Monday, September 10, 2007

Under attack

What the hell have people got against my pretty pretty face at the moment? First I'm bitch-slapped by a kitty, then tonight my own brother's aiming for my goddamn money-maker. There we were, play fighting as two grown men in the twenties and thirties are prone to do, when he damn well scratches me on the forehead! He was flailing his arms around and he just snagged me. Holy crap, he fights like a four-year old girl! And the thing is, Simon's a nail-biter, so he's got really scraggily nails. I've probably got a foreheard infection now, y'know, in the same way as people get horrific infections after they're bitten by komodo dragons and stuff in exotic locations such as far off jungles and Whipsnade Zoo. If my head swells up to cartoon-style proportions I'm not going to be happy.

After a tactical retreat home (OK, I did crush his fingers and push him on the sofa first), I decided to go for a run. But what's this!? The council are resurfacing a road I run down, and at the moment it's just loose gravel. Of course, the council have put up big signs saying 'TEMPORARY ROAD SURFACE - 20 MPH!' but who the hell pays any attention to those?! No one, expecially not that friggin' Land Rover that shot past me on what looked like an attempt at the goddamn land speed record. Naturally I shielded my face, but I'm surprised the shower of gravel it kicked up didn't leave me covered in little red welts and looking like I'd just got back from a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

I might have to start wearing a face mask like the dude from 'V for Vendetta.' And no, I don't mean Natalie Portman.

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I've got a new toy courtesy of Sparky Pa. It's small, it makes a mechanical noise, and it cuts things up good. It's a shredder - yay! For some reason, though, I keep wanting to say stripper, which would be an altogether different, somewhat unexpected, yet not altogether undesirable gift from my Dad.

Last night I finally got round to unpacking it and taking the time to read through the instructions. Lord knows why I bothered though, it's pretty straightforward: put stuff in top, shredded stuff comes out bottom. It's rather like the human body but with less poopy. Anyway, it's big spider season here at the mo', and I've already had about four in Sparky Towers; three have been whacked mafia-stylee with a shoe (one exploded - I was finding legs for days), while the other one got a light dusting with fly spray and crawled off to (hopefully) die somewhere. Being the machiavellian type that I am occasionally, I'm beginning to think that I might use my strippe- shredder to as some kind of nefarious supervillain-type death machine - a bit like the dastardly death traps fashioned by the Hooded Claw in Penelope Pitstop cartoons. I can just picture myself lowering a chunky spider into the snapping jaws of a strip-cut home office shredder while cackling maniacally. The only thing stopping me is the fact that it might end up spraying spider-juice all up my nice white wall. That's something the Hooded Claw never had to deal with - mostly because the air-headed bimbo always got away from him. Seriously, they should do an R-rated version of that show - he'd probably just pop a cap in her face or something. Job done - lol!

20 comments:

Tara said...

Oh now see...now that it's spider season, you'll definitely need a cat or two...or three. Some cats see spiders as a tasty snack. I say only some because my cat only plays with them or just watches them. My other cat shredded them and then ate them.

Tim said...

I think I'll stick with the shoe for the spiders - I don't want to run the risk of a cat just wanting to play with it, then getting bored and just wandering away.

Come back here and eat that thing this instant!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

So, you're no longer Justin, but Scarface? Perhaps it'll turn into a sexy sexy scar to give you added rawr-ness, rather than tetanus... Is that how it's spelt? Tet Anus? Seems bizarre...

Shredding Spiders? No! Unless they're those descustable ones with pea-like bodies and super long, stick thin legs. Eeeeuurgh!
Ooh, ooh, try shredding a slug!

Tim said...

I'm not Justin. I don't think I ever was, was I? I'm not sure I want a scar on my face, for the same reason I could probably never have a tattoo - it's all sexy and edgy at first, but then you get bored of it, and it just looks ridiculous by the time you're 75.

Maybe I should see what bizarre things I can shred? Although I definitely won't try the old comedy staple of leaning over it while wearing a tie. That's just asking for trouble.

Dora & Tina said...

Oooo...get one of those 'V' masks! they are cool, but also freaky and people would not dare flick gravel up onto you if you had that face. It might also cover your scar that is now on your forehead.

Two birds with one stone, eh???

WillowC said...

Clearly your conker idea is just bollocks, isn't it?

I am VERY displeased with this entry, I was eating spaghetti as I read it. I will never eat spaghetti again.

Tim said...

Dora - I dunno… I'd feel a bit weird wearing a mask all the time. I'd have to drink through a straw.

Willowc - I actually haven't used the conker method. but apparently it does work. Don't diss it, give it a whirl - you've got nothing to loose!

Are you wearing your spaghetti?

WillowC said...

I will try the conker method if you promise never ever to blog about spider bits again! My nerves can't take it :(

I've escaped all but one of the big bastards this year, perhaps it was karma after all the advice I've been dishing out.

For the record, I am not wearing any spaghetti.

Tim said...

I had a fookin' massive one tonight. I was going to take a pic of it, but I backed up against the opposite wall and still couldn't fit it in my viewfinder. Whacked it with my harpoon gun. We shall dine well on it tonight!

T-Bird said...

Is it wrong that I find V really attractive?

I vote for the cutting off the spider's head and leaving in the other spiders' lair approach.

Tim said...

Whatever does it for you, T-Bird. I for one find Sigorney Weaver very sexy in Alien 3. Yes, the one where she's shaved.

I don't know where the spider's lair is. Bah - another plan foiled!

skillz said...

With the attack of nails and gravel, I can imagine you loking rather Jude-Law-post-scarring-from-Road-to-Perdition.

Tim said...

Only wearing slightly less shabby clothes. Yes, that's a pretty spot-on assessment.

T-Bird said...

You know, I couldn't tell that was Jude Law until the credits... as for V, I think it is his voice, and that Hugo Weaving is that sort of tall and narrow kind of dude.

I can totally understand what you are saying about Weaver too. She does pull off hairless in an awesome manner!

Dinah said...

Shredders are fun...I had to use one in my last job and I liked seeing all the confetti-like stuff that came out. Bitch to clean up, though, when it gets into the carpet...

Tim said...

T-Bird - I was just about to say 'but Jude Law isn't in V for Vendetta!' But then stopped spackering around and caught up.

Dinah - They are, and it is; Already I've had bits of paper shooting out all over the floor!

Dinah said...

hee - I was confused by the Jude Law thing too! And thought I'd have to rewatch "V"...but then I caught up.

Tim said...

It would've been awesome if you'd rewatched it then posted "well I didn't see Jude Law in it!"

missy&chrissy said...

if you wear a mask AND go by justin now, i don't think we'll even be able to find our way to your site anymore.

our family members are obsessed with shredders - what they shred we don't know, but its our standard gift to our uncles for xmas. hopefully you enjoy yours!

Tim said...

I'll skip the mask - it would be a little bit too 'Halloween,' huh?

Shredders are *such* good fun. I'm constantly looking for stuff to put through it. I'll probably break it with my constant experimenting!