doesn't it!? We need to get Shatner to record it ASAP!

I'm kinda looking forward to seeing the sights, because there's going to be no traffic on the roads, so bonus in that respect. But it's a shame the route isn't circular, because as it is you cycle down it, then you cycle back up it. I think they've missed a bit of a trick, but we'll see, I guess…